Facebook relationship status break down

any idea how hard i didn’t have to look to find this gem among the bajillion that are out there?

Mark Zuckerberg should have shot on sight put a stop to whoever thought up the Facebook relationship status.  that person is clearly a sociopath who eats his or her (probably her) young.

but sharideth, her that person’s intentions were pure! she they just wanted people to be able to keep their friends in the loop!

no.

it’s innately evil and i’m going to tell you why.

excuse: i can let everyone know in one shot what’s going on, that way i don’t have to answer all the same questions over and over.

reality: i am offering an open invitation to my family, my friends, 19 probable adult film stars, a legion of crappy bands and that one guy i haven’t seen since the 6th grade to participate in my love life.  that way, when my status changes, they can fly into a wall posting frenzy and i will blow up like a tick on all the attention.

here’s the Facebook relationship status breakdown:

1.  single

  • excuse: i want you to think i’m super duper awesome with my singleness.
  • reality: i just want every other person i’m Facebook friends with, who could be potential date material, to know i’m available.

2. in a relationship

  • excuse: i want my snuggle puppy to know i’m proud of our relationship.
  • reality: i want everyone who i’ve ever dated or wanted to date to know they missed out.  especially that one ex who i’m not really over.

3. it’s complicated

  • excuse: i want people to think i’m complex and willing to work on the hard stuff.
  • reality: i am either being jerked around, doing the jerking or too yellow bellied to make a decision.

4. engaged

  • excuse: OMG! I’M GETTING MARRIED!
  • reality: OMG! I’M GETTING MARRIED! with a touch of smug.

5. in an open relationship

  • yes, that’s really on the list.
  • WTF?

6. married

  • excuse: i’m married.
  • reality: i’m married with a touch of “and you’re not”.

7. separated

  • excuse: things in my marriage are rocky and i’m being pathetically and publicly morbid about it.
  • reality: things in my marriage are rocky and i’m being pathetically and publicly morbid about it.

8. divorced

  • excuse: i’m divorced and proud of it?
  • reality: i’m divorced and am either rubbing it my ex’s face that it’s final or more bitter than burnt espresso roast.

even the best of relationship statuses can and do change.  the only one that can possibly be justified is the “married” status.  i’m even guilty of this one.  but the truth is, marriages end, too, then you’re still stuck explaining to everyone on your friends list.

any time you change your relationship status, and some of you are relationship status addicts and abusers, you invite more problems by making everyone a part of it.  you want people to stay out of it, but you have openly embraced their participation by broadcasting every change you make, dummy.

delete it.  you can make your relationship status disappear with the punch of a button.  when people ask you about it, tell them to butt the frack out.

stop attention whoring.

yeah, i said it.

any relationship status stories?

if you could add anything to status list, what would it be?

who’s going to delete their relationship status today?  who already has?

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30 comments on “Facebook relationship status break down

  1. I think instead of being interested in men or women, women without cleavage pictures should be in there. Maybe they should also be in relationship statuses.

    I think you’re right in your subliminal messages, but not in your why it’s wrong. Anybody who has Twitter, Facebook or the like, is showing himself of to a certain degree. You and I both didn’t accidentily choose our Twitter avatars, I think the degree in which you’re drawn to show off for others more than just for yourself would be more of a slippery slope.

  2. Wonder_aloud says:

    I think there is *some* value to some of the relationship statuses, especially ‘married’ and ‘in a relationship’, not so much for bragging rights as a degree of preemptive protection. Yes, you can set your security settings so no one can find you, but doesn’t that miss some of the point of Facebook? In order to be visible enough for that girl you lost track of from college but would love to catch up with to find you, you also have to be visible to your creepy stalker from work or the guy whose heart you broke in high school. A status that says ‘I’m taken’ won’t stop them from hitting on you any more than a wedding band will in real life, but like a wedding band it gives you something to point to and walk away. I think the true evil is in the fact that the status changes are posted to anyone and every one. Having a status isn’t evil, dragging everyone into your status changes could be.

    • don’t you think it is automatically dragging everyone in by posting a relationship status? whether it’s wanted or not?

      • Isn’t your point also reversed? What’s the point of everyone getting involved? I updated my status once it was clear to most of my (FB) friends. They just liked the officialness of it. I wouldn’t want people drawing too much of a conclusion out of it.

  3. I never have had my relationship status on Facebook. If people really want to know, they can ask…and I can choose if I want to answer.

    On this topic, I always cringe a little bit when someone’s status goes from “in a relationship” to “single” and people Like the change. Even if it was a good change, that doesn’t seem like the sort of thing the Like button was created for.

  4. Bethany says:

    I’ve never posted my relationship status except for one time in college. They made an account for the dining commons, and I thought it would be pretty hilarious if I could be “in a relationship” with it. The only problem is that while I waited for them to (not) accept me, I still had to post that I was in a relationship. Nothing really happened on my wall, just friends coming up to me in real life and excitedly asking about the lucky guy.

