dear sharideth: My Ex Wants Me Back

Dear Sharideth,

I had a five year relationship end this summer. Basically she cheated on me after dropping me hints of wanting to “live independently” for half a year. After me providing for us for the last four years, she finally was getting her own career. And the day she had the job interview in another town 300 miles away, she decided to have her way with another man.

After digging up the truth for weeks – and being blamed for being paranoid – she finally told the truth. I first was angry but then supportive. Which again made her scared of me. She was scared because I was taking it so well!

She didn’t want to fix our problems so I agreed to break off. Because of our history, and because I am a nice guy, I helped her a lot on the move and let her live with me “as friends”.

So when the moving day to her new job came, we were again good friends, and sort of had a break down and decided to maybe try again – without really being together, but not not-together either…. so in a relationship limbo?

But after living some lonely weekdays and tense weekends togeter – with that all those unresolved issues, I told her that I want us to be just friends. She told that it came out of nowhere and she had tought that we would try to fix up thing. Well so did I, but since we didn’t have any plans “when to fix it”, I just started to feel more and more depressed.

She was pissed at first and told me “I was making the biggest mistake ever” for quitting her and that “my problems would follow me to future relationships”. She was also very sad… but told that “this was it”.

Now after couple weeks she called me, crying and hyperventilating how she wants me back for good. How she won’t be able to love anyone else and so on. She said she made a big mistake and wants to work things up. She says I can’t remember the good things we had. And how it is impossible we didn’t love each other. “Why can’t we fix something if we want to?” she cried.

The truth is, that I have already talked to some girls.. and realized that maybe there is another woman there who would love me.

I told her, that it takes more than “want” to make an effort, and the thing I can agree to, is to go to counceling with her – without making any promises. But we could figure out what “went wrong” and what do we want. Before she hadn’t agreed to counceling because she wanted me to “commit to relationship first”.

My friends and parents tell me to dump her to protect my self. But she has history of mental issues, and she is telling that it was some “condition” she was suffering when she did the deed. I am soon 30 years old, so I would really want to settle down, get kids and so on… I just can’t see my self being un-anxious with her again. Maybe the counceling could “fix that”. But am I hurting her more by going through it if I don’t feel anything but pity and sadness towards her now?

Beaten dog who still wags his tail?

dear BDWSWHT,

the first thing i want to make very clear is that you owe her nothing. not even after 5 years. maybe not even ESPECIALLY after 5 years. you are not required to drag this out any longer just because she is having a panic attack about her future; which is exactly what this sounds like to me.

she got the benefit of using you (whether on purpose or not, i cannot say) while she got her life together. the fact that she cheated on you and pulled away right as she was about to grasp her career/financial independence is very suspicious, in my never humble opinion.

if you really see some value in counseling and want the relationship back, then that could be the right answer, too.

BUT

if you are only considering this because of some sense of obligation to the history you have with her and the fact that she is upset, then you are free to let it go.

i can only go on what you’ve told me, but it certainly sounds like it’s the security you provide that she wants back, not you. i know that sounds awful. probably because it is awful and you deserve someone who wants you for you and not as safety net.

if you do choose to walk away, make it a clean break or she will just continue to mess with your head.

oh so sincerely,

sharideth

any other thoughts for our friend?

for more on this please see:

ending a long term relationship

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14 comments on “dear sharideth: My Ex Wants Me Back

  1. Rachel says:

    I couldn’t agree with you more, Sherideth. Break free. Permanently. She will heal in time. She needs to get through the panicking phase and not be able to jump back in where she feels safe, because she probably won’t ever face her deeper root issues that way. She needs to face loss and accept that she made some serious mistakes and grow from them. She needs a chance to really heal and grow, and she probably won’t be able to do that being back in her safety net, where she may only find the freedom to cheat again when the moment seizes her in the future. It’s time for her to face it alone for a while and figure out the type of woman she really wants to be.

  2. Max says:

    Dude, you are suffering from “nice guy syndrome” Go out ASAP and get a copy of “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert Glover.

  3. Dirk says:

    You are wise to see that it takes more than want to make an effort!

