Phone it in Phriday

1425funny-pictures-animemanga-auto-442319

1428kim_jong_il_funny_demotivational_poster_dating

923445_10151584714839432_1904150358_n

funny-pop-up-Internet-dating

Funny-Rule-nr-1-of-dating

u1EG441062

missed-connections4

best-break-up-letter-ever_thumb[1]

jessica_1

online-dating-funny-029

awkward-410x332

You’re welcome.

I know I’ve posted that giraffe one before, but it’s still amazing.

I feel like barbequing this weekend. What’s your favorite thing to toss on a grill? Go ahead and look again at that couples photo while you think about food.

Advertisement

The “5 Things Women Want Most in a Man” According to Fox News

stewart_puts_his_fox_news_comments_in_context

So I had another post planned that was going to be a heavy topic delivered with my absolute disregard for propriety. Obvi. But I couldn’t write it. Didn’t have it in me today. So I searched the internet for the ridiculous things other people say about relationships and found this at Fox News:

5 Things Women Want Most in a Man

My first thought, “Oh man. This is going to be the motherload of fools gold!”

Surprisingly, disappointingly, I was wrong. It’s some good stuff. Probably because it wasn’t written by anyone at Fox News. Go ahead and give it a read. It’s short. I’ll wait.

*Jeopardy Theme Music with segue into Richard Marx’s Right Here Waiting for You*

You’re back? Awesome. Here’s my take on all five of those things women want most:

1. Time – Yes. It doesn’t even have to be super quality time as long as she gets some every day. Right now, Craig and I are both sharing the same space. I’m writing this. He’s watching Counting Cars on the History Channel. But that doesn’t mean we’re disengaged from each other. If I have something to say to him, he pauses his show and is there for me. If he has something to say to me, I pull out my noise cancelling headphones and nod enthusiastically about the way a carburetor was installed.

Don’t try to make it into a super intense soul-bonding experience everyday. That would get exhausting. It just has to be a little time that belongs to only the two of you to reinforce the contentment you have found in each other.

2. Appreciation – Guys, you have no idea how far a little, “thanks for the clean socks” will go. She’ll float on that all freaking day. She doesn’t need a pride parade for everything she does, but letting her know you notice her effort will feel, to her, like you’ve just spelled out her name in sparklers.

3. Understanding – Okay, okay. Calm down. Breathe into a bad or something. I know this is a hard one and pretty much why my blog exists. BUT…you don’t have to understand all the nuances that make up the mystery of your woman. You just have to actively try. What I really liked about the article is the author admonishes women to keep the need to communicate their thoughts short and to the point. Ladies, it doesn’t matter how much your man wants to understand what you’re saying, after 15-20 minutes, you’re probably going to lose him. Not because he doesn’t love you, but because he’s exhausted and needs a break.

4. Fun – God forbid you should enjoy each other, right? And I’m not even talking about in the biblical sense. Though that is super fun. Fun can be cracking a joke, twirling her around unexpectedly, dancing like a Peanuts kid in the middle of the kitchen, taking her for drive to nowhere in a 68′ Fury (huh, those last two sound weirdly specific)…anything that makes her giggle like an idiot.

5. Kind Gestures – I can not emphasize enough how important this is. A kiss on the cheek while she’s making dinner, a touch across the shoulders as you walk away, a phone call for no reason what-so-ever, a text with a completely useless emoticon…anything that communicates your connection to her. The article suggests doing five gestures a day for a week and see what kind of difference it makes in the relationship. I bet it’s profound.

I know a lot of you are single and still looking for the person you can spend the rest of your life trying not to drive bat shit. And this post might seem at best irrelevant because you can’t apply it and at worst frustrating because you can’t apply it. Fine. I get it. But these are things you will want to keep in your secret fanny pack for future reference. Cross my heart and hope to die as Lindsay Lohan’s new lips.

What qualifies as a “kind gesture” in your book?

Dear Sharideth: My parents lied to me. Sort of.

Zim-love-at-first-sight-invader-zim-10243154-800-600

This is a Dear Sharideth that comes via a conversation I had with a friend. His whole life his parents told him their relationship was love at first sight. He’s spent the last 20+ years looking for that girl who would be the ying to his wang. He would just know. Ya know? That’s how it works, right? For his parents told him so.

Turns out, while talking to his mom a couple of weeks ago, it wasn’t love at first sight. It was a big ol’ case of She’s Just Not That Into You. She fell for his dad way later.

Wha?????

He was completely spun. This revelation took his romantic world view, skinned it alive, poured kerosene on it, set it aflame and threw it in front of a Greyhound. He was still getting his head around it when we talked. And lest you think this is some sheltered guy who walks around saying “ah shucks” a lot. I assure you, he is not. He is attractive, intelligent, street smart, driven…Truth is, he’s kind of a prize, ladies.

