Dear Sharideth, He Wants a Prenup

contract

Dear Sharideth,

What are your thoughts on prenuptials?

My boyfriend and I aren’t engaged yet, but we’re heading in that direction. He has a “I’m not getting married without prenups” policy; he admitted that it’s because almost every marriage he has ever been around crumbled due to infidelity/the wife leaving when things get rough. He is worried we’ll eventually fall into the same pattern. I grew up with parents about to celebrate their 35th anniversary, and heard “prenuptials are preparation for divorce.”

I refuse to jump on the “you don’t trust me and don’t have faith in our future!” crazy train, so I’m looking into it for the first time as an option. But while I’m figuring it out, would you share your thoughts on the matter?

Sincerely,

‘Til Prenups Do Us Apart

Dear TPDUA,

Yeah. I’m not a fan. What you’re talking about is called an infidelity clause and they tend to do more harm than good. Especially when there is no other reason to have a prenup and no historical grounds for requiring such a thing. If you have given him no reason to doubt your commitment, then I do not recommend this. It will only solidify his paranoia and could eventually cause you to resent him and his fears.

I respect you not wanting to jump on the crazy train. I try to keep people off of it as often as possible. But the truth is he doesn’t trust you or your future. And an infidelity clause won’t fix that. It won’t make him less suspicious or more trusting. It will only make him feel like he’s protected financially FROM YOU when/if you cheat on him. That’s the part you need to understand. He believes making you agree to a prenup is protecting himself from you. Don’t kid yourself about that.

And that’s his issue. Not yours.

Sounds to me like you two, him especially, could do with some serious premarital counseling. If I were you, I wouldn’t even agree to marry him until you do. He really needs to get a grip on his fears and mistrust before you can move forward. I know that’s not what you want to hear but the reality is you are going to get tired of his suspicion sooner than later. Marriage doesn’t make issues better. It makes them worse. Marriage is like shining a magnifying glass on problems. They only get bigger. And the prenup won’t help.

This is a great article about infidelity clauses:

Infidelity Clauses: Protecting Marriage with Fear of Financial Fall-Out

I would seriously encourage you to think long and hard about marrying under the shadow of an infidelity prenup. Preuptial agreements have their place but that place is pretty small in the big scheme of things.

Oh so sincerely,

Sharideth

Okay. I know there has to be some thoughts on this out there. What do you think?

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