    If I had to throw out a guess, I would say she doesn’t want you. She needs you because you are an escape from the career crisis and other problems. If that is the case, the best thing for her is to be dumped and stay dumped. Either she’s stranded, and won’t get over it, in which case you don’t want to be with that sort of person, or she’ll get over it and maybe just maybe grow.

    And her notion of committing to a relationship without agreeing to counseling is BS. That screams “CRAZY GIRL” in flashing neon that makes Vegas look subtle. I’m living proof that crazy girls will use guys as an escape and that being in a relationship with the crazy girl is not the way to help her. It just feeds into the craziness.

  4. BELLA says:

    Hello everyone,who still cares about his/her ex-lover,I am BELLA MORRISON from London i never thought my ex will come back to me again,i am very happy at last that my ex-lover now husband is back to me,who left me six months to our wedding just because of some little misunderstanding,But today we are married and we are experting our little baby,i sincerely want to say thanks to Dr MAXI for helping me cast the spell that brings him back to me,i am grateful and happier than never before,Thank You Doctor for helping me,email maxispelltemple@yahoo.com,if you still love or want your ex-lover back.

  5. marilyn says:

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  6. Victors says:

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  8. mabel caro says:

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  9. Natasha says:

    I’m so greatfull I want to share my testimony about how I got my ex back
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  11. thynaya says:

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  12. My name is Lamis Ghazali i am from United States, I was i a relationship with Ben and we loved and cherished ourselves for 6 good years and every thing was going on smoothly but February 14, a day i can call a lovers day we both had misunderstanding because i answered a call from a guy that is asking me out for a date but i refused,and he told me that the relationship is over and that he is fed up with me and i begged him because i love him so much but he refused me i was so down cast and i felt the world has come to an end for me but my friend told me about a Dr OSIAN that helped her sister out in getting her relationship back,a good job and favor in any of her endeavor but at first i was scared but i have to give this man a trial because i love Ben very much and i am not willing to loose him to any woman,so i ordered returning my love spell from this great spell caster that made me a happy woman again to say it all my ex is came back to me with much love and a caring heart…i am testifying to this great Dr OSIAN of Goddess. if you need his help you can contact him on osianspelltemple@yahoo.com

  13. An amazing testimony on a spell caster who brought my wife back to me..
    My name is Andy Sowers,i live in Australia,and I’m happily married to a lovely and caring wife,with two kids.A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my wife.so terrible that she took the case to court for a divorce.she said that she never wanted to stay with me again,and that she didn’t love me anymore.So she packed out of my house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get her back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and she confirmed it that she has made her decision,and she never wanted to see me again.
    So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my wife.So i explained every thing to her,so she told me that the only way i can get my wife back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for her too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow her advice. Then she gave me the email address of the spell caster whom she visited.{tataspelltemple@gmail.com}.
    So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address she gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my wife back the next day.What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my wife who didn’t call me for the past seven {7}months,gave me a call to inform me that she was coming back.So Amazing!! So that was how she came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and she apologized for her mistake,and for the pain she caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster.
    So, i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same website {tataspelltemple@gmail.com},if you are in any condition like this,or you have any problem related to “bringing your ex back.
    So thanks to the tatalovespellcaster for bringing back my wife,and brought great joy to my family once again.
    {tataspelltemple@gmail.com},
    Thanks…

  14. Hello my name is Miss Catherine I want to give a testimony about my HIV virus that was cured by a great spell caster. Since last 4 months I have being a HIV AID patient. I never think I live long again and am so grateful about him DR.TATA who cured my HIV AIDS last 3 weeks. I was in a great pain so I told one of my best friends; he told me that there is a great spell caster that can cure my HIV. I asked her if she had his email, she gave me his email, I emailed him he talked to me and he perform the necessary rituals and he told me that after two weeks I should go for a test. Which I did, when the doctor told me that am now a HIV negative I couldn’t believe myself I went to see another doctor the result was still the same, I was human on planet earth, so I emailed him and thanked him. Please if you are having a similar problem please visit him/ You can call him, on his number:+2348108737816.OR
    contact email: tataspeltemple@gmail.com

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