feel better about yourself friday

*i have no idea if this will become a series or not, but reading it should make you feel exponentially better about your own decency and humanity.

sometimes i’ll tweet about things i overhear while out and about.  by out and about, i mean shooting pool.  what you’re about to read is what i gathered about a girl over a two night period in the same week.  it was too much to be contained by twitter.  it’s really too much to be contained by any one person, but she somehow managed to cram an unbelievable amount of horrible into her woman’s petite sized body.  i generally don’t go after a single person in my blogs, but since i don’t even know her name (Craig has dubbed her Bossy Bessie) and the odds of my readers shooting pool with me in the place she frequents is limited to about 4 of you, i think her identity is safe.

you’d think this girl is some sort hybrid, like Species, out of the Glossary of Girls, but she’s a real live nightmare.  was i eavesdropping?  i wasn’t droppin’ no eaves.  that is, i heard great deal about a ring and a dark lord….

oops, wrong story.

anyway, the point is, i didn’t have to eavesdrop.  she was talking so loud, it simply wasn’t necessary.  unfortunately it all started with her addressing me directly.  here’s the highlights:

night 1on a date

1.  asking if she and her “friend” could share our pool table – her:  “i know you guys are paying by the hour and everything, but could we maybe play doubles with you for a couple of games?”  me:  “my husband prefers to just play with the two of us.”  (yep, i threw Craig under the bus.)  her:  “could you ask him?”  me:  “no.”

now, before you think i was rude, you have to understand that this girl is maybe 30 and her “friend” is old enough to be her father.  the dynamic between the two was more than a little creepy.  you’d have said no, too.

2.  conversation with her “friend” – this is paraphrased to keep my blog safe for children and Tyler Tarver*while holding hands across the table with her “friend”…”i didn’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you the sex was just okay.  i mean, i have better with my husband, but he’s such a jerk!  you’re so nice, i just couldn’t tell you.  i mean, i’m willing to try again and i can tell you what i need to “be satisfied”.”  which she proceeded to do.  without using her inside voice.  for 20 minutes.

night 2 – shooting pool with another couple

3.  conversation with the guy from the other couple – i’m not going to quote her, i’m just going to explain.  the guy was a good pool player.  she wasn’t.  she proceeded to argue with him about how to play.  belligerently.  loudly.  the worst part, she’d smirk at him when he was yelling back at her.  oh yeah, it was pleasant.

4.  conversation with girl from the other couple – ugh.  it was a whole lot about “why do you put up with him?” and “you’d be better off single…”  while the guy was in ear shot.  if i could hear her, so could he.

i could go on, but i won’t.

now don’t you feel better about yourself?  no matter how messed up you think you are, there’s always somebody worse.  it’s why i watch Maury sometimes.  at least i know who my baby daddy is.

oh yes, i’m aware making a comparison like that makes me a terrible person.  irony loves sticking it to me.

other “overheard at the pool hall” honorable mentions:

– “remember that trucker last night who was shooting spit wads at my coconut bra?!?”

– 60+ year old guy, with his ear buds in, singing Pour Some Sugar on Me in an excellent baritone.

what are somethings you’ve overheard in public?

follow me on twitter for other stuff i overhear

19 comments on “feel better about yourself friday

  1. Joseph says:

    I work out of a coffee shop most Thursdays, and I hear some dandies from time to time… Can’t think of anything specific right now, but if you do decide to keep this a running series, I’ll start taking notes a little more carefully…

  2. Jenn says:

    First of all no amount of “inside voice” usage permits a discussion about your sexual encounters and apparent lack of satisfaction in your affair. It just doesn’t. Now granted my friends and I have been known to talk about VBAC’s (google it if you need to) and all sorts of medical topics that no one wants to know about in public over a few martini’s but we try to do so with some discression.

    Oh I’m sure I’ve heard some lovely conversations – but just like Joseph I’ll have to start taking notes. I do often find myself saying “Oh honey no,” snapping a pic or something like that and passing on the fun. I guess I will just have to do that here.

  3. Douglas says:

    So, what does she need? I’m a student of life.

  4. Tyler says:

    I am extremely fragile.

  5. Matt Gates says:

    Sheesh. I need to play pool with you guys. Tyler can come too as long as he brings earmuffs.

  6. heather joy says:

    Oh this is full of all sorts of public awkwardness…
    I’m still trying to recover from the laughing attack I had 15 minutes ago when I read this. *deep breath*

    Thanks for the laugh.

  7. I read over your glossary of girls yesterday, and I came up with one you missed. She’s several different types listed, so she doesn’t really fit into one category. She’s the legitimately-out-of-your-league woman. This category is largely but not exclusively made of cougars (yes, this title does apply to certain guys, myself in the past included). The legitimately-out-of-your-league woman, or LOOYLW, is the one Conway Twitty sang about in “Tight Fittin’ Jeans.” She’s the desperate housewife cornering the pool boy. She’s the woman who wants to hang out with/be with you for no reason you can figure out – it’s not like you have something to offer her. And that’s just it: she’s insecure but wants to feel like the one in power, so she cheats on her rich husband with a guy who buses tables, she’s single and in her 30’s but hangs around with college guys, she has all of Daddy’s money and uses it to buy everyone rounds at the dive bar. The trick to her (at least from my perspective) is making sure she knows you don’t need her. This doesn’t have to be in a mean way, just don’t let her own you. Yes, this means don’t let her buy you stuff.

    How far off am I?

  8. Jeff says:

    Oh man. The single best thing about this blog was the LOTR Sam Gamgee reference. Nice work.

  9. Mandie says:

    these are the girls that make the best improv characters. I believe this particular girl made an appearance last night. She was loud and obnoxious and then gave birth to a duck/pizza pocket baby.

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