Dear Sharideth: What did I miss?


Today’s question comes via a comment on my Why She Puts You in the Friend Zone post. Have a read….

I met this girl and we hit it off immediately. We hung out all the time and we bonded very easily, sharing a lot of the same humor, interests, etc. I asked her out after about 2 weeks but she said she wasn’t ready. Turns out she had just gotten out of a 1 1/2 year relationship with a guy that she almost married. Regardless of this rejection, we still hung out almost every day/talked every day. Looking back on it, it seems obvious that I was friendzoned then, but she told me “I like to be friends with guys before I consider seriously dating them”. This spoke to me as “keep going, you’re on the right path”.  I would remind her from time to time that I was still interested but was told no. Finally, two days ago I was officially friendzoned for good (maybe? Probably lolol) but her reasoning was just that “her heart wasn’t in it”. Sounds like a #3 situation, but she told me that in the beginning she was initially attracted to me as a love interest. I just don’t know where I went wrong. I wasn’t passive about what I wanted, and let her know my intentions early and often. Am I just THAT unlucky? Or y’all think there is something I missed? – Levi

Dear Levi,

Great name. Very biblical and full of denim durability. So yeah, you got friendzoned harder than Grape Nuts. My instinct is that you are correct about being in the “she’s just not that into you” category. Girls don’t friendzone guys they’re into. They just don’t.

As far as I can tell, you did do everything right. Reminding her you were still interested was good work. My only question is, did you date other girls while you were waiting on her or not? Because you should have. Waiting on someone who has told she’s not “ready” is a self-inflicted purgatory. Why? Because when a girl says she’s not ready to date after a long relationship, most of the time, that’s a lie.

A Biggest Loser sized one.

She probably doesn’t even know she’s lying, but she is. I’ve rarely met a girl who makes this claim and won’t immediately go on a date with someone she’s really attracted to. I’m not saying she won’t still be hung up on the ex, God knows that’s entirely possible, but there’s nothing like being asked out by someone she finds super cute to soothe the savage ego. It could be your girl may have been truly wrecked after her relationship and no one looked good to her. It happens. But if she were into you, she would have eventually come around.

Sucks. I know.

Moral of the story, declare yourself but don’t wait around after she says no. Feel free to keep the idea of her on the back burner, but a man’s gotta eat and that means actually cooking. That’s front burner stuff. Otherwise your most intimate relationships are going to be with Netflix and your PS3.

Oh so sincerely,


*terrible analogy brought to you by the number 2 and the fact that I’m hungry*

What else would you guys tell our friend?


8 comments on “Dear Sharideth: What did I miss?

  1. What’s so wrong with having a new friend?

  2. Rachel says:

    I agree with Sharideth. I will say that, having been in a similar situation as your girl interest, I have had almost two years where I have felt almost monastically uninterested in anyone. I have gone on dates, I have tried, really tried, realized I shouldn’t have to be trying so hard to feel something, and subseqently given up dating until I feel like I actually really want to be with someone. So, while it is probably exactly as Sharideth says, it could have been such a serious blow that she is finding it hard to feel anything for anyone. I don’t know whether I just haven’t met the right kind of guy for me, or if I am just so closed off that I don’t feel anything for anyone, but I do know that I don’t want to waste my time and risk heartbreak dating the wrong guy. So your girl could just be paralyzing herself from this. I would say that if she still doesn’t feel anything for you, chances are she’s not likely to come around anytime soon. She either needs to heal or date someone else. But great job! You’ve been very kind and gone about it all in a way that shows her how a guy who cares about her should go dating her.

  3. Brian says:

    I wish I would have read this last year. I was dating someone who was saying she really liked me, but wasn’t ready for anything serious yet. She also said we would eventually have a defined relationship. Hearing those words, I was patient. Guess what, the defined relationship never happened.

  4. Ah, the friend zone. A territory I’m all too familiar with, I’m afraid. Thanks for the post.

  5. jb757 says:

    Why have relationships become so complex? Selfishness? Vanity? Idolatry?? Being in my mid-late 30’s and single is somewhat disappointing as I would have liked to been married by now (I try not to let any of that define me though). I have found myself in the friendzone more times than I care, and I have found myself a bit picky too. When I talk to my folks about my dating life or lack thereof, they are often confused and just don’t get how it all works these days, especially in the Christian world… they are like “why don’t people just go on dates and have a good time?” I wonder if the generations before us made it so complex? One could argue that our exposure to media that has increased exponentially in the last 60+ years has given us visibility to “picture perfect” people (thus setting standards if beauty), and our society has become more individualistic and self consumed (heck, I’m guilty of it) where we get what we want and how we want, extremely customized… as a result, we often rule out potential mates because we just feel “meh” about it, and relegate them to the “friendzone”. Take all that for what it’s worth…

  6. G Fresh says:

    I got nothin’. As a life-long inmate at the Friendzonia Penitentiary I have yet to find an escape plan that works. So I guess good luck? 🙂

  7. Nitpicker says:

    Think his name was Paul, not Levi. Great post nonetheless.

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