Dear Sharideth, How do I not lead her on?

Hi Sharideth,
Wondering about your thoughts on ways to kindly communicate to a friend that you are not interested in them. You know, like when you have a pretty good hunch that they are into you, and you kind of secretly enjoy that validation, also know that its not going to happen and have been strung along before and have vowed to reduce the overall douchebaggery in the world and thus never to do that to others?
It seems like the direct approach is a bit presumptuous, but the indirect approach could be even worse.

Yours,
Not A Douchebag

Dear NAD,

I commend your attempt at reducing douchebaggery. After you do away with leading girls on, can I suggest you go after a ban on deep Vs? Also, big thumbs up for admitting you like the validation of her admiration but aren’t going to use her for it. I think I just heard a collective swoon from my lovely lady readers.

Honestly, this one is hard for me to answer because I don’t know what kind of girl you’re dealing with. Is she the kind that will stay your friend for years in hopes you’ll come around? Because that girl is more common than you think. Is she the type that will get the hint when you ask her advice on asking another girl out? Is she into you but also not going to wait around for you because lame and she’s too confident to do that?

If she’s the first, you have to stop hanging out with her. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s the only way. Any attention from you will be hoarded as hope.

If she’s the second, great. That’s easy. Letting her know you’re pursuing someone else, even a nonspecific someone else, will do the trick. Specific is better though. That way she doesn’t do the girl thing of twisting it her brain to think you’re getting her advice on how to ask her out.

What? Don’t get mad at me, ladies. We’ve all done it.

There’s also a possibility you can keep the friendship with no weirdness, but that will be up to her. If she stops interacting with you, let her go.

The third is my favorite. She’s decided you’re someone who she’d like to have along in her life, but has embraced her own self worth enough to not need you or wait around for you. She may end being one of your best friends and a true confidant. Just let her know you appreciate her friendship. She’ll get it. She’s also the one you could straight up tell you only feel friendship for if the subject comes up. She can take it.

Under no circumstances, no matter what kind of girl you’re dealing with, do you tell her you want to meet someone like her. That sounds like a compliment to you, but trust me, no bueno. That will either make her desperate for you because you just don’t realize yet how much you love her *sighgaspOMG* or it will make her want to cut your nether regions to ribbons.

Oh so sincerely,

Sharideth

Ladies, what would make you understand you are kindly, but firmly friendzoned?

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Dear Sharideth: What did I miss?

Today’s question comes via a comment on my Why She Puts You in the Friend Zone post. Have a read….

I met this girl and we hit it off immediately. We hung out all the time and we bonded very easily, sharing a lot of the same humor, interests, etc. I asked her out after about 2 weeks but she said she wasn’t ready. Turns out she had just gotten out of a 1 1/2 year relationship with a guy that she almost married. Regardless of this rejection, we still hung out almost every day/talked every day. Looking back on it, it seems obvious that I was friendzoned then, but she told me “I like to be friends with guys before I consider seriously dating them”. This spoke to me as “keep going, you’re on the right path”.  I would remind her from time to time that I was still interested but was told no. Finally, two days ago I was officially friendzoned for good (maybe? Probably lolol) but her reasoning was just that “her heart wasn’t in it”. Sounds like a #3 situation, but she told me that in the beginning she was initially attracted to me as a love interest. I just don’t know where I went wrong. I wasn’t passive about what I wanted, and let her know my intentions early and often. Am I just THAT unlucky? Or y’all think there is something I missed? – Levi

Dear Levi,

Great name. Very biblical and full of denim durability. So yeah, you got friendzoned harder than Grape Nuts. My instinct is that you are correct about being in the “she’s just not that into you” category. Girls don’t friendzone guys they’re into. They just don’t.

As far as I can tell, you did do everything right. Reminding her you were still interested was good work. My only question is, did you date other girls while you were waiting on her or not? Because you should have. Waiting on someone who has told she’s not “ready” is a self-inflicted purgatory. Why? Because when a girl says she’s not ready to date after a long relationship, most of the time, that’s a lie.

A Biggest Loser sized one.

She probably doesn’t even know she’s lying, but she is. I’ve rarely met a girl who makes this claim and won’t immediately go on a date with someone she’s really attracted to. I’m not saying she won’t still be hung up on the ex, God knows that’s entirely possible, but there’s nothing like being asked out by someone she finds super cute to soothe the savage ego. It could be your girl may have been truly wrecked after her relationship and no one looked good to her. It happens. But if she were into you, she would have eventually come around.

Sucks. I know.

