guy humor vs. girl humor

this was originally posted at Bryan Allain’s place.  enjoy or don’t.  whatevs.

there are certain types of humor which do not translate across gender lines at all.  things guys think are funny make girls’ eyes roll so hard, they can see their frontal lobe.  and things girls find funny can clear a room of testosterone in about 6.4 seconds.

stuff guys find funny that girls don’t:

1.  falling in the toilet when the seat gets left up – if they’re smart, guys learn to control their laughter at this by the time they’re married.  they might be saying, “sorry hun, i’ll remember next time”, but on the inside they are laughing like punks and thinking, “when will she learn to look before she sits?!?”

2.  getting kicked in the junk – hit, kicked, unexpectedly straddling a teeter totter…it’s hilarious every time it happens to anyone but you.  cringe and laugh.  cringe and laugh.  it never gets old.  girls just think you’re all 12 year olds.

3.  crashing – guys can watch YouTube videos of other guys seriously biting it all. day. long.  if they get to see it in person, total bonus.  they’ll be holding their sides all the way to the hospital.  girls know that somewhere there’s a mom/girlfriend/wife that’s going to have to put up with the whining for days.

4.  Dumb and Dumber – guys love this movie.  it’s stupid.  my husband made me watch it in the theater on Christmas day the year it came out.  that’s all i have to say about that.

5.  the word “moist” – if it can be obscurely or awkwardly worked into a sentence, guys are going to try to use it.  they love it.  if girls had a magic wand to remove one word from Websters, it would be “moist”.  it’s a terrible word.

stuff girls find funny that guys don’t:

1.  Reese Witherspoon – girls think she’s a riot.  they watch Legally Blond every time it’s on TV.  given the opportunity to date Reese, guys would get all up ons, but they would rather be the one kicked in the junk than have to watch one of her movies.

2.  cramps – girls can joke about the crippling pain brought on by Aunt Flo for hours.  they do this to stay sane.  it’s like the black humor morticians and EMTs develop to cope with dead people.  guys have already skipped to number 3 or left this blog entirely.  the whole concept terrifies them.

3.  fish face pictures – stick a camera on pack of girls and they are all going to pucker their faces like guppies.  then they will squeal and giggle and think the world is full of unicorns that poop rainbows and kittens.  guys make a face too when they see this, but it clearly says, “why do they do that?”

4.  funny men – oh man, girls do love a guy with a sense of humor.  they will laugh and toss their hair and be completely enamored with the wit and charm of the funny man.  guys just get annoyed and think, “they’re buying that?  really?”

5.  Dr. appointments – nothing funnier than pelvic exams and mammograms.  at least not to females.  the jokes are legion.  men won’t even admit to having a prostate exam.  their jokes end with “turn your head and cough”.

these things aren’t going to change, people.  there will be no humor revolution. Dumb and Dumber won’t suddenly not be stupid.  the idea of cramps won’t spontaneously not make guys cry and rock themselves in a corner.  girls and guys and different.  and that’s kinda the point.  how dull would it be if everyone thought fish faces were hysterical?  there would be no one to make fun of the guppies girls who make them.  BO-RING.

your turn.  what did i miss?  what am i wrong about?

Tags: advice, blog, dating, humor, marriage, relationships, satire, women

how Dinty Moore almost ended a marriage

the definition of “beef stew” nearly wrecked a marriage.

if i’m lyin’, i’m dyin’…my hair.

put on your comfy pants, grab a cup of Antigua Dark Roast and settle in.  i’m about to tell a story.

two friends of mine got married.  awesome!  yay love!  they were newly back from their honeymoon and she wanted to cook him a nice dinner.  yes, he was a lucky, lucky man and she…we all felt a little sorry for, but were grateful for her ability to overlook his numerous and glaring flaws.

he got home from work and she said, “what would you like for dinner?”  he said, “beef stew”, and she immediately burst into tears.

now, she wasn’t an overly emotional psycho that had some sort of horrific history with beef stew, so stop judging, Judgy McJudgerton.

she was a farm girl who grew up making everything from scratch and had just been asked to start an 8 hour process to make dinner.

at least that’s what she thought.

