Romance According to Extra Part Doo

and the ridiculousness continues…

14. 

“Gone with the Wind” (1939)

 “No, I don’t think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That’s what’s wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.”

—Rhett (Clark Gable) to Scarlett (Vivien Leigh)

the only thing criminal about this one, is that it didn’t make top 5.  just wait ’til you see what tops the list (in this case #25), then this becomes a felony for being so far down the list.

15. 

“Slumdog Millionaire” (2008)

 “I thought we would meet only in death.”

—Latika (Freida Pinto) to Jamal (Dev Pate

romantic yes.  but also depressing.  and better than the last one?  not a chance.

16. 

“Bull Durham” (1988)

“Well, I believe in the soul, the c**k, the p*ssy, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.”

—Crash (Kevin Costner) to Annie (Susan Sarandon)

any man who believes those last 11 words save this from being one of the least romantic lines of all time is beyond my help.

17. 

“The Princess Bride” (1987)

 “As you wish.”

—Westley (Cary Elwes) to Buttercup (Robin Wright)

now we’re getting somewhere…

18. 

“Annie Hall” (1977)

“Love is too weak a word for what I feel — I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F’s, yes I have to invent, of course I do, don’t you think I do?”

—Alvy (Woody Allen) to Annie (Diane Keaton)

woody allen is the only person who could deliver this line properly.  that said, short of maybe Pauly Shore, he’s the least romantic man on the planet.

19. 

“When Harry Met Sally” (1989)

“I love that you get cold when it’s 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

—Harry (Billy Crystal) to Sally (Meg Ryan)

i don’t mind this one being in the top 10.  it might make my list, too.  what i do mind is it beating Gone With the Wind and Princess Bride.

20. 

“Sleepless in Seattle” (1993)

“It was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together … and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home. .. only to no home I’d ever known … I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like … magic.”

—Sam (Tom Hanks)

this would also make my list.

21. 

“Pride & Prejudice” (2005)

 “…If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love … I love … I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.”

—Darcy (Matthew MacFadyen) to Elizabeth (Keira Knightley)

and this one can stay.

22. 

“Casablanca” (1942)

“Here’s looking at you, kid.”

—Rick (Humphrey Bogart) to Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman)

of course this would make my list.  and i would fully support Extra if i didn’t know 2 of the 3 that beat it out…

23. 

“Love Story” (1970)

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

—Jennifer (Ali MacGraw) to Oliver (Ryan O’Neal)

i hate this quote more than earwigs.  and i really hate earwigs.

24. 

“Jerry Maguire” (1996)

“You had me at hello.”

—Dorothy (Renée Zellweger) to Jerry (Tom Cruise)

this would be on my list, too.  but wait for it…

25. 

“Brokeback Mountain” (2005)

“I wish I knew how to quit you!”

—Jack (Jake Gyllenhaal) to Ennis (Heath Ledger)

really?  number 1?  or 25.  whatever.  really?  any credibility Extra might have accumulated with this last half of the list, blown like Diehard.

your top 5.  let’s hear ’em.

disagree with me?  let’s hear that too.

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species

did you ever see that truly terrible movie that managed to spawn 3 sequels due to what i can only assume is men’s fascination with a giant blond alien hybrid trying to mate with them?  no?  well somebody’s lying because Species wouldn’t have become the 4 movie franchise it is if nobody saw it.

i saw it.

on cable.

like 12 years later.

but i saw it.

our most recent addition to the Glossary of Girls is that girl.  totally hot uber babe on the outside, raging homicidal alien on the inside.

i shall call her Species: the hybrid of horrible.

take all the bad things about every girl i’ve listed so far, mix them up in a batter of emotional decay and bake it up into cake that is greater than the sum of its parts.  slap on some fondant and icing roses and boom!  beautiful murderess.

