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Well, ladies? Tempting and not creepy at all, yes? I mean, he know The Rock!
I just got back from a month long expedition back to the Mother Land. By Mother Land, I mean Washington state and by expedition, I mean lived under my parents roof again and hid booze in my room.
Except for the moment my daughter tugged on my shirt and said, “Mom, look.” then pointed out the glass case full of hand-blown bongs on the counter of a convenience store, it was a relatively uneventful trip.
What? It’s Washington state. Pot is legal there now. You never know when you’re going to need to pick up a new bong with your Slushee at Kwik Gas. God knows you probably aren’t leaving without Doritos.
Anyway, whenever I go back home, I try to see as many people as possible while I’m there. People I know that is. I can see strangers anytime. This seeing people thing usually includes a few friends I’ve known since I was 12. We find a happy hour and gather not so much to reminisce, though that happens, but to catch up.
Turns out a friend of mine has gotten divorced since the last time I was home. Let’s call him
Lake Huron Morgan Freeman C. Patrick.
Sorry. The History Channel is on and I got distracted while trying to think of a name. C. Patrick is the first name that came up after Morgan Freeman.
So C. Patrick got divorced and had been having a hard time since his wife left. I’m not going to go into all the gory detail of why he got divorced, that’s his story to tell, not mine. What I can tell you about him is that in high school he was maybe the most beautiful boy to grace the halls. He didn’t know it though and some girls didn’t notice because he was also just super nice. No big swagger, though he could have, and no big attitude. Fast forward twenty years and he’s a guy who has been put through the ringer by a woman who didn’t appreciate what she had.
He forgot who he was.
Hold on to your butts single ladies because the man I am about to describe is the super awesome man win, I won’t be exaggerating and he’s on the market.
Remember like 5 sentences ago when I said he was the most beautiful boy to walk the halls of my high school? Well, time has been good to C. Patrick and he’s only better looking now. If I wasn’t happily marriage, Hi Craig, the smile alone might do me in. But that’s not all. He’s an architect. He’s a great dad. And he’s still a helluva nice guy. He doesn’t just have a lot to offer, he has it all to offer.
But he forgot. He forgot who he is because a woman did a number on him and stole his confidence. Ever been there? Ever had your confidence shaken by someone you trusted? Or by life in general? Then you know how he felt.
How do you come back from something like that?
You remember who you are. You inventory the super awesome man win things about you and own the hell out of them. You lift your chin and look the world in the face again. You decide that no one gets to steal anything from you and you take one step forward. You decide your own worth.
Go get ’em tiger.
Have you ever forgotten who you are? Had your confidence shaken? What did you do about it?
What are your thoughts on prenuptials?
My boyfriend and I aren’t engaged yet, but we’re heading in that direction. He has a “I’m not getting married without prenups” policy; he admitted that it’s because almost every marriage he has ever been around crumbled due to infidelity/the wife leaving when things get rough. He is worried we’ll eventually fall into the same pattern. I grew up with parents about to celebrate their 35th anniversary, and heard “prenuptials are preparation for divorce.”
I refuse to jump on the “you don’t trust me and don’t have faith in our future!” crazy train, so I’m looking into it for the first time as an option. But while I’m figuring it out, would you share your thoughts on the matter?
‘Til Prenups Do Us Apart
Yeah. I’m not a fan. What you’re talking about is called an infidelity clause and they tend to do more harm than good. Especially when there is no other reason to have a prenup and no historical grounds for requiring such a thing. If you have given him no reason to doubt your commitment, then I do not recommend this. It will only solidify his paranoia and could eventually cause you to resent him and his fears.
I respect you not wanting to jump on the crazy train. I try to keep people off of it as often as possible. But the truth is he doesn’t trust you or your future. And an infidelity clause won’t fix that. It won’t make him less suspicious or more trusting. It will only make him feel like he’s protected financially FROM YOU when/if you cheat on him. That’s the part you need to understand. He believes making you agree to a prenup is protecting himself from you. Don’t kid yourself about that.
And that’s his issue. Not yours.
Sounds to me like you two, him especially, could do with some serious premarital counseling. If I were you, I wouldn’t even agree to marry him until you do. He really needs to get a grip on his fears and mistrust before you can move forward. I know that’s not what you want to hear but the reality is you are going to get tired of his suspicion sooner than later. Marriage doesn’t make issues better. It makes them worse. Marriage is like shining a magnifying glass on problems. They only get bigger. And the prenup won’t help.