he grew up in a house that was a shrine to tin and cardboard.  if it didn’t come out of a box or a can, he didn’t eat it.  so imagine his surprise when she starts sobbing over hours of work and all he wanted was to find the can opener.

to him, beef stew took 5 minutes on medium-high heat, but to her it was an all day process that began right after you slaughtered the cow.

it took them nearly an hour to sort it out because neither one had a clue that doing it any other way even existed.  they didn’t even know how to open the conversation.

pile on the fact that she was desperate to please as a new wife and he just wanted to eat, and it was a big ol’ stewy mess.

they eventually did sort it out and have lived happily ever after in a world that has a perfect balance of home cooked meals and Kraft Mac N’ Cheese, Family Size.

the end.

miscommunication can take many forms.  the reality was, they weren’t defining beef stew, they were defining themselves.  savory, meaty goodness was just the catalyst to begin working on figuring each other out and learning to compromise.  something everyone has to do when choosing to make someone else a permanent fixture in their lives.

has a definition ever caused problems for you?

are you a stew-from-scratch or stew-from-a-can kind of person?

now i’m hungry.  what’s for lunch?

Tags: advice, beef stew, blog, dating, Dinty Moore beef stew, funny, humor, marriage, men, relationships, satire, women

dear sharideth – i think i was dating an abuser

Dear Sharideth,

I just came out of an abusive relationship.  I didn’t really think of it as actually abusive until I read this article and identified my situation in all of it.

Psychology Today: Are You Dating An Abuser?

I did know it wasn’t healthy.  We have been together off and on for three years and I love him, but when things were bad, things were really bad.  The final straw was that he cheated on me and is now trying to make me feel guilty for his actions.  Like it’s somehow my fault or just the result of my flaws in the relationship.

We are still in communication.  He texts me constantly and I’m conflicted because I still care about him.  There’s things I feel I need him to know, but he either can’t understand or is refusing not to and I don’t think I can let it go until I get that closure from him.

Any help you can give me would be appreciated.

Sincerely,

Hurting and Abused?

dear HAB,

the article you sent me is a good one.  the information is accurate and well organized.  it is also written by professionals, which i am not; a point i really need to make clear to you and that i need you to understand before you read any further, because i’m going to first and foremost recommend you see a counselor.  i will privately help you find one in your area, but i believe there are probably things you need to talk to someone about that are beyond me.

what i can help with is the break up and how to handle yourself now that the relationship is over.  i’ve already written a couple of different break up blogs*, but i think i need to revamp some of what i’ve said to better suit the seriousness of your situation.  here’s are some practical steps you can take to protect yourself until you can get sorted out.

1.  come to terms with it being over – if the relationship truly fell in the category of abusive, you need to let it go.  stop the back and forth.  you will be unable to move on in any other way until you accept this and define that boundary for yourself.  he has no say in whether it’s done.  that is solely up to you.  it only takes one person to cut it off and that’s going to have to be you.

2.  block him from communication – he knows what buttons to push to get at you and he’s using all of them.  the easiest way for that to stop is to cut off his access to you.  block him from your phone.  delete him from Facebook and set your privacy to kill.  i understand that your feelings that still linger for him are telling you not to do this, but feelings lie to us all the time about what’s good for us.

3.  do not seek out information about him – no more asking his friends where he is or stalking his Facebook page.  the urge to do so can be overwhelming, but you’re going to have to fight it.  he will find out you’re still checking on him and find a way to use that against you.

4.  find your own closure – he won’t give that to you.  even if he would, he can’t.  that has to come from you.  you make your own stops and starts.  no one else should ever be given that kind of power over you.  it takes your choices away from you.  you are the only one telling yourself you “can’t” move on until you somehow get him to give you whatever it is you think you need.  your “can’t” is really a “won’t” and you need to take responsibility for your own future.  it’s empowering and freeing.

5.  find a support group – surround yourself with people you trust to look out for what’s best for you even if you don’t like what they say.  maybe especially if you don’t like what they say.  friends who will say “no” for you when you feel too weak to do it yourself.  you already know who they are, so let them lend their strength.

above all else, look for the hope of a new day.  keep your eyes focused on what’s before you instead of what is behind and fight your way to freedom.  a half step is still progress, so don’t feel discouraged when things move slow.  any move forward is a win.

has anybody been through this and come out the other side?  still heading to the other side?  i’d like to hear your story.

any other encouragement or advice for our friend?

i would encourage anyone who thinks you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship to read the Psychology Today article with as much objectivity as you can muster.  if you see yourself in even part of it, talk to someone you trust who is wise and objective.

