Twitter Twaddle #IfWeDate

Click on the dead bird to follow my ridiculousness on Twitter.

Maybe I should have titled this one “Undatable Girl Edition”. Not all of them are written by terrible women, but probably 80% that I read are.

Protip: Guys, if you ever want to cull the herd of available women, just watch what they post on Twitter when a relationship trend is underway.

#IfWeDate Ill let you touch my boobs whenever – *presented without comment*

#IfWeDate you better defend me in EVERYTHING – So yeah. Couple of questions. How often does it come that he would need to defend you? And what exactly is “EVERYTHING”?

#Ifwedate bitch you better be committed..if you weren’t going to committed bitch you shouldn’t have asked me to be with you. – I’m pretty sure every guy reading this is going to think twice before asking you out. In a perfect world, they won’t need to use up the second thought.

#IfWeDate you’ll know every mistake I’ve ever made but you’ll forgive me and help me through it – This is a fixer-upper, fellas. Proceed with caution.

#IfWeDate you have to be real!!! Not imaginary 😒 – Fair enough.

#IfWeDate I’ll spoil you, cuddle you, do whatever you want, make you dinner but know that i will always think you might deep down hate me –

#IfWeDate you Better never talk to any other girls unless I allow it – If you date this girl, you deserve whatever you get.

#IfWeDate you better be able to put up with my moods💁– Thanks for the heads up. Also, no.

#IfWeDate it’s not gonna be easy for you at all. – Well, at least she’s honest.

#IfWeDate just know I like the large #6 on the Taco Bell menu. – And that my friends, is what I call a Keeper.

Confession time. How would you answer #IfWeDate?

Advertisement

Dating Someone Who Is Not Dating You

I get a lot of suggestions for stories, topics, videos, whatever for my blog. Some I use, some I don’t, all I appreciate.

Especially this one…

Recently I had a conversation with a couple of friends that started, “Go ahead. You tell her.” Pretty much my favorite way for anything to start. Unless it’s coming from my children because that’s always going to end badly and/or expensively with the potential for rage.

Anyway, this particular story must be told. It’s not a Dear Sharideth because this girl didn’t ask for my advice, but oh man, she’s going to get it anyway.

Apparently for about six months this girl has been dating a guy that she cooks for, drops everything for and does some general but consistent mooning over and what does she get in return?

“I’m not into making a commitment right now, but you should still keep doing things for me and let’s make out.”

For SIX months.

Now I don’t know all the details. I never do. But if what I was told is even 70% accurate (and I believe the percentage is much higher than that) then the answer to this is pretty clear.

He’s a douche and she needs to get a grip. Real talk for this darling girl, she is not going to change him. Like, ever. There is no meal delicious enough to get him to commit. He’s living the dream. A girl who does everything a girlfriend does and more and who he doesn’t have to invest anything in? Awesome! At least in his selfish turd mind.

HE IS NEVER GOING TO “COME AROUND”.

She needs to cut her losses and her grocery bill and kick this guy to the curb. Then give him a total freeze out when he sucks up and tries to get her back because he’s hungry and/or bored. I want her to get a firm grip on her self-respect and throw down. Six months is way over due for this guy to decide if he wants to be with her exclusively. If he’s not there yet, it’s time for the little bird to leave the nest because he’s treating her like a mom he makes out with it.

That’s a disgusting analogy, Sharideth!

I know, right? I’m pretty proud of it.

Ever dated someone who is not really dating you?

What would you say to this girl?

“How to Not Suck at Marriage”

Y’all know Knox McCoy and that I immediately spelled “know” as “knox”, right? One is a person, the other is a given. I’ll let you decide which is which.

Anyway, Know Knox wrote a book. He does that sometimes. It’s this one:

And I wrote the foreword.

You heard me.

He asked me, the person who spelled “foreword” wrong when I responded to his request, to write the foreword for something he spent months on.

What? I like Knox but he’s not exactly the sharpest Sharpie in the drawer. In fact, I’m pretty sure he wrote this book in Sharpie. Agreed, that is better than crayon, but still…

Should you buy this book? I’m glad you asked because I have an answer.

Probably.

Are his paragraphs longer than mine?

Yes.