there is nothing redeeming about her besides her looks.  she’s selfish, she’s hostile, she’s vapid, she’s arrogant, she’s a gold-digger, she’s dissatisfied, she thinks the world owes her for being so awesome, she parks in handi-capped spaces, she feels powerful by making others feel small, she has tentacles that grow out of her back.  okay, the handi-capped parking might be a bit far…

she’s a murderer of self-esteem.  you know how the Dementors in Harry Potter suck the life out of those they can catch?  yeah, she’s like that.

am i dropping movie references like pterodactyl poo?  hecks yeah!

there is good news though.

this girl, in her purest form, is rare.  someone this absolutely self-absorbed is unusual and generally can only be found on reality TV shows that begin with Real House Wives of… or masquerading as waitresses actresses/models in LA.

the bad news?

she’s out there, in mass, to varying degrees.  she might be funny, she might be intelligent, she might be charming, but just below the attractive surface is a viciousness that rivals polar bears (aka the only mammal that will hunt a man).

watch for:

• condescension – towards others at first.  she’ll come after you eventually.
• values her purse more than people – people are expendable but Louis Vuitton is forever.  just ask her.
• quick to anger, quick to speak – someone getting to a parking spot (handi-capped or otherwise) before she does could result in a volcanic meltdown.
• nothing is ever her fault – e.v.e.r.  the rest of humanity is busted and she is always a victim of everyone else’s stupidity.
• it is her right to inconvenience everyone – but god help the poor soul that makes her wait for anything.
• she’ll offend you and you’ll somehow find yourself apologizing for it.

my recommendation for dealing with her?

RUN, FORREST! RUN!.

ever experienced a girl like this?

what’s the most selfish thing you’ve ever seen from a person (male or female)?

how was your Easter?  Passover?

txt msgs r 4 cowards

asking a girl out is terrifying.  i get that.  but it’s not fatal.  no, seriously.  i promise.  with all the technology available to day, there’s about a zillion ways to make your move.  but, in my book, there are still only two ways that don’t make you look like a jerk or a coward.

1.  call her

2.  ask her in person

boom.  period.

don’t send her a text message, post a note on her facebook wall, or tweet her.

make freaking contact.  it says something about you when you can speak.  use your words and your inside voice.  deep breaths and a lozenge.  whatever.

she’s going to respect the gesture and frankly, (girls, correct if i’m wrong) you’re more likely to get a yes.  you manned up, she’ll take the free meal.  done.

question for girls:

what is the worst way some guy asked you out?

question for guys:

what’s your best success story when it comes to asking a girl out?

the keeper

lord, i want those boots. amen.

let’s start this year off on a happy note, shall we?  a hopeful little blog, a big announcement teaser (coming at some point this week) and a cup of coffee.  or green tea, whatever.

i’ve given girls a hard time here at AWGTW, but the truth is, i like them.  mostly.  i am one.  i gave birth to one.  i have one for a mom.  some of my best friends are girls.

girls are neat.

but there’s one that shines brighter than most.  a girl that has become the gold standard for the rest of us.

the keeper.

the reason she’s the keeper is because her value is high and her issues are few.  she’s not perfect, but she might be perfect for the guy lucky enough to land her.  she may have hints of other types of girls in her DNA, but her overriding awesomeness keeps them in check.

here’s some ways to know you’ve found her:

1.  she doesn’t need you – if you somehow get lucky enough to be given priority on her time, it won’t be because she’s desperate.  it will be because her life was already fine without you, but she’s decided that it’s better with you in it.  she has her own friends and will continue to spend with them and without you.  that’s fine.  that’s healthy.  deal with it.

2.  your friends & family dig her – if you start hearing things like, “can i have her when she dumps you?” or “if you blow this, we’ll keep her and disown you.”, you’ve probably got a keeper.  unless your friends are schmucks or your family is a cesspool of dysfunction, they are going to be your best objective litmus test.  if they start telling you you have somehow managed to catch the eye of girl who is way out of your league, it’s time to listen up.

3.  she knows who she is – she doesn’t need anyone to tell her who she is, she already knows.  she likes herself.  she’s comfortable with the path she’s chosen.  she’s going to give you a pass if you try to change her to suit you.  her value, as she sees it, isn’t defined by anyone other than herself.  good for her.