*other break up stuff:

how to survive a break up

how to get over her

there’s nothing worse than a bad break up

Tags: abusive relationships, advice, are you dating an abuser?, blog, dating, emotional abuse, funny, humor, marriage, men, relationships, satire, women

Killer Tribes – you’re mine

if you haven’t looked to the right of this blog and seen my sticker that says My Killer Tribe, shame on you.  have a gander and go ahead and hit that subscribe button, too, that is placed plainly for your convenience.  what?  i can’t shamelessly promote my own blog?  pffft.

anyhoo, Killer Tribes is a community formed by Bryan Allain, author of 31 Days to Finding Your Blogging Mojo and long time stalker of the Amish.  it’s like a support group for blog addicts and people who are trying to improve their networking skills.  lord knows those of us who sit behind a computer screen all day need that.

on March 31st, the Killer Tribes Conference is coming to Nashville.

and i will be there.  bought a ticket and everything. 

but sharideth!  why are you going?  why should i go?!??!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!

i am as glad you asked as i am impressed by your enthusiastic use of punctuation.

but sharideth, i didn’t actually…..

shhhhh.  i know.

are you a writer?  a blogger?  a small business owner?  a blog reader who wants to put faces to the people you stalk on the internet?

then the Killer Tribes Conference is for you!  going to go ahead and cross “sound like a game show announcer” off my bucket list.

if you are none of those things, but just want to see what will happen when the following people are in the same room together, then it’s worth the ticket.

Bryan Allain - KT founder, blogger, author, engineer, soon-to-be day job quitter

Tamara Lundardo - KT conference speaker, promoter of stripper poles

Tyler Tarver - blogger, video maker, math teacherer

Knox McCoy - blogger, author of Jesus and the Bachelorette and A Manifesto About Manifestos: A Manifesto

Tyler Stanton - KT conference host, author of Every Day Obsurdities, world’s most trivial man

Tripp Crosby - KT conference host, viral video star, professional nerd

Jessica Buttram – blogger, possessor of the best Twitter name ever, @JButtWhatWhat

Jamie Golden - blogger, savior of orphans, cake pop maker

Carlos Whittaker - KT conference speaker, musician, tattoo officianado, pot stirrer

me, of course.

and many more!

so watch the video.  click the link.  buy a ticket.  and let me show you around my town.

who’s going?

who wants to go?

is networking important to what you do for a living?

Tags: advice, blog, dating, funny, humor, Killer Tribes Conference, marriage, men, relationships, satire, women

flirting don’ts

sometimes, when you put a bunch of single people in the same room together, let’s say a bar, blogs happen.

like right now.

sweet baby ducks, it was horrifying.

now maybe because i’m old and married it’s easy for me to be an observer of the carnage that happens when people try to flirt with each other, but short of stabbing me in the retina with a glow stick, i’m not sure it could be more obvious.

here’s just some of things i saw this weekend.  and in case it’s not clear, these are things i don’t recommend.  and by don’t recommend, i mean you will end up alone with a bathrobe collection.

1.  stabbing the object of your affection in the retina with a glow stick.  yeah, you thought i made that up for humor sake.  don’t i wish.  this girl’s first mistake was being in possession of a glow stick.  her second was bringing it into a bar that was so crowded, i’m pretty sure someone got pregnant by just trying to squeeze through.  her third was to be so proud of her glow stick that she started waving it around and now some poor guy is wearing an eye patch.

2.  dancing up on a girl who doesn’t want to dance with you.  she doesn’t want to dance with you so much, she grabs your friend and starts dancing with him to make you go away.  then you send your friend a passive aggressive text message about not stepping on your game.  yeah, i saw that text.  it was as sad as it was amazing.

3.  yelling at a guy (who you approached) for looking at your boobs when you are wearing a shirt cut to your c-section scar and have glitter on your chest.  that’s all i have to say about that.