And he got duped. Big time.

I’m not going to argue the validity of love at first sight for two reasons:

  1. I already did that here: Love at First Sight. Real or Not Real (I wasn’t using capital letters when I wrote it and there are two spaces between my sentences, so sue me. Everybody changes. I’ll let you know as soon as my knuckles stop dragging.)
  2. That’s not what the conversation ended up being about.

As we talked, the conversation became less “love at first sight” and more “what else don’t I know”. I poured out wisdom on him that changed his life forever. He is now perfect and knows everything.

or

I said, “Beats me.”

Hint: It’s probably the second one.

What I was able to tell him and now you, is this:

Don’t tie yourself down to one idea or one “right way” to find that someone to love forever and ever and ever. Keep your vision panoramic. Be open to getting struck by lightening, but also be ready for the slow burn, the one who sneaks up on you when you thought she was just a friend.

Screw the formula. Ever eaten a truly spectacular something that was a created as a happy accident? You may never get it the same way again, but dang! it worked out great to take the chance on it.

Be in your world with your head up and your eyes open. Engage life and see what happens. Everything can be an opportunity. Clichés are neat!

But seriously…

Ever find out something you believed to be gospel about relationships wasn’t true? How did that change the way you see things now?

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Twitter Twaddle: #WeCantBeInARelationshipIf

Click the creepy bird to follow me on Twitter if you feel like getting your bad decision for the day over with.

Click the creepy bird to follow me on Twitter if you feel like getting your bad decision for the day over with.

Once again Twitter drops some serious knowledge on us that will clearly make us richer, wiser and more attractive. Or whatever the opposite of those are.

#WeCantBeInARelationshipIf you don’t watch Friends! – Thanks for your input, 1997.

#WeCantBeInARelationshipIf you’re going to complain about my obsession over The Walking Dead. – Fair enough. I don’t find this unreasonable at all.

#WeCantBeInARelationshipIf U dont luv my mustaech – I don’t think your “mustaech” is the problem.

#WeCantBeInARelationshipIf you don’t like Taylor Swift. – *See below*

#WeCantBeInARelationshipIf You are Taylor Swift. – Bingo.

#WeCantBeInARelationshipIf you don’t give me the attention that I need. Then you don’t want to date this guy: #WeCantBeInARelationshipIf you get mad when I put hockey before you.

#WeCantBeInARelationshipIf you don’t understand nothing says “I’m sorry” like Chanel – Yeah! Who needs sincerity when you can spend your mortgage money on a purse!

#WeCantBeInARelationshipIf We’re cousins. – @bluthquotes

#WeCantBeInARelationshipIf u got liek a 2 inch dik – I can only hope the girl who wrote this is really super attractive because personality and education are out.

#WeCantBeInARelationshipIf… we just can’t. My parents are Asian. – Wins the internet.

Okay. Your turn. We can’t be in a relationship if….

Planning a wedding before there’s even a groom?

WS-6082

Almost every little girl begins dreaming about her wedding on the day she see’s her first bride. I say “almost” because there’s a certain few for whom the whole thing is completely off their radar. I fall in that category. I didn’t start planning my wedding until my mom said, “We really need to plan something” and was all panicky and crap. I would have happily eloped if it wouldn’t have killed my parents.

But there’s a trend? that has come to my attention. Planning the wedding before there’s even a groom. I’m not talking about the wishing, imagining, dreaming with your girlfriends kind of planning. I’m talking meeting with florists, dress fittings kind of planning.

I know, right!?!

I saw an episode of Say Yes to the Dress where the bride hadn’t even been proposed to yet but there she was, gown shopping. Guys, would this not freak you right out? Seriously, I’d like to know your reaction if you found out a girl you were dating was already making serious wedding plans.

Then there was this article in the New York Times:

Married to the Plan. Still Looking for a Possible Groom.

If I were a guy, I’d be terrified. But maybe that’s just me. Since I was never into the whole wedding thing, maybe I just don’t get it. I asked Craig about it and before I even finished explaining he was shuddering and said, “No. That would freak me out. Is that what you call a doomsday prepper?”

It’s what I call jumping the shotgun.

Am I overreacting?

Guys, what would you feel like if you found out the girl you’re into already owned her wedding dress?

Ladies, would you do this? Can you explain why this might be happening?

Dear Sharideth: What did I miss?

escape-the-friend-zone

Today’s question comes via a comment on my Why She Puts You in the Friend Zone post. Have a read….