The book is funny and even insightful. I know! I was shocked, too. Will it cure snoring or underwear in the sink? No. But it might give you a heads up about what it looks like to come out the other side of a fight still in love. God knows we could all use that, amiright?

Married or not, the book is good. If only as a coaster.

Or to read my foreword. Whatever.

Buy it.

What would be your one piece of advice to someone about how to not suck at marriage?

Get Out of Debt Free Card?

Click to make it bigger.

Well, ladies? Tempting and not creepy at all, yes? I mean, he know The Rock!

FarmersOnly.com

It’s just so lovely…

Is there a particular group you think needs their own dating website?

That One Time You Forgot Who You Are

Yeah. I took a picture of the bong display. Sue me.

I just got back from a month long expedition back to the Mother Land. By Mother Land, I mean Washington state and by expedition, I mean lived under my parents roof again and hid booze in my room.

Except for the moment my daughter tugged on my shirt and said, “Mom, look.” then pointed out the glass case full of hand-blown bongs on the counter of a convenience store, it was a relatively uneventful trip.

What? It’s Washington state. Pot is legal there now. You never know when you’re going to need to pick up a new bong with your Slushee at Kwik Gas. God knows you probably aren’t leaving without Doritos.

Anyway, whenever I go back home, I try to see as many people as possible while I’m there. People I know that is. I can see strangers anytime. This seeing people thing usually includes a few friends I’ve known since I was 12. We find a happy hour and gather not so much to reminisce, though that happens, but to catch up.

Turns out a friend of mine has gotten divorced since the last time I was home. Let’s call him Lake Huron Morgan Freeman C. Patrick.

Sorry. The History Channel is on and I got distracted while trying to think of a name. C. Patrick is the first name that came up after Morgan Freeman.

So C. Patrick got divorced and had been having a hard time since his wife left. I’m not going to go into all the gory detail of why he got divorced, that’s his story to tell, not mine. What I can tell you about him is that in high school he was maybe the most beautiful boy to grace the halls. He didn’t know it though and some girls didn’t notice because he was also just super nice. No big swagger, though he could have, and no big attitude. Fast forward twenty years and he’s a guy who has been put through the ringer by a woman who didn’t appreciate what she had.

He forgot who he was.

Hold on to your butts single ladies because the man I am about to describe is the super awesome man win, I won’t be exaggerating and he’s on the market.

Remember like 5 sentences ago when I said he was the most beautiful boy to walk the halls of my high school? Well, time has been good to C. Patrick and he’s only better looking now. If I wasn’t happily marriage, Hi Craig, the smile alone might do me in. But that’s not all. He’s an architect. He’s a great dad. And he’s still a helluva nice guy. He doesn’t just have a lot to offer, he has it all to offer.

But he forgot. He forgot who he is because a woman did a number on him and stole his confidence. Ever been there? Ever had your confidence shaken by someone you trusted? Or by life in general? Then you know how he felt.

How do you come back from something like that?

You remember.

You remember who you are. You inventory the super awesome man win things about you and own the hell out of them. You lift your chin and look the world in the face again. You decide that no one gets to steal anything from you and you take one step forward. You decide your own worth.

You remember.

Go get ’em tiger.

Have you ever forgotten who you are? Had your confidence shaken? What did you do about it?

Dear Sharideth, He Wants a Prenup

Dear Sharideth,

What are your thoughts on prenuptials?

My boyfriend and I aren’t engaged yet, but we’re heading in that direction. He has a “I’m not getting married without prenups” policy; he admitted that it’s because almost every marriage he has ever been around crumbled due to infidelity/the wife leaving when things get rough. He is worried we’ll eventually fall into the same pattern. I grew up with parents about to celebrate their 35th anniversary, and heard “prenuptials are preparation for divorce.”

I refuse to jump on the “you don’t trust me and don’t have faith in our future!” crazy train, so I’m looking into it for the first time as an option. But while I’m figuring it out, would you share your thoughts on the matter?

Sincerely,

‘Til Prenups Do Us Apart

Dear TPDUA,

Yeah. I’m not a fan. What you’re talking about is called an infidelity clause and they tend to do more harm than good. Especially when there is no other reason to have a prenup and no historical grounds for requiring such a thing. If you have given him no reason to doubt your commitment, then I do not recommend this. It will only solidify his paranoia and could eventually cause you to resent him and his fears.

