Facebook relationship status break down

any idea how hard i didn’t have to look to find this gem among the bajillion that are out there?

Mark Zuckerberg should have shot on sight put a stop to whoever thought up the Facebook relationship status.  that person is clearly a sociopath who eats his or her (probably her) young.

but sharideth, her that person’s intentions were pure! she they just wanted people to be able to keep their friends in the loop!


it’s innately evil and i’m going to tell you why.

excuse: i can let everyone know in one shot what’s going on, that way i don’t have to answer all the same questions over and over.

reality: i am offering an open invitation to my family, my friends, 19 probable adult film stars, a legion of crappy bands and that one guy i haven’t seen since the 6th grade to participate in my love life.  that way, when my status changes, they can fly into a wall posting frenzy and i will blow up like a tick on all the attention.

here’s the Facebook relationship status breakdown:

1.  single

  • excuse: i want you to think i’m super duper awesome with my singleness.
  • reality: i just want every other person i’m Facebook friends with, who could be potential date material, to know i’m available.

2. in a relationship

  • excuse: i want my snuggle puppy to know i’m proud of our relationship.
  • reality: i want everyone who i’ve ever dated or wanted to date to know they missed out.  especially that one ex who i’m not really over.

3. it’s complicated

  • excuse: i want people to think i’m complex and willing to work on the hard stuff.
  • reality: i am either being jerked around, doing the jerking or too yellow bellied to make a decision.

4. engaged

  • reality: OMG! I’M GETTING MARRIED! with a touch of smug.

5. in an open relationship

  • yes, that’s really on the list.
  • WTF?

6. married

  • excuse: i’m married.
  • reality: i’m married with a touch of “and you’re not”.

7. separated

  • excuse: things in my marriage are rocky and i’m being pathetically and publicly morbid about it.
  • reality: things in my marriage are rocky and i’m being pathetically and publicly morbid about it.

8. divorced

  • excuse: i’m divorced and proud of it?
  • reality: i’m divorced and am either rubbing it my ex’s face that it’s final or more bitter than burnt espresso roast.

even the best of relationship statuses can and do change.  the only one that can possibly be justified is the “married” status.  i’m even guilty of this one.  but the truth is, marriages end, too, then you’re still stuck explaining to everyone on your friends list.

any time you change your relationship status, and some of you are relationship status addicts and abusers, you invite more problems by making everyone a part of it.  you want people to stay out of it, but you have openly embraced their participation by broadcasting every change you make, dummy.

delete it.  you can make your relationship status disappear with the punch of a button.  when people ask you about it, tell them to butt the frack out.

stop attention whoring.

yeah, i said it.

any relationship status stories?

if you could add anything to status list, what would it be?

who’s going to delete their relationship status today?  who already has?