I met this girl and we hit it off immediately. We hung out all the time and we bonded very easily, sharing a lot of the same humor, interests, etc. I asked her out after about 2 weeks but she said she wasn’t ready. Turns out she had just gotten out of a 1 1/2 year relationship with a guy that she almost married. Regardless of this rejection, we still hung out almost every day/talked every day. Looking back on it, it seems obvious that I was friendzoned then, but she told me “I like to be friends with guys before I consider seriously dating them”. This spoke to me as “keep going, you’re on the right path”.  I would remind her from time to time that I was still interested but was told no. Finally, two days ago I was officially friendzoned for good (maybe? Probably lolol) but her reasoning was just that “her heart wasn’t in it”. Sounds like a #3 situation, but she told me that in the beginning she was initially attracted to me as a love interest. I just don’t know where I went wrong. I wasn’t passive about what I wanted, and let her know my intentions early and often. Am I just THAT unlucky? Or y’all think there is something I missed? – Levi

Dear Levi,

Great name. Very biblical and full of denim durability. So yeah, you got friendzoned harder than Grape Nuts. My instinct is that you are correct about being in the “she’s just not that into you” category. Girls don’t friendzone guys they’re into. They just don’t.

As far as I can tell, you did do everything right. Reminding her you were still interested was good work. My only question is, did you date other girls while you were waiting on her or not? Because you should have. Waiting on someone who has told she’s not “ready” is a self-inflicted purgatory. Why? Because when a girl says she’s not ready to date after a long relationship, most of the time, that’s a lie.

A Biggest Loser sized one.

She probably doesn’t even know she’s lying, but she is. I’ve rarely met a girl who makes this claim and won’t immediately go on a date with someone she’s really attracted to. I’m not saying she won’t still be hung up on the ex, God knows that’s entirely possible, but there’s nothing like being asked out by someone she finds super cute to soothe the savage ego. It could be your girl may have been truly wrecked after her relationship and no one looked good to her. It happens. But if she were into you, she would have eventually come around.

Sucks. I know.

Moral of the story, declare yourself but don’t wait around after she says no. Feel free to keep the idea of her on the back burner, but a man’s gotta eat and that means actually cooking. That’s front burner stuff. Otherwise your most intimate relationships are going to be with Netflix and your PS3.

Oh so sincerely,

Sharideth

*terrible analogy brought to you by the number 2 and the fact that I’m hungry*

What else would you guys tell our friend?

So You Got Stood Up

stood_up

Recently a friend of mine got stood up. She shall remain nameless because it’s her absolute favorite thing to be referenced on the internet without being given any credit what-so-ever.

If you didn’t catch the sarcasm there, I can’t help you.

Anyhoo, it was suppose to be her second date with this guy and they had spoken earlier in the day to confirm. The conversation seemed good. Enthusiastic even.

Fast forward a few hours…

The time she was suppose to hear from him comes and goes. She eventually texts him and he responds with “almost done” or some such nonsense. She doesn’t hear from him again until almost 3 hours after date time and he texted with an excuse wreaking of douchebaggery.

Guys, this is not how it’s done. And I hope you, my readers, would know better than this and you probably do, but just in case, here’s a thought or two.

1. If you make plans with a girl, keep them or straight up cancel. It’s called being a man. It is impossible for me to care less about your reasons for not wanting to go through with it. Seriously. Don’t care.

Oh and keep excuses to cancel down to finding out she already has a boyfriend or that she’s a serial murder suspect. One murder might be okay, you’d just need to confirm the circumstances.

Otherwise, go on the date, be kind and then just don’t make another one.

2. She’s a human being, man, c’mon. You now know what I don’t care about. What I do care about is the girl on the other end being strung along and left feeling like a stain on your shirt. Bad form, dude. Really bad form. Unless she incapable of any feeling at all, this is going to hurt her. And depending on the girl, could cause more damage than you could possibly fathom. Being cancelled on is a bee sting. Being stood up is a blow to the gut and far more personal. Just don’t do it.

3. Ladies, you don’t stand men up. If you make the date, you go or suddenly come down with parvo. You may not stand guys up, but what you pull can be so much worse. Does making excuses about not being available sound familiar? Oh yes. I can feel you cringing right this second. You leave the guy to think there’s a chance when you and I both know there isn’t.

Gross.  Don’t do that.

Just say no, Nancy Reagan. A guy would rather take one swift “no” blow, than be tortured with a bunch of “maybe next weeks”. I can feel you cringing again. Be straight with him. He’ll take it fine. You’d be surprised.

4. If you get stood up, don’t chase. Drop kick that man into yesterday and move on. The one text my friend sent was completely reasonable. So cool, do that. But after one, it’s game over. You have officially wasted all the time you’re going to waste on someone so lacking in basic decency. So say I. And don’t make excuses for him. The odds of him being fatally wounded on his way to your apartment are pretty small.

Ever been stood up?

Ever stood anyone up and want to clear your retched conscience?

What is a good reason to cancel a date?

Ladies, what are some of the excuses you’ve made to not go on a date?