Valentine’s Day is tomorrow you say? You still don’t have a gift for her? Sharideth, where the hell have you been in the last 3 weeks you ask?
The easy answer to the last question is that my entire family has been on flu death watch since the 3rd week of January. All four of us. So I didn’t write. I had nothing to give. The best thing you would have gotten out of me is “don’t date assholes, don’t be an asshole, get a flu shot.”
But I’m back now. Just in time to make your procrastinating ass look like a hero, because it’s all stuff you can make happen in the next 24 hours.
Here’s my updated list of how to make Valentine’s Day a rousing success. Arousing success? Whatever. Here it is:
10. Spa Package – Cliche? Yes. Desirable? Hells yeah. Now where this gets tricky is whether or not you make it a couples spa package or just for her. The easy, untricky answer? If she has kids, make it just for her. Dating? Newly married? No kids? Feel free to couple it up.
9. Kidnap a Whole Foods Worker – But only temporarily and don’t leave the store. Put on your best pathetic face and hand over your credit card. Get wine, cheese, meats, olives, awesome crusty bread and a couple of tall candles. Picnic away in your living room. Especially if you’re in the Northeast and Nemo is still trying to turn you into Abominable Bumble.
8. Mix Tape – Okay, so it will probably take CDR form but you get my meaning. It’s still a classic. And if you’re feeling particularly romantic, you can add some voice overs with your thoughts about what makes her so super keen and/or play it while holding a boom box above your head outside her window. Trust me, there isn’t a girl alive who wouldn’t swoon over your Lloyd Dobler moment.
7. The Siamese Slanket – What better way to say “I love you” than mixing some political incorrectness with your cozy? As soon as you get off work, head to Bed, Bath and Beyond and get yourself one of these. You heard me. Having to go there is your penance for having waited so damn long. While you’re at it, put together a movie basket of Red Vines (Twizzlers are gross), Junior Mints, Raisinets (or Milk Duds), popcorn and maybe a bottle of wine. Hit the Netflix and boom! Snuggle time.
6. Reservations – You’re going to have scramble and find some place that still has openings, but it can be done. The beauty of this one is that there is no reason for her to ever know that you pulled this off the day before/day of. Let her believe it was the surprise you’ve had in your pocket for weeks.
5. Polaroid Night – Buy yourself a Polaroid camera and a bunch of film and take her out to Chuck E Cheese, a playground, dinner, hockey game, TPing a friend’s house, all of the above and capture it all instantly in pictures. What did you just say? Sharideth, that is genius? I know.
4. Whatever She Needs – Sometimes there’s something that she’s been needing that she can’t or won’t buy for herself. Get it for her. You’ll be surprised how much she’ll appreciate it. Even if it’s a dishwasher. *cough*Craig*cough* Or maybe her computer bag is falling apart and you just noticed because I happened to mention it and now you can look like you’re paying attention by buying her a new one. A NICE new one.
3. Whatever She Likes – What does she enjoy? What’s her fun thing? What’s she into? Get her something unique to her. Again, paying attention points.
2. Whatever She Wants – What has she been talking about wanting? Have you been listening, because she’s been telling you for the last month and a half what she’d like to have. Think about it, my last minute friend. It’s already in your brain, you’ve just got to dig it out. Just so long as it isn’t one of those terrible butt shaped Open Heart atrocities.
1. Flowers – I know, I know. I’ve railed against giving flowers before. Shut up and listen for a second. Flowers done wrong ARE THE WORST. But flowers done right…sorry girls, I’m about to out us all. Getting flowers is okay, but getting flowers delivered to a place where everyone can see you getting flowers, is how it’s done. The neener neener neener factor is huge. Girls love the “I got them and you didn’t” feeling. We are all terrible people inside when it comes to flowers. Super flower wins include having them delivered to her work place (if she works with a bunch of women), having them delivered to her while she’s out with her friends (maybe the day before) and having them delivered to the restaurant where you’ll be having dinner.
And for goodness sake, be more creative than roses. *see below*
If you’re taking her out for dinner/drinks and can’t get them delivered, buy her a corsage ahead of time and present her with it before you get where you’re going. Make it a pretty one. Find a gay florist and pay him whatever it takes for something stunning. She’ll be charmed right out of her bloomers.
Okay ladies, help them out. What else?
You. Are. Welcome.