4.  she won’t always agree with you – gasp!  say it isn’t so!  she has her own opinions and thoughts and isn’t afraid to say so?  weird.  the thing is though, she’s no bully.  she doesn’t want to fight with you, she wants to talk.  to dialogue.  to challenge.  this. is. a. good. thing.  ever heard the phrase “iron sharpens iron”?  she’ll make you a mental lethal weapon.  okay, Mensa probably won’t be calling, but you get my meaning.

5.  she’s strong – this is a girl who, if you dropped dead, would survive.  your world could explode and she’d find a way to fix it, encourage you or do whatever it takes to move forward and make it better.  she’s a fighter, but only when it helps.  she fights for what matters.  thank your lucky charms that she thinks you matter.

6.  she’s soft – this will be more evident in some girls than others.  it can range from total bleeding heart who’s out there organizing coat drives for the homeless, to the matter of fact, almost gruff, “i didn’t ask you if you needed food, i said dinner’s ready and i made too much.  get over here and help me eat it.”

take all of these with a grain of kosher salt.  they will appear in varying degrees and manifestations.

i realize that i’ve made her sounds like the unicorn of womanhood.  but that’s not the case.  she’s out there.  everywhere.  she’s just not throwing herself at you.  she’s getting to know you.  she’s hanging out.  she waiting for you to see her.

how will you know when you’ve found her?  you’ll be waiting to see what she says next.

the runner

oh man.  this is gonna be good.  at least i’m pretty sure.  this girl is a piece of work.  whether she works for good or for evil is yet to be determined.  either way, she’s never boring.

the runner is created the same way tornadoes come together.  two conflicting fronts collide to form a force of nature that is totally epic.  with tornadoes the meso tornadic* storm develops when hot and cold butt heads like big horn rams.  the runner is made when strength and fear slam into each other.  the strength is hers, the fear is something that gets inflicted upon her by a guy, or more often guys, that broke her trust.  and oh boy, did they do a good job of it.

burn units haven’t seen scars like this.

the one thing that defines a runner is the light speed sprint she does from anything that looks like intimacy.  get too close, she’s going to pull a vanishing act.  you will be left with you head spinning and trying to clear your eyes from the dust she kicks up on her way out.

but…it just might be worth it to go after her.

it is highly likely this girl has a heart as big as her brain.  she’s caring and smart and will never cease to challenge you at every turn.  what gets in her way is that her heart has been stomped on and her brain causes her to over-think e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

then there’s the fear.  she’s been so ravaged by other relationships that she is terrified of ever letting anyone that close to her again.  which seems obvious to you and me.  she, on the other hand, doesn’t see it that way.  she chooses to believe she is just being smart.  she has rationalized her fear to the point of it not even resembling fear anymore.  at least not to her.

remember that ridiculously optimistic and forgetful blue fish that sounded suspiciously like ellen degeneres?  you could learn a thing or two from her about how to get under the skin of a runner.  more specifically from the dynamic between dory and marlin.  marlin is the runner; he tries to shake dory every chance he gets.  dory is the one who refuses to be shaken.  relationship advice from Finding Nemo?  really, sharideth?

yes.  really.

1.  “Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you’ve gotta do?” – keep it light.  that’s what you’ve got to do.  the moment you get serious and want to “talk”, she’ll bolt for the door.  your job is to look for “talkable moments”.  she’ll allow them every now again.  but again, KEEP IT LIGHT.  back off when she tenses, make a joke when she scowls.  patience, grasshoppa.  when she breaks a date, say, “cool.  but you should be here for dinner on friday, i’m having movie night.”  even if you don’t have movie night, make one up.  get her back in her comfort zone with a group thing.  give her some line and reel her in.  give her some line and reel. her. in.

2.  “Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming”- dory’s advice to just keep swimming could be the most important key to not only surviving a runner but to also winning her over.  perseverance, my friend, perseverance.  her greatest fear is a guy with no staying power.  you’re going to have to have it and prove it to her.  in spades.