This is a great article about infidelity clauses:
I would seriously encourage you to think long and hard about marrying under the shadow of an infidelity prenup. Preuptial agreements have their place but that place is pretty small in the big scheme of things.
Oh so sincerely,
Okay. I know there has to be some thoughts on this out there. What do you think?
I realized something this week. I have never done a Father’s Day gift post. I KNOW, RIGHT? So I started hopping around the internet looking for interesting, awesome, unconventional things to put together for you. My minions. And you know what I found? This:
A glass moss terrarium.
On 3 different gift lists.
One of those lists was this one:
With the exception of maybe two things, this list is completely useless. It included cutesy sticky notes, paper clips shaped like sardines and stationery. STATIONERY FOR GOD’S SAKE! This is the very first thing on it:
A wireless dolphin mouse.
One list suggested a sponge holder. For your father. FOR FATHER’S DAY! Oy. It made me pretty stabby.
“Dear Real Simple Mag, your Father’s Day Gift suggestions make me sad. A glass moss terrarium? Really?”, I bitched on Twitter. To which my friend Justin responded:
No, Justin. No. I can do better. We can ALL do better.
I have compiled a list. And let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. Mother’s Day? Simple. Valentine’s Day? Don’t make me laugh. But Father’s Day? I had to go deep. The suggestions out there are so heinous, Nicholas Cage should play them in a movie. But here’s what I found to save the day:
When possible, I have linked to where these things can be found and you can get there by clicking on the pictures because I’m just that helpful.
1. For the tech savvy dad:
The top one is a super cool iPad case, the bottom one is by TwelveSouth.com and you can get one for his computer, iPad or iPhone. Awesome, yet manly. But you still have my permission to not teach him how to text, explain what Twitter is or allow him to be your friend on Facebook.
2. For the napping dad:
Again with the hammock, Sharideth? Yes! Because clearly you people aren’t listening. Hammocks are the happiest of napping places and the most underused. Seriously, if you can’t see how amazing this would be for dad, then buy him the terrarium.
3. For the dad with teeth:
Okay, so hang with me here. This isn’t for everyone. But if your dad is a) the one who complains about people squeezing the tube wrong or b) the one who makes an abomination of the tube, then this is your gift. You will both laugh and laugh then put it immediately to use.
4. For the…um…itchy? dad:
Note: Also acceptable as a gift from wife to husband. Humor is optional.
5. For the slippery dad:
A grip pad in the car for his phone? Yes. Yes. It is awesome. Buy it.
6. For the dad who can never find his tools:
You can lead a man to water, but you can’t make him locate his socket wrench.
7. For the dad who can never find the remote:
Oh my. What is this? The worlds largest universal remote? Oh stop. I know I’m a genius.
8. Whatever he needs. Does his yard need work that he can’t do? Do it or have it done for him. Does that old car sitting in his garage need a part that he can’t find? Find it. Did his favorite coffee maker just die? Buy him a new one. You get me?
9. Whatever he wants. Is there a book he’s been wanting to get? A new golf club he’s been drooling over? Tickets to a baseball game regardless of how slit-your-wrists boring it is? You have no idea? Ask your mom.
10. You. Take him out to dinner. Take him to a movie that you know you’ll hate but he will love. Play that ridiculous card game that takes 4 hours to finish. Just be with him. He’s your dad. It’s one day. You can drink later.
See? Told you I’d save the day.
Now I know some of this stuff has to be ordered. Big deal. So it comes late. A phone call to let him know it’s on its way will be just fine. Besides, what kind of monster doesn’t call his dad on Father’s Day?
You are welcome.
Any other suggestions for the giving impaired?
Y’all know that sometimes I hop around the internet to see what others are saying about relationship stuff. I read articles by professional therapists, entertainers, whoever the romantically busted are that write for Men’s Health and teenagers trying to give each other advice on Tumblr. God help us, that’s even worse than Men’s Health. Almost. Then, of course, I choose the worst of the worst and have some fun with it here. Occasionally I run into something surprisingly good, so I’ll post that, too.
This is neither. Or both. Whatever.
Nine of the 10 are entertaining and even have moments of insightful. I don’t agree with every word of the other nine but not enough to pitch a fit. Number 8 is downright hilarious. But there was one….