I respect you not wanting to jump on the crazy train. I try to keep people off of it as often as possible. But the truth is he doesn’t trust you or your future. And an infidelity clause won’t fix that. It won’t make him less suspicious or more trusting. It will only make him feel like he’s protected financially FROM YOU when/if you cheat on him. That’s the part you need to understand. He believes making you agree to a prenup is protecting himself from you. Don’t kid yourself about that.

And that’s his issue. Not yours.

Sounds to me like you two, him especially, could do with some serious premarital counseling. If I were you, I wouldn’t even agree to marry him until you do. He really needs to get a grip on his fears and mistrust before you can move forward. I know that’s not what you want to hear but the reality is you are going to get tired of his suspicion sooner than later. Marriage doesn’t make issues better. It makes them worse. Marriage is like shining a magnifying glass on problems. They only get bigger. And the prenup won’t help.

This is a great article about infidelity clauses:

Infidelity Clauses: Protecting Marriage with Fear of Financial Fall-Out

I would seriously encourage you to think long and hard about marrying under the shadow of an infidelity prenup. Preuptial agreements have their place but that place is pretty small in the big scheme of things.

Oh so sincerely,

Sharideth

Okay. I know there has to be some thoughts on this out there. What do you think?

Father’s Day is Saved

I realized something this week. I have never done a Father’s Day gift post. I KNOW, RIGHT? So I started hopping around the internet looking for interesting, awesome, unconventional things to put together for you. My minions. And you know what I found? This:

A glass moss terrarium.

On 3 different gift lists.

One of those lists was this one:

36 Father’s Day Gift Ideas according to Real Simple Magazine

With the exception of maybe two things, this list is completely useless. It included cutesy sticky notes, paper clips shaped like sardines and stationery. STATIONERY FOR GOD’S SAKE! This is the very first thing on it:

A wireless dolphin mouse.

I KNOW!

One list suggested a sponge holder. For your father. FOR FATHER’S DAY! Oy. It made me pretty stabby.

“Dear Real Simple Mag, your Father’s Day Gift suggestions make me sad. A glass moss terrarium? Really?”, I bitched on Twitter. To which my friend Justin responded:

No, Justin. No. I can do better. We can ALL do better.

I have compiled a list. And let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. Mother’s Day? Simple. Valentine’s Day? Don’t make me laugh. But Father’s Day? I had to go deep. The suggestions out there are so heinous, Nicholas Cage should play them in a movie. But here’s what I found to save the day:

TOP 10 FATHER’S DAY GIFTS

When possible, I have linked to where these things can be found and you can get there by clicking on the pictures because I’m just that helpful.

1. For the tech savvy dad:

The top one is a super cool iPad case, the bottom one is by TwelveSouth.com and you can get one for his computer, iPad or iPhone. Awesome, yet manly. But you still have my permission to not teach him how to text, explain what Twitter is or allow him to be your friend on Facebook.

2. For the napping dad:

Again with the hammock, Sharideth? Yes! Because clearly you people aren’t listening. Hammocks are the happiest of napping places and the most underused. Seriously, if you can’t see how amazing this would be for dad, then buy him the terrarium.

3. For the dad with teeth:

Okay, so hang with me here. This isn’t for everyone. But if your dad is a) the one who complains about people squeezing the tube wrong or b) the one who makes an abomination of the tube, then this is your gift. You will both laugh and laugh then put it immediately to use.

4. For the…um…itchy? dad:

This, my friends, is called The Gentleman’s Ball Scratcher. I would recommend this be given from a much beloved son to his father with the well-developed sense of humor…and itchy scrotum.

Note: Also acceptable as a gift from wife to husband. Humor is optional.

5. For the slippery dad:

A grip pad in the car for his phone? Yes. Yes. It is awesome. Buy it.

6. For the dad who can never find his tools:

You can lead a man to water, but you can’t make him locate his socket wrench.

7. For the dad who can never find the remote:

Oh my. What is this? The worlds largest universal remote? Oh stop. I know I’m a genius.

8. Whatever he needs. Does his yard need work that he can’t do? Do it or have it done for him. Does that old car sitting in his garage need a part that he can’t find? Find it. Did his favorite coffee maker just die? Buy him a new one. You get me?