3.  “Ha ha ha ha ho!  I love to swim!” – running just a hair’s breadth** behind perseverance is the attitude you have while you battle the current.  dory is always happy.  pathologically happy.  nothing gets her down.  the runner will make you mad, she’ll frustrate and confuse you, she may even hurt you (though it will very likely hurt her more than it hurts you to do that).  marlin pulled all of it on dory.  your response to this is critical.  smile, laugh, poke fun at her when she rages.  sound crazy?  it is.  that’s why it works.  the runner is use to getting certain responses.  throwing her off by not giving them to her will make her just confused enough to hang around.

4.  “I suffer from short term memory loss…see, it runs in my family.  At least I think it does.” take the whole forgive and forget thing to an extreme.  don’t hold on to and catalog all the things the runner does to try and get you to leave her.  she doesn’t mean any of it.  there is no intent to harm you, only to protect herself.  when she finally gets frustrated enough to look at you and say, “why are you still here?!?!”  what she’ll really be asking is “why haven’t i run you off yet?!?!”  feign blissful ignorance and you’ll have her.

there are ways to get around the barriers, but the runner is not for the faint of heart.  she will throw reason after reason for you to give up on her like a ninja throws stars.  holding up against her testing your staying power will be like taking the bar exam without all the schooling.  you’ve got to be as strong and as smart as she is.  you’ve got to be honorable enough to own a white horse and suit of armor.  and above all else, you’ve got to be brave enough for the both of you.

chances are, she’s totally worth it.

*i lived in Tornado Alley; i’m a better meteorologist than most people on TV.

**terrible cliche that i would have made worse if it weren’t for Matt Gates.

the cling-on

have you ever held a new kitten and it’s kind of scared and clings to you with those hypodermic-type claws?  it’s snuggly and warm and adorable.  for a while.  then it gets old and potentially painful when you try to detach it from your person.  it becomes a tiny furry buzz-saw that shreds whatever flesh is in reach.

the cling-on is like that.

here’s how to identify her:

1.  abject devotion:  she will have eyes only for you.  which is great, except that with her, the intensity will make you slightly uncomfortable.  you being an egocentric dude, will blow off the feelings of awkward and just figure you’re not use to being worshipped and convince yourself you dig it.  idiot.

2.  diminishing friend count:  at first, it will be her friends that start to drop like flies.  what you don’t know is that it won’t be their fault.  she will begin to cut them out to make more room for you.  this will continue until all her time is for you and you alone.  and oh yeah, you will be expected to do the same.  however, you won’t have to work so hard to ditch your friends, they’ll already be over having to hang with your succubus at every turn and remove themselves.

3.  panic attacks:  the idea of doing anything without you will cause her to emotionally disintegrate.  this girl is so needy, she won’t be able to handle the thought of being without you, let alone actually do it.  the moment you say no or start to reinstate some boundaries, the hysterics will start.

4.  blowing up your cell phone:  it’ll start with calling you the millisecond your lunch break starts.  she’ll “just want to hear your voice”.  this will quickly escalate to constantly calling when you’re out with your friends or if you don’t call her before you said you were going to.  and oh lord, the texts in between…hope you have unlimited minutes and texting.

now, although this sounds horrific, there is hope for this girl.  you see, the cling-on is just a more dramatic version of miss insecurity.

you’re going to have to teach her how trust you and be more confident in herself.  i can give you some direction about how to help her get better but ultimately, i’ve said it before, if she doesn’t want to change, she’s not going to.

1.  don’t let her dump her friends:  make sure she makes time for them.  insist on it.  use whatever arguments are at your disposal.  most likely, the most effective weapon in your arsenal is going to be reminding her that she’s hurting their feelings and not being fair to her friends.  if she’s decent, this will hit home.  it is crucial that you also have something you’re committed to do at the same time so she doesn’t have to worry about where you are or stew on you being alone.  the idea of you being contentedly alone will freak her right out.