4.  putting your arm around a girl you have never met and creepily smiling at her.  the girl slid away from him like he was covered in boogers.  who knows.  he might have been.

le sigh

part of me wants to fix all these people and part of me gets a morbid kick out of watching them crash headlong into the romance toilet.  sometimes my nice self needs to punch my mean self in the neck.

what are some flirting don’ts you’ve witnessed or been involved in?  you don’t have to confess if you were the one who caused someone to have to wear an eye patch.

Tags: advice, blog, dating, flirting, flirting don'ts, funny, humor, marriage, men, relationships, satire, women

phone it in friday

no, i have not been sitting here for an hour and 41 minutes trying to think of something to write and have drawn a complete blank so i’m phoning in today’s post.

why are my pants smoking?

today is your day, dear ones.

got a blog you like to read?  link that crap up in the comments.

got a blog you like to write?  plug away.

feel free to shamelessly promote whatever the heck you want and tell us a little bit about it, yourself or you know, whatever.

yes, i used “whatever” twice in the same sentence.  that’s what happens when you phone it in.  duh.

have at it!

oh and here you go.  you’re welcome.

Tags: advice, blog, dating, funny, humor, marriage, men, relationships, satire, women

do opposites attract?

magnets are cool and all.  opposite ends attract and boom! you’ve just made it look like your nose is pierced.  a practical application for this eludes me.  feel free to comment on useful reasons to stick 2 magnets together.

anyweigh, we have been told since the dawn of naughty bits that opposites attract.  and on the shiny surface, it seems to be true.  but is it?  is it really?

i say nay.

my friends would appear to be total opposites.  he’s calm and practical.  she’s batshit crazy.  where he’s quiet and shy, she’s blowing up decibel readers and telling people she just met about her medical condition.

they’re perfect for each other.

on the surface they seem to have exactly zero in common.  but when you look closer, they are very much alike.  both are kind and generous.  they have the same financial goals.  they would give the shirt off their back to whoever needed it and both have a strong sense of the importance of family.

the things they have in common are the bedrock of their relationship.  the things that make them different are hilarious.  she keeps things unpredictable (understatement) for him and he pokes her and says, “keep it classy” when she runs head long off the deep end.

it works.

but if it weren’t for the fact that they have such respect for each other based on the things that ground them, it would just be chaos.

enough about your friends, nutshell it for us, sharideth.

fine!  gawd!  calm down.

opposite personalities can attract.  whether or not they become the healthy, well-balanced relationship people think they should be depends on the similarities.

think of it as a coloring book.  shutup!  hear me out.  the lines create a complete picture.  you know what the picture is and it’s the platform for whatever comes next.  but the color choices are infinite.  the colors keep things interesting and you don’t have to keep them in the lines because the lines aren’t going anywhere.  the lines are what they are no matter what is done with the color.  the lines can be counted on.  the color is where you get to combine the shy with the batshit crazy.

know the lines, but buy the big box of Crayons.

what are your thoughts on opposites attracting, Paula Abdul?

Tags: advice, blog, dating, funny, humor, marriage, men, relationships, satire, women

Just One

last night Craig and i went to shoot some pool for Balentimes* Day.  the bar tender came around and handed out candy hearts.  i pulled one that said, “Just One”.

Just One?  what does that even mean.  she and i talked about it for a minute then gave up.

so i’m throwing it out there to you, my minions.

let’s get philosophical up in here!  what do you think it means?

p.s.  i chatted with a guy at the bar for a second and the bartender told him i’m a writer.  he asked what i write, so i told him the name of the blog and what it’s about.  his response?  “that’s a terrible title.  how do you get away with being so sexist?  i’m from New Hampshire and in journalism, soo…”

so you’re a judgmental asshat?  whatevs.  i’m oddly proud of the whole exchange.

*this is what Craig calls Valentine’s Day.

p.p.s.s.p.$.:P don’t forget to caption this if you haven’t already.

Tags: advice, blog, candy hearts, dating, funny, humor, marriage, men, relationships, satire, valentine's day, women

caption please

i feel like everyone one the planet has made this face at least once while wearing headphones.  unless of course they live in a place where they don’t know what headphones are.  or electricity.  but i have a dream that someday everyone will be able to have an epic Journey moment.  don’t stop believin’.

caption away!