9. Whatever he wants. Is there a book he’s been wanting to get? A new golf club he’s been drooling over? Tickets to a baseball game regardless of how slit-your-wrists boring it is? You have no idea? Ask your mom.

10. You. Take him out to dinner. Take him to a movie that you know you’ll hate but he will love. Play that ridiculous card game that takes 4 hours to finish. Just be with him. He’s your dad. It’s one day. You can drink later.

See? Told you I’d save the day.

Now I know some of this stuff has to be ordered. Big deal. So it comes late. A phone call to let him know it’s on its way will be just fine. Besides, what kind of monster doesn’t call his dad on Father’s Day?

You are welcome.

Any other suggestions for the giving impaired?

Oh Redbook, You Came So Close to Being Right

Y’all know that sometimes I hop around the internet to see what others are saying about relationship stuff. I read articles by professional therapists, entertainers, whoever the romantically busted are that write for Men’s Health and teenagers trying to give each other advice on Tumblr. God help us, that’s even worse than Men’s Health. Almost. Then, of course, I choose the worst of the worst and have some fun with it here. Occasionally I run into something surprisingly good, so I’ll post that, too.

This is neither. Or both. Whatever.

10 Questions Men Are Too Scared To Ask Women

Nine of the 10 are entertaining and even have moments of insightful. I don’t agree with every word of the other nine but not enough to pitch a fit. Number 8 is downright hilarious. But there was one….

Q:How can a woman hold it together for everyone else but have such a short fuse with her husband?

A: I’m not even going to attempt a sports analogy and instead use what I know best: Elmo. He’s adorable — until you realize that the person behind the cuteness is not a preschooler but a 50-year-old man. What’s mildly irritating in kids is infuriating in adults. I call it Extra Child Syndrome. With four young kids in our house, I need to know that my husband’s got my back. Anything that creates more work, whether it’s un-dyeing the laundry he turned pink or rescheduling that missed appointment, frustrates me. It isn’t fair that a husband bears the brunt of his wife’s frustration, but be flattered: Your wife knows you can handle it, because you are, at the end of the day, the only other grown-up in the house.

So what’s wrong with that, Sharideth? Seems reasonable.

Yeah.

No.

A lot of a man’s validation and security comes from the support and encouragement of his wife. If he is the only one getting the ass end of her on a daily basis, that’s going to getting frustrating. And hurtful. And demeaning. And beat down. He can take it? Sure. But only in small doses.

Why would a woman reserve the worst of herself for her husband? Blergh. Just the thought of it makes me feel all greasy and yuck inside. Can you imagine the response from her if all she got from him was complaints about things she does? Woo boy. Moaning. Wailing. Gnashing of teeth. Unlimited text messages and calls to her friend would be tested.

Our spouses are suppose to see us at our worst and love us anyway. But we are not suppose to be willfully thrusting the worst of ourselves at them. He/she should be our main focus of all that is good and right and sexy. I know that isn’t going to be 100% of the time. It can’t be. We’re people and people are flawed and will behave badly. Every. Single. One. Of. Us. But we do have to try. We vowed to love, honor and cherish. There was no “only when we feel like it” at the end of that.

I do understand getting frustrated with your spouse, legitimately or otherwise. It happens. Kids are life-sucking leeches. Adorable, but exhausting. As a mom, I know there is very little to give at the end of the day. Bosses can be subhuman. Any number of things can drain away our happy place and make it all too easy to lash out at the person closest to us.

But kindness is not hard either.

Pasting a genuine, albeit weary, smile on your face when you have had a crappy day and letting your beloved know that he left his power supply for his recording console in the middle of the floor and you tripped on it when you were carrying disgusting teenage boy laundry down to the basement so could he please move it or maybe take it to the studio is fine. Bitching about it the second he walks through the door is not.

What? That example could happen to anyone.

And I totally bitched.

The point is, I know my husband is never trying to make my day harder. And I should never treat him like he is. How unfun is that? For both of us.

So Redbook, you did well. Mostly. But no. We don’t reserve all our bad attitude for our spouses. Just…no.

Who gets to see the worst of you most often?

Phone It In Phriday

Let’s have some fun after all the haterade of Glittergate.

Good times. So where are you going to get your first sunburn this year?