2.  do not answer every text or phone call:  if she calls or texts when you are involved in something else, send her a single text that lets her know you can’t talk right now and you will call as soon as you can.  then do not respond again.  turn your phone off if you have to.  responding to every call or text will only solidify her behavior.

3.  call when you say you will:  this will build security and confidence in her.  if you can call earlier, great, she’ll love that.  but under no circumstances should you answer your phone before the time you say you will be available.  this will complete confuse the issue and cause her doubt about your actions or activities.

4.  maintain your guy time:  you shouldn’t have to abandon your life to feed her unreasonable need.  i know that sounds harsh, but it’s true.  what is reasonable is for you to schedule time with your friends.  this is a departure from the impromptu “dude, get here now!” you’re use to, but it will help her if she knows what to expect.  she needs the boundaries of a schedule to feel secure.  that’s all right.  you can do that.  just make sure at least part of the schedule is your own.  do not let her make all the plans.

5.  be direct:  it is okay to tell her she’s being unreasonable.  terrifying?  yes.  but necessary.  you must make it clear that you both need room to be who you are so you can be better together.  let her know that by being so desperate to know every detail of your life and control it, she’s not respecting you or giving you the trust you deserve.  warning:  do this with kid gloves.  be kind and never raise your voice.  reason will win or at least be more effective.

the cling-on is work, like some of the others.  but she could be totally worth it.  if you can find a way to help her become more confident, then you’re golden.  you have helped both of you.  if her insecurity just leads her to anger or to try to guilt trip you when you confront her, you might be fighting a losing battle.

just keep in mind that the way she is really doesn’t have anything to do with you personally.  but you just might be the guy that makes a keeper out of her.

she peaked in high school

warning:  fluff piece ahead.

i don’t mean the blog.  i mean the girl.

today’s selection from the glossary of girls is “she peaked in high school”.

her glory days are behind her but, doggonit, she’s still trying.  bless her heart.  she’s probably not going to ever be a whole lot more than what she already is, but frankly, with this girl, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

here’s how to pick her out of the crowd:

1.  she’ll be leading the crowd in a cheer.  that’s the most obvious one.  she’ll be rallying people to a cause, throwing parties with name tags and matching napkins and always seem to be on the verge of sprouting pom poms from her sleeves like a magician.

2.  her perky knob goes to 11.  she’s happy before coffee in the morning.  it’s kind of sick.  when a heinous act of god destroys her city, she’s upbeat and has mad skills when it comes to making flood relief posters.

3.  she’s probably not the smartest girl you’ve ever met.  that’s not to say she’s the dumbest either.  she’s probably got a few IQ points on phoebe from friends and looks like stephen hawking next to (insert favorite jersey shore cast member here).

4.  she’s loyal.  relationship matters to her and she’s probably got an encyclopedic memory of small details about each of her friends.  you’d have to really be a schmuck to get her to dump you from her life.

5.  she’s a bit too concerned with appearance.  if anything can ruin her day, it’s not being able to fit into the same size jeans she wore in high school.  this is disastrous.  she’ll be in full makeup, hair done and clothes stylish to take out the trash.

6.  she chairs as many committees as will have her.  chairing committees is like leading pep rallies.  all. the. time.  she’s a natural motivator and getting to motivate others is like her Red Bull.

7.  she wants a title like mrs. dr. awesome or mrs. professional athlete.  but don’t mistake that with being a gold digger.  she’s not.  she wants someone to continue cheering for.  it’s like the ultimate crown in her custom glass case.

there is a dark side to the girl who peaked in high school.  if she resents the loss of what she considers her prime, she becomes kate goslin.  *shudder*  she also might end up as a professional cheerleader.  she just can’t let it go.

now hold on!  before i start getting hate mail from professional cheerleaders, let me qualify that statement by saying that many of them are well rounded individuals.  no pun intended.

on the flip side, hate mail from kate goslin would be totally awesome.