Moral of the story, declare yourself but don’t wait around after she says no. Feel free to keep the idea of her on the back burner, but a man’s gotta eat and that means actually cooking. That’s front burner stuff. Otherwise your most intimate relationships are going to be with Netflix and your PS3.

Oh so sincerely,

Sharideth

*terrible analogy brought to you by the number 2 and the fact that I’m hungry*

What else would you guys tell our friend?

why she puts you in the friend zone

so yesterday one of my dumb twitter twaddle lines struck a nerve.  apparently an exposed nerve that was stabbed and set on fire.

#WhyDoFemales Always fall for the bad guys and friend zone the good guys?

i’ve written about how to get out of the friend zone here and here, but realized i haven’t much considered the “why” of the whole thing.

turns out, it’s really pretty simple.

first, let’s deal with why the jackholes never end up friend zoned and seem to get the girl.

are you ready for this?  it’s a mind blower…

they never want to be friends.

yeah, let that sink in a second.

those guys go straight for the kill and move on if the shot doesn’t land.  can’t be friend zoned if you don’t want to be friends.  and why do girls fall for them?  easy.  the aggressive approach is flattering and kinda hot.  not gonna lie.  girls will fall for it over and over again because it’s exciting, a serious boost to the ego and addicting as crack.  i know it was for me.

but a girl with sense and value will eventually get over it and desire something else.  something more real.  do. not. mistake. this. for. settling.  did i use enough periods to make my point?  it is not settling, it’s maturing.  it is finally realizing that the real prize is in the kindness.  it’s in the friend.

so here’s where it gets 50 shades of grey, but not 50 Shades of Grey, iykwim…well, maybe it kinda does eventually.  hopefully.

there are reason why you guys end up in the friend zone.  some might surprise you.

• self-inflicted – if i were going to pick just one reason to rule them all, it would be this one.  she might put you there initially, but it is ENTIRELY up to you how long you stay there.  from a nanosecond to years…your choice.
• she doesn’t know any better – oh man, this was me.  i had exactly 2 boyfriends in high school and it was because they both showed immediate interest in me as datable.  there was no question about their intent.  every other guy i knew was friend zoned because i didn’t think there was any other option.  i assumed if they didn’t come right out and jump me (so to speak), then friends we would be.  turns out, i frustrated a lot of guys.  they all thought my friend zone was Fort Knox, when it was really made of cellophane.
• appreciates you, but not attracted to you – ouch.  yeah, i know.  but it happens.  she knows you’re a great guy and values your company and friendship, but biology just isn’t cooperating.  nothing to be done about that.  this happened with one of my best friends.  the only one to ever try and tear through my cellophane, except Craig, of course.  he made it clear from the 7th grade all the way through graduation that all i had to do was say “yes”.  i never did.  i adored him.  still do.  the chemistry was just never there for me.  and he’s not unattractive.  quite the opposite.  he’s a very handsome ginger.  if you ask me why it never happened, i won’t have an answer, because i really don’t know.  what i do know is that even though i rarely ever see him anymore, he is still my friend.
• she’s a Lucy – she’s using you.  happens more than you might think.  you’re her security blanket.  keeping you and your admiration around makes her feel better about herself.  oh yes.  it’s the height of selfishness.  being the nice guy you are, you will stick around way longer than you should because “she needs you.”  bullshizzle.  what she needs is to grow up and stop sucking other people you dry to suit her own end.  that end being where she runs back to you to refill her tank when the guy she really wants has bolted.

not sure whether i’ve made things better or worse for you today.  guess you’ll have to tell me.

any other reason girls will put guys in the friend zone?

going out to coffee is not a date.?.!.>.<.

i’m confused.

stop making your shocked face.  booger head.

last week over at Caitlin Muir‘s blog, she hosted a guest post by Lauren Jean called, Dear Sir, You Are A Creep.  a brilliant bit of weirdness about things guys do and how women interpret them.

this is one thing she said:

I could just tell you that when you ask me out to coffee instead of asking me out makes me automatically put you in the friendzone, because you didn’t just man up and say what you wanted, but I’m too busy being polite and thinking of 1 shot, decaf iced breves with a half shot of hazelnut.

i would have been surprised by this if i hadn’t just had the same conversation with another friend.  she was adamant about it and spoke as though her friends agree.  apparently this is a thing.

single ladies don’t consider going out for coffee a date.  at least some of them don’t.  that’s what friends do.  right?

i don’t know.

hold your collective gasp.  sometimes i don’t know things.

so i’m throwing this one out there for you in poll form.

for the comments:

do you consider going out to coffee a date?

if so, why?

if not, why?

girls, will you immediately put someone in the friend zone if he asks you to coffee?

dear sharideth: am i his Christian booty call?

