Father’s Day is Saved

I realized something this week. I have never done a Father’s Day gift post. I KNOW, RIGHT? So I started hopping around the internet looking for interesting, awesome, unconventional things to put together for you. My minions. And you know what I found? This:


A glass moss terrarium.

On 3 different gift lists.

One of those lists was this one:

36 Father’s Day Gift Ideas according to Real Simple Magazine

With the exception of maybe two things, this list is completely useless. It included cutesy sticky notes, paper clips shaped like sardines and stationery. STATIONERY FOR GOD’S SAKE! This is the very first thing on it:


A wireless dolphin mouse.


One list suggested a sponge holder. For your father. FOR FATHER’S DAY! Oy. It made me pretty stabby.

“Dear Real Simple Mag, your Father’s Day Gift suggestions make me sad. A glass moss terrarium? Really?”, I bitched on Twitter. To which my friend Justin responded:

Screen Shot 2013-06-14 at 12.15.34 AM

No, Justin. No. I can do better. We can ALL do better.

I have compiled a list. And let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. Mother’s Day? Simple. Valentine’s Day? Don’t make me laugh. But Father’s Day? I had to go deep. The suggestions out there are so heinous, Nicholas Cage should play them in a movie. But here’s what I found to save the day:


When possible, I have linked to where these things can be found and you can get there by clicking on the pictures because I’m just that helpful.

1. For the tech savvy dad:


The top one is a super cool iPad case, the bottom one is by TwelveSouth.com and you can get one for his computer, iPad or iPhone. Awesome, yet manly. But you still have my permission to not teach him how to text, explain what Twitter is or allow him to be your friend on Facebook.

2. For the napping dad:


Again with the hammock, Sharideth? Yes! Because clearly you people aren’t listening. Hammocks are the happiest of napping places and the most underused. Seriously, if you can’t see how amazing this would be for dad, then buy him the terrarium.

3. For the dad with teeth:

Screen Shot 2013-06-14 at 12.57.54 AMOkay, so hang with me here. This isn’t for everyone. But if your dad is a) the one who complains about people squeezing the tube wrong or b) the one who makes an abomination of the tube, then this is your gift. You will both laugh and laugh then put it immediately to use.

4. For the…um…itchy? dad:

4112L6UcaJL._SY355_This, my friends, is called The Gentleman’s Ball Scratcher. I would recommend this be given from a much beloved son to his father with the well-developed sense of humor…and itchy scrotum.

Note: Also acceptable as a gift from wife to husband. Humor is optional.

5. For the slippery dad:

Screen Shot 2013-06-14 at 1.25.53 AM

A grip pad in the car for his phone? Yes. Yes. It is awesome. Buy it.

6. For the dad who can never find his tools:


You can lead a man to water, but you can’t make him locate his socket wrench.

7. For the dad who can never find the remote:


Oh my. What is this? The worlds largest universal remote? Oh stop. I know I’m a genius.

8. Whatever he needs. Does his yard need work that he can’t do? Do it or have it done for him. Does that old car sitting in his garage need a part that he can’t find? Find it. Did his favorite coffee maker just die? Buy him a new one. You get me?

9. Whatever he wants. Is there a book he’s been wanting to get? A new golf club he’s been drooling over? Tickets to a baseball game regardless of how slit-your-wrists boring it is? You have no idea? Ask your mom.

10. You. Take him out to dinner. Take him to a movie that you know you’ll hate but he will love. Play that ridiculous card game that takes 4 hours to finish. Just be with him. He’s your dad. It’s one day. You can drink later.

See? Told you I’d save the day.

Now I know some of this stuff has to be ordered. Big deal. So it comes late. A phone call to let him know it’s on its way will be just fine. Besides, what kind of monster doesn’t call his dad on Father’s Day?

You are welcome.

Any other suggestions for the giving impaired?