she may not be the brightest bulb on the christmas tree, but the girl who peaked in high school is more like those long-life, eco-friendly, curly ones.  she shines bright enough, is dependable, doesn’t suck all your energy and is in it for life.

itsneverenough girl

one of my husband’s closest friends, we’ll call him theo,  lives in the southwest.  he would come up to portland, oregon, where we’re originally from, to work with craig (my hubs) frequently.  theo loves the northwest.  thinks it’s super keen.  he’d been wanting to bring his wife up to meet us and show her around for years, but the stars just never seemed to align correctly.  finally, he got to bring her to portland to hang out for a long weekend.

we were stoked!  theo is one of out favorite people in the universe and we were fully ready to extend the warm fuzzies to his wife.

then we met her.

now, i don’t know if you’ve ever been to the northwest in the summer, but it’s easily one of the most visually stunning places on earth.  and the day we met (we’ll call her) “maleficent” was a particularly beautiful day.  we made our introductions, hugs all around and she’s got a sour smile on her face.  you know what a sour smile is right?  it’s that “i’m smiling to be polite but really you people are insignificant and i rather be eating your children” look.  girls like this think people don’t notice that nasty thoughts are going through their head.  but we do.  even if they did know people could see it, they wouldn’t care.

anyhoo, we sit down at a cafe and i say, “so maleficent, what do think of portland?”  she looks at me as though i just asked her about how she feels about rattlesnakes and says and i quote, “what’s with all the f$%*ing trees?”

it was pretty much more of the same for the rest of the visit.

come to find out, theo had been living with stuff like this and worse for more than a decade.  he provided a house, bills were paid, kids were fed and into every sport imaginable, he loved her (or at least really tried to), was a great father and she made sure he thoroughly understood he would never be good enough.  he had to travel for work and when he’d leave, she’d say things like, “i don’t really care if you come home.”  he’d change jobs to please her and she’d find reasons to hate the new one.

did i mention that she never had to work while they were married?  yeah…

she’s the high witch of the itsneverenough girls coven.

girls like this should come with a warning label.  “i’m cute but i will slowly kill your soul one day at a time”.

when it comes to neverenough girls, you could be superman with a wall full of doctorates, a pantry full of brownie points and 7 swiss bank accounts and she would still find fault.  she will raise the bar every time.

and boy can she rage.  it’s like her super power.  hell hath no fury like a woman who is never satisfied.

she will also use sex as a weapon.  to her it is a reward and punishment tool.  because, ultimately, it’s about power for this girl.

for whatever psychological malfunction may have caused it, she feels like she needs to be in control.  of everything.  all the time.  the abuse she deals out has very little to do with the man who’s unfortunate enough to have to deal with it.  it’s about her.  she’s not happy with herself so she gets some sort of tangible but short-lived emotional stroke from belittling everyone else.  that’s why it will never be enough.  if “enough” was achieved, she’d have to look at herself.  god knows we can’t have that.

if you are in a relationship with a girl like this and she hasn’t already killed all traces of affection you once had for her, there’s some things you need to do.

1. remind yourself daily that her issues are not your issues. think stuart smalley.  “i’m good enough, i’m smart enough and doggone it! people like me!”  in order to deal with her, you have to deal with you.  you cannot do battle when you’re broken.  so take time to inhale some self-confidence and recover your identity.

2.  tell her you are done allowing her to make you feel like her subject instead of her partner. you have to take a stand.  but make sure you’ve braced yourself.  she is not going to like it.  you’ll need to remind her why you love her and why you are okay with who you are.  be specific, calm and clear about things she’s done and said that are not acceptable in an equal partnership.  and, this is key, listen up, do not apologize when she bursts into tears or flies into a rage.  that’s exactly what she wants.  if you apologize, then you are right back where you started with her boot on your neck.  instead, tell her you know this is hard and that it hurts, for both of you, but that you need to put these things out there in order to deal with them.