A: I’m not even going to attempt a sports analogy and instead use what I know best: Elmo. He’s adorable — until you realize that the person behind the cuteness is not a preschooler but a 50-year-old man. What’s mildly irritating in kids is infuriating in adults. I call it Extra Child Syndrome. With four young kids in our house, I need to know that my husband’s got my back. Anything that creates more work, whether it’s un-dyeing the laundry he turned pink or rescheduling that missed appointment, frustrates me. It isn’t fair that a husband bears the brunt of his wife’s frustration, but be flattered: Your wife knows you can handle it, because you are, at the end of the day, the only other grown-up in the house.
So what’s wrong with that, Sharideth? Seems reasonable.
A lot of a man’s validation and security comes from the support and encouragement of his wife. If he is the only one getting the ass end of her on a daily basis, that’s going to getting frustrating. And hurtful. And demeaning. And beat down. He can take it? Sure. But only in small doses.
Why would a woman reserve the worst of herself for her husband? Blergh. Just the thought of it makes me feel all greasy and yuck inside. Can you imagine the response from her if all she got from him was complaints about things she does? Woo boy. Moaning. Wailing. Gnashing of teeth. Unlimited text messages and calls to her friend would be tested.
Our spouses are suppose to see us at our worst and love us anyway. But we are not suppose to be willfully thrusting the worst of ourselves at them. He/she should be our main focus of all that is good and right and sexy. I know that isn’t going to be 100% of the time. It can’t be. We’re people and people are flawed and will behave badly. Every. Single. One. Of. Us. But we do have to try. We vowed to love, honor and cherish. There was no “only when we feel like it” at the end of that.
I do understand getting frustrated with your spouse, legitimately or otherwise. It happens. Kids are life-sucking leeches. Adorable, but exhausting. As a mom, I know there is very little to give at the end of the day. Bosses can be subhuman. Any number of things can drain away our happy place and make it all too easy to lash out at the person closest to us.
But kindness is not hard either.
Pasting a genuine, albeit weary, smile on your face when you have had a crappy day and letting your beloved know that he left his power supply for his recording console in the middle of the floor and you tripped on it when you were carrying disgusting teenage boy laundry down to the basement so could he please move it or maybe take it to the studio is fine. Bitching about it the second he walks through the door is not.
What? That example could happen to anyone.
And I totally bitched.
The point is, I know my husband is never trying to make my day harder. And I should never treat him like he is. How unfun is that? For both of us.
So Redbook, you did well. Mostly. But no. We don’t reserve all our bad attitude for our spouses. Just…no.
Who gets to see the worst of you most often?
Let’s have some fun after all the haterade of Glittergate.
Good times. So where are you going to get your first sunburn this year?
BUT THERE’S GLITTER ON YOUR BOOBS! (<— link!)
I could wear a burkha and still wouldn’t be able to hide my boobs. When you’ve got curves like mine, there is no modest enough. Ever. I’ve never been super popular with the faction of my faith who believes the responsibility of causing men not to stumble face first into motorboating lies solely on the way women dress and carry themselves. Which is a steaming pile, of course. Not only is it impossible for me to completely conceal what my mama gave me, I don’t want to.
Which means I also have to be cool with it when men notice.
There are bloggers and activists out there doing amazing work against the modesty culture that causes women to carry around so much shame when it comes to their bodies. You only have to read this one experience to understand why Christian feminists like Dianna Anderson are so necessary to move things forward in the church. I make a terrible feminist, so I’ll just let my sisters-in-Christ-who-are-smarter-than-me swing those particular punches.
I’m here to talk about the other extreme.
Confused and hurt
Dear C & H,
I’ve thought about this off and on quite a bit since you first emailed me. And thinking about anything a lot is not my general MO. I could take your email line by line and break it down, making this the longest post ever on my blog, but honestly, all that would still lead to one simple answer.
The two of you are not compatible. Like, a whole lot of not.
And jut so we’re clear, I don’t think your position on physical relationship is wrong. I respect it. I don’t think hers is wrong either, but the two perspectives are definitely square peg round hole.
You both approach relationship very differently. So differently, that they don’t even resemble one another in practice. That just doesn’t work. It won’t work with anyone except a girl with same value system you have in regards to physical relationship. Or at least one who respects your position enough to wait until you are comfortable with moving in that direction.
This is not the end for you. Take it as a The More You Know lesson and look for girls with your same value system.
Oh so sincerely,
Any other advice for our friend?
Happy Mother’s Day!