Tags: advice, baby in headphones, blog, dating, funny, humor, marriage, men, relationships, satire, women

worst. date. ever.

what’s the best thing about Valentine’s Day for singles?  the fact that no matter how alone you are today, it’s better than what you are about to read.  yesterday Jon Acuff wrote about terrible Christian first dates and asked his readers to tell their own awful date stories.  there were some good ones.  one even came close to my worst date, but i still win.  and unless you got murdered on your date, i will always win.  i first posted this on Tyler Tarver’s blog about a year ago and figured i’d do a little reposting.  you know, because misery loves compadres…which is Dutch for blog readers.  for those who have read it already, too bad.  read it again.  it’s a sure bet you missed something the first time.

enjoy.

worst. date. ever.

i hear people talk about having the worst date in the history of naughty bits and i don’t even have to listen to the rest of the story to know that i win that trophy.  seriously, it’s on my night stand.

the actual date was my prom night.  the year of prom i will not tell you, but there will probably be clues to get you close along the way.  however, the badness started way before that night….

2 weeks before prom:

• i worked in a tux shop so my date got his tux for free.  i had it all picked out to go with the dress i was wearing; my mom’s ivory, tea-length wedding dress.  it was very Cindi Lauper.  when my date went in for his fitting, he changed the tie and cumber bun to bright yellow without telling me.  doesn’t sound too tragic?  he was a pasty white and blond.  the yellow totally washed him out.  oh AND IT CLASHED LIKE THE TITANS WITH MY DRESS!!!
• my parents informed me they would be out of town.

the day before prom:

• my date called to tell me that he lost his license and i would have to drive my mom’s 86′ Buick Skyhawk.

the day of prom:

• my 2 best friends, Cori (girl) and Craig (boy) came over to help me get ready.  this isn’t bad only noteworthy because one became my maid of honor and one became my husband.  i’ll let you guess which is which.  Craig just thinks of it as possibly the most pathetic moment of his life.

the event:

• i pick up my licenseless date and we head to dinner.  where i paid.  “my parents didn’t give me any money.”  good thing my parents did give me money…so i could for eat for the weekend while they were gone.
• during the dance, the sleeves ripped out of my dress.  apparently 30 year old lace doesn’t hold up against the Running Man.
• my date put his hand on my butt ever chance he got.  he got so grabby, my other guy friends took turns dancing with me during slow songs so he couldn’t touch me anymore.  apparently they had gotten an ear full of his plans for me that night and intervened.  plans included driving to the beach, getting a hotel room and well, you get the picture.  all of which, i was expected to pay for clearly out of sheer gratitude for the exceptional time i was having.

after the prom:

• my friend Rick invited me, not my date, to go with him and his girlfriend out to ice cream to try and salvage my night.  my date overheard the plans and enthusiastically accepted.
• when we got to the ice cream parlor, the door on my mom’s car broke and i couldn’t close it.  a very nice limo driver got out his tool box and he and Rick and i fixed it while my date sat inside eating ice cream that Rick paid for.
• the limo driver, come to find out, had driven my very jealous ex boyfriend to the same ice cream parlor and he and my date nearly came to blows while his date wished me dead.
• did i mention i had grease stains on my mom’s wedding dress from laying on the ground to fix the door?  yeah.
• i drove my date home.
• he tried to kiss me.
• i shoved him in the face.
• i drove me home.
• only to find out my house had been broken into and the burglar was still there.
• i left to find a pay phone (cells phones were still a ways off yet unless you were rich).  i called the cops and my ex boyfriends parents.
• the cops didn’t get the burglar, but i did get to stay the night at my ex boyfriend’s house.  he and i weren’t exactly speaking, but his parents still adored me.

the next day:

• i got to work late at the tux shop due to having to wait for my ex to drive me back to my car and was promptly fired.

the end

i know you can’t beat that, but we both know you’re going to try.

so let’s hear them.  worst date ever stories.  go.

Happy Freaking Valentine’s Day.

Tags: advice, blog, dating, funny, humor, marriage, men, relationships, satire, valentine's day, women, worst date ever