First let me apologize because this is probably a long email. I have read a bunch of articles on your blog and find them very insightful.
I must say, I perfectly fit the nice guy description. I frequent a small local book club, where I would usually just go in participate in the discussion and leave. I was friendly but did not really converse much with the other members. One of the girls approached via Facebook to chat, and pushed me to hangout. I figured I would hang out with her casually, since I was not sure I was interested in her, and took her to a movie that we both wanted to see. She came on a bit strong, but I felt like I should see where things go considering how much we got along and how much she liked me. The truth was, I enjoyed that she made the first move since I am usually shy and timid. From what I later understood, she was intrigued with me because I seemed a little mysterious, always had the best insights, smart, well dressed, but distant to the rest of the crowd.
It was great, she fit the description of the girl I was looking for: outgoing, active intellectually and physically, a go getter, a nerdy quirky side, and one from an upstanding family with the same values I had. We had great chemistry and I could just take off my glasses to turn her on. The relationship moved forward, I tried to balance wanting to hang and talk with her all the time with taking it slow and not rushing. After a month an a half, I seemed to be getting signals from her that she wanted things to get more serious; she asked to be exclusive, and to be somewhat physical (not sex or anything sexual, but from a religious community and me being particularly religious this required a lot of effort). So I began hugging and snuggling with her, going out or talking more often, hanging with her family and so on. I knew it bothered her that she had to prod me to snuggle but I felt if I was going to show physical affection it would only come hand in hand with me feeling that this relationship was the real thing.
One night after hanging out, she gives me an ultimatum, I need to start opening up to her emotionally or else she can’t see things going forward. She simultaneously lets me know that a guy friend let her know he was available and that he was already emotionally open with her. I told her that I was a closed person, but I made the effort and really opened up to her that night. I made an effort to still do this, all the while hanging out and having the relationship move forward further. I continued getting signals that she wanted to be more intimate with me, and one night she even asked me to kiss her while we were snuggling. I told her I was not ready but to show her how I felt, I took her hand and kissed it.
A couple of days later she calls me to come over and tells me she needs a break. I was stupefied and did not know how to answer. She tells me, “How do I know that your “the one,” and you’re amazing and different from any guy I could have imagined going out with.” I thought she just needed space. I said ok, gave her a hug, and as she left she said, “Don’t be afraid to call me in a month.”
A month passes and she passes me by and says very coldly, “Hey!” I text her hows it going and she tells me that shes happy and does not want anything to change. I was devastated. I sent her a few harsh texts about how she was not forthcoming with me, and finally we have the chat. She tells me I’m just not the guy for her, I don’t speak to her personality, and that I’m not exciting. I say how do you know, and she tells me that she went out with that friend and though it did not work out, she didn’t feel nervous as she would with me. We finally agreed to be friends, but it’s obvious she was just trying to make me feel better.
Unfortunately this brought out all my insecurities on top of the fact that I cant get over her. We never even had any bad times that I could reflect on since it ended so abruptly.
I would really appreciate your insight on how I can move forward.
Confused and hurt
Dear C & H,
I’ve thought about this off and on quite a bit since you first emailed me. And thinking about anything a lot is not my general MO. I could take your email line by line and break it down, making this the longest post ever on my blog, but honestly, all that would still lead to one simple answer.
The two of you are not compatible. Like, a whole lot of not.
And jut so we’re clear, I don’t think your position on physical relationship is wrong. I respect it. I don’t think hers is wrong either, but the two perspectives are definitely square peg round hole.
You both approach relationship very differently. So differently, that they don’t even resemble one another in practice. That just doesn’t work. It won’t work with anyone except a girl with same value system you have in regards to physical relationship. Or at least one who respects your position enough to wait until you are comfortable with moving in that direction.
This is not the end for you. Take it as a The More You Know lesson and look for girls with your same value system.
Oh so sincerely,
Any other advice for our friend?