Dear Sharideth,

So I’ve got a situation….there’s this boy (as there is in any situation!). We’ve known each other for about a year now, and for a couple of months we’ve been spending quite a bit of time together, heaps of texting (mostly initiated by him), and more and more one on one time recently. I quite like him! Like quite a lot! But the problem is I have no idea where I stand with him!! He’s so flirty and when we are together we act like a couple, but he NEVER actually says that he likes me…and it’s been going on for so long, it’s exhausting!

I’m scared hes never actually going to make a move and ask me out. I’m starting to feel, in a weird way, like his Christian booty call. I’ll go over and we will kind of snuggle and watch movies, but minus any committment!

It’s kind of exhausting and I feel a bit used! I really don’t know what to do. I want him to initiate whatever happens, but I have a sinking feeling he may never initate anything!

Any ideas on what I should do?

Thanks,

Just a Booty Call?

dear JABC?,

ideas?  do i have ideas?  i have tons of ideas!  most involve ways to get MegaMillions rich while not actually doing anything, but i don’t think those are the ideas you mean.

are you being treated like a Christian booty call?  yes.  does he actually think that’s all you are?  there’s no way to know that from what you’ve told me.  you’re probably going to have to straight up ask him.

breathe.  annnnnd one more time.  in and out.  in and out.

it’s not that big of a deal.  stressful?  yes.  but necessary. 

there’s really only two options:

1.  you are a booty call and you need to quit him.  the schmuck.

2.  he’s not sure what to do next and you have to let him what’s okay.

the way to figure it out is to simply tell him what you’re thinking.  like, “i really dig hanging out like this with you, but i need to know what you want next.  i’m in if there’s a next step, but if that’s not what you’re thinking, i’ve got to not do this anymore.”

got it?  yeah?  awesome.  my powers of assumption are legend.

for more on this, feel free to spend 3 minutes on “but what if i lose the friendship?”

have you ever been someone’s booty call?  Christian or otherwise?

any other advice for our friend?

“but what if i lose the friendship?”

i get this question a lot.  “what if i tell my friend that my feelings are deeper?”  “what if i ask her out and she says no?”  “what if i lose the friendship?”

my answer:

so what if you do?

sharideth, you are an insensitive and terrible person.  i hope you burn to death.

whatever.

but seriously, so what if you do?  if a friendship can’t survive that kind of honesty, it’s not much of a friendship. and since we’re on the subject of honesty (by we, i mean me), let’s talk about why the two of you are friends in the first place.  sometimes it’s an organic circumstance that makes you friends.  and sometimes it’s because one of you thought the other one was hot and started the process of getting to know each other.  then the friend zone happens.

whether you are a boy or a girl, you stay in friendships where your feelings are not reciprocated out of fear.  you continue to stay attached to someone who isn’t going to ever be more than your friend and you pine from anear because to do otherwise scares the crap out of you.

knock it off.

sometimes it works out and the friendship becomes something else, something more.

and sometimes it doesn’t.

the point is, you can’t stay that close to someone, who is a friend of the opposite sex, when you do end up finding someone else.  and it’s a whole lot harder to find someone else when you have welded yourself to a friend. 

it’s really pretty simple.  fish or cut it the frick out.  also, i’m not any good at sayings.

i’m not going to rehash the whole can men and women be just friends.  the answer is, there is no answer.  or all the answers.  whatever.

but here is some truth i am going to cram down your necks.  so hold on to your butts, because i’m going to get brutal.

guys, if you are stuck in the friend zone with a girl you really like, grow a pair.  ask her out or move on.  stop staying safe in your comfortable yet soul crushing friendship.  man up.  be someone your “friend” can respect by walking away.

girls, tell him how you feel or stop hanging out.  while you are pining away in the friend zone, you are keeping yourself oblivious to all others that might actually want to date you.  stop being pathetic.

oh sharideth, you’ve gone too far.  now you’re just insulting people and getting hostile.

yep.  indeed i am.  why?  because people who live in fear of losing a friendship also lived paralyzed emotionally.  and i’m going to kick them where it hurts until they start to see some reality.

safe is lonely.

friendship is to dating, what dating is to marriage.  the trial period.

stop limiting yourself.

guys, for more on picking the lock on the friend box you’re in, read an open letter to nice guys.

girls, find your pride, it’s probably in the same place as your spine, and move on.  he’ll realize he missed out and run you down or he won’t.  either way, you’ll be free.

anybody going through this right now?

how much of a jerk am i?