  5. G Fresh says:

    “I have the Gift of Paul”

    “Just because I’ve been single for a really long time, it doesn’t mean I’m gay grandma” although I guess that would probably fall under “It’s complicated”

    “Single and here’s a link to my e-harmony profile”

  6. Rachel says:

    A-freakin-men!!

  7. Jenn says:

    I used to have it on there when I was engaged – when that ended I took my status off entirely. Though I have to say there are days when I would like to have a “I’m not looking please leave me alone, my last relationship was/is crazy complicated” status because it seems the small graduate school I attend everyone is so freaking covert about their relationship status that it’s weird – I just want it out on the table that while there is no ring on my finger and technically I don’t have a boyfriend I want to be left alone.

  8. Laurie says:

    I think every time you get in a fight with your signifcant other you should put “it’s complicated.” Makes me laugh every time. Next time you and Craig get in a fight sharideth, you should change it to it’s complicated. Oh man, that makes me laugh just thinking about it.

  9. I don’t check Facebook very often, mostly just when someone sends me a direct message or a birthday reminder comes through. So I tend to find out about events after missing the lead-up to them.

    After being away from FB for a month or more and coming on for a birthday notice, I was rather startled to find a married old schoolmate’s last name had changed back to her maiden name and her status had changed to In a Relationship with a guy who was not the husband of whom I was last aware. That opens up the whole kettle of fish of wondering if she found a new guy and left her husband or if her husband left her and she’s moved on. I still haven’t felt like it was appropriate for me to ask. Which means I didn’t know whether to congratulate her on the new relationship since I don’t know if she’s a survivor or an adulterer. We don’t really talk anyway, so I just haven’t mentioned it at all.

    Similarly, I found out about 2 old friends’ divorce 2 days before it was final via an FB status. We’re cordial when we chat but live on other ends of the country so we don’t keep close track of each other. Actually, I think it was annulment, not divorce. That it was possible to still get an annulment after a decade also confused me, but that’s a legal question.

    On that note, a mystery to me is “divorced but still close friends/still care about each other.” Divorced and hate each other I can understand. Not condoning, necessarily, but understanding, sure. But I confess I am mystified as to what difference can be no deterent to friendship and affection but so irreconcilable that you cannot continue to be married any longer. Especially for marriages that are a number of years old.

  10. E_Marie says:

    My status used to say “single,” but when I started teaching I took it down altogether so I didn’t have to deal with my students knowing all about my relationship status and giving me grief. However, when you take your status off FB altogether, it appears on your friend’s newsfeeds as “So-and-so is no longer single.” Which means I had tons of people, including my best friend, calling and emailing me all riled up that I had out of the blue started dating someone, and they didn’t know who.

    I also found out my two friends, who were married to each other, got separated on FB a whole week before either of them told me in person…awkward.

  11. Abby says:

    My relationship status hasn’t been on Facebook in years for the same reason that has already been mentioned: Good friends already know. I only put on social media what I care to broadcast to the whole world. Besides, what’s life without a little mystery?

  12. For many reasons, I am glad NOT to be on Facebook!

    I think a useful relationship status addition would be:

    “Not looking”.

    Probably less useful, but fun to think about:

    “Still not over my last break-up”
    “Married to my work”
    Well, there’s this person I really really like, but I haven’t yet plucked up the courage to tell them how I feel…”

    • Jenn says:

      I think this is where FB needs to go – they got rid of the “is” in the status line, why not make the relationship part customizable?

  13. Eric says:

    Great post. I agree with Wonder_aloud. There is some value to posting your relationship status. There are those few who are smart enough to notice a wedding ring and know not to start that drama. In my opinion it is still fending of some temptation.
    But I don’t agree with those who abuse it and change it every week. Those folks are begging for attention!

  14. lmmartens says:

    My ex boyfriend was sitting at his computer desk when the official decision happened. He changed it before I even left his apartment.

  15. holly says:

    i took my status down a long time ago.

  16. Regan says:

    Mine has been “single” for so long, I doubt I would know how to change it. When I actually had a boyfriend last year, he declined to go “facebook official.” Which I guess was a good thing since we broke up after three months. It saved me a lot of explaining.

  17. asoulwalker says:

    You know I have never had any problems on facebook. I’m not sure why. Most of my friends have funny stories about one thing or another (including relationship status bloopers, jokes, nightmares, etc…). I don’t have any. I don’t ever feel pressure to be on facebook… maybe that has something to do with it. Regardless I feel left out by not having any strong opinions or funny stories (which often have a magical relationship with each other) about facebook at all.

  18. Rachel says:

    This was the best entertainment of my Thursday. And also of everyone sitting near me in Panera as I laughed [ahem snort-laughed] through the entire thing. Relationship status button or no people find plenty of ways to air their drama. @Burrill +1 for the “desperate” suggestion.

  19. Helen says:

    You can hide when you relationship status changes. So whilst mine says I’m in a relationship it didn’t come up on people’s newsfeed for them to comment over.

    However when my ex and I called off our engagement he took it upon himself to change his relationship status with out forewarning me and so a number of my family and friends found out that way before i had the chance to hide it.

    I guess thats what you get for breaking someone’s heart, a load of awkward questions.

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