3.  talk to her about counseling. terrifying.  i know.  but this girl has issues you cannot fix alone.  it’s even possible that she may need medication.  that sounds like i’m joking.  i’m not.  a friend of mine once said to her husband when he told her he wasn’t going back to school for his masters, “so you’re okay with being mediocre?”  for real.  that actually happened.  at the time he was the head of IT for washington state university.  she went to a doctor who put her on these fabulous happy pills and miraculously, they’re still married.  happily.  she even apologized to him for the years of awful.

if i’m being honest, i actually feel sorry for this girl.  if she doesn’t get some help and stop being so angry, she’s going to end up pucker faced and alone.  as a guy, you have to decide how far you’re willing to go.  that is going to depend a lot on how willing she is to change.

oh and theo?  he’s now married to one of nicest girls i’ve ever met.  we’ll call her aurora.  total keeper.

references:

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Broken Record: Enjoying the Music of Relationship Through the Hisses, Pops and Scratches by John Voelz

miss insecurity

i decided to start with miss insecurity from the glossary of girls because you are probably going to run into her more often than any of the others.  her lack of self-confidence can range from mild embarrassment when given a compliment to laying out a well rehearsed laundry list of why the nice thing you said about her simply isn’t true.  she comes in several shades of flushed.

when i was in college, there was a girl.  we’ll call her andrea.  andrea was 5’9, blonde hair, blue eyes, straight As, funny, caring, volleyball star and so heart stoppingly beautiful she brought just about every guy on campus to his knees.  most of which would go ahead and propose marriage while they were down there.

andrea thought they were all joking because who would be into her?

it didn’t really matter anyway.  she was already engaged.  at 18 years old.

i’ll keep this simple.  when she was a junior in high school, her boyfriend was a senior.  he knew he had a good thing, so he proposed before he left for college.  she said yes.  because she loved him?  sure.  or at least she was pretty sure.  but it was more because she believed that nobody else would ever ask.  yeah, read that again.

her self-worth was so nonexistent that she couldn’t imagine anyone being attracted to her.  i could go into how her father made extra special sure that she understood how she was never going to be good enough at anything ever, but that would just send me into an incoherent rant so i’ll leave it be.

long story short, she married the high school boyfriend and became a keeper.  he really does love and value her.  she has a handful of kids and is happy and well cared for.  she’s even become feisty.  she is also still breathtaking.  hasn’t aged a day.  i wish she’d get on with it.  it makes me look bad.

for her it worked out because she found someone early who understood her quality even if she didn’t.  you are going to run into girls like this fairly often.

here’s what you do when you find one you fancy:

1. teach her to say “thank you” – seems simple, right?  wrong.  she’ll hate it.  at first.  do not allow her to duck her head and mumble or qualify it.  a direct, look-you-in-eye, thank you.  after a while, she’ll find she likes the feeling of being complimented.  this will translate into other areas of her life.
2. do not let her put herself down – stop her as soon as she starts.  just don’t allow it.  don’t be afraid to use a bit of force either.  it could be good for her to know that devaluing herself upsets you.  eventually she’ll look back on that and smile.
3. help her understand that “no” is not a dirty word – girls who have self-esteem issues can’t say no to anyone for fear of disapproval.  it’s exhausting for them.  beware though.  you have to be strong enough to back her up and be there when she’s crushed by the hateful reaction she gets from those who are use to taking advantage of her.  if you are serious about this girl, you may even have to shield her from her own family until she’s strong enough to do it on her own.
4. remind her that she is stronger than she feels – the need to remind her will start to become fewer and farther between.  but for now, knowing that you believe in her will be what she needs to lean on.

well, that got serious…

if it sounds like i might know a thing or two about this girl, it’s because i was this girl.  my husband pulled all those tricks on me.  seems he was a little too effective because now i have enough confidence to write a blog about it and when someone pays me a compliment, i’m more likely to say, “i know, right?!”

moral of the story?  miss insecurity is work.  so you just have to ask yourself, “is she worth it?”  the answer is probably yes.  her loyalty will go from something given out of fear, to a gift she chooses to offer you.  boom.  win.