Glossary Of Girls

okay, i’m about to get all generalized up in here.  the following is a list of personality types you will find in the feminine universe.  each one will eventually be expanded upon in its own special blog.  as you read through them, you will find yourself attaching the names of girls you already know.  danger will robinson!  just because you may recognize the trait doesn’t mean that fully identifies her quality.  take all of these with a quarter teaspoon of kosher salt.

she peaked in high school

you know who i mean.  she’s in her mid to late 20’s and still campaigning for prom queen.  she may never be more than she is and her life plan is to be mrs. dr. somebody.  the height of her success will be chairing the women’s axillary at the country club.  that’s the super prom queen win.

the upside to this one is that she is not a gold digger.  she will tend to be simple and loyal.

miss insecurity

this is the beautiful girl who has no sense of self-worth.  she puts herself down, refuses to take a compliment and asks questions like “why do you like me?”  she needs constant reassurance and may have trust issues.  however, there is hope for this one.  if you see moments of fierceness poking through the fear clouds, she may be able to learn to stiffen her spine and become “a keeper”.

the cling-on

this girl is so needy she can’t function without you.  that’s an ego stroke on the front end but exhausting shortly there after.  she has to know where you are and be able to get in touch with you at all times.  blowing up your cell phone during your guy’s night is just the beginning.  at first she will seem normal but she will quickly dump all her friends and activities to be attached to you 24/7.  and oh yes, she will expect the same from you.

upside to this one?  just like miss insecurity, she may be able to learn to chill out and gain some confidence.

the princess

she is the Sears Tower of high maintenance.  it’s her way, all day, everyday.  according to Dr. Phil, and i quote, “She’s not a wife, she’s a job.”  you’ll spend your whole life catering to her.  she is the epicenter of self-absorption.  if she gets annoyed, and she will, a lot, you’d better be ready with the jewelry.  she would never pick up a newspaper but has an encyclopedic knowledge of teeth whiteners.

positives?  i can’t think of one.  unless you’re into vapid and spending all your money.

little miss can’t be wrong

this one can be sneaky.  she will lure you in by making you believe she’s fun and outgoing.  next thing you know, you’re insecure and a shell of your former self.  she will criticize everything you do in a way that makes you think she’s right.  she wields a passive-aggressive sword with all the finesse of Picasso.  you are cleanly sliced in two before you ever see the blow.  being right all the time and making you understand how right she is, is her drug of choice.

positives?  her respect can be earned.  you just have to pick your battles.  man up and learn to say no.

itsneverenough girl

nothing you do, provide, accomplish will ever be enough for this one.  reaching the bar will never happen because she will always raise it.  it’s highly likely that when she’s in a good mood, she’s the life of the party.  but when the party’s over, she’s going to give you the laundry list of everything you did wrong that she’s been tallying all night long.  she is always on the verge of fury, will emasculate you and use sex as a weapon.  no matter what you do, it will never be enough and she may even tell you so directly.

the only hope for this one is a personality transplant or Prozac.

the runner

this girl is not for the faint of heart.  chances are good that she has some legitimate trust issues that have been more inflicted upon her than acquired.  once you start to get too close, she bolts.  but she’s strong and probably very caring and intelligent.  she’s just afraid and will put you through the wringer before granting you even the smallest trace of faith.  however, she is very likely worth it.

the keeper

this girl doesn’t need you but just prefers to have you along.  she’s comfortable around your friends and family.  unless of course, you friends are schmucks or your family is a cesspool of dysfunction.  she knows who she is and likes herself.  she loves being with you but is also happy having her own friends and independence.  this is a girl who, if you dropped dead, would survive because she’s that strong.  she likes her life but would rather have you in it.  she’s your equal.  she challenges you and makes you want to be a better man.  you’ll be waiting to see what she says next.

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