today’s dear sharideth is a follow up to “dear sharideth: Fighting Fire with Fire”.
The break up was 2 and a half months ago. I broke up with her for valid reasons, had the support of everyone I knew in doing so, and had given her way more than ample time to deal with the problems before finally ending things.
I went for a clean break, but we both go to the same church functions regularly and neither of us is going to quit just because the other person is present. The result is that if she knows where I am going or where I’m going to be, she’s there, waiting. She just stares at me with the saddest face she can muster, I ignore her, and if it goes on for too long, she tries to strike up a conversation. I wave, say “hey”, and carry on with life.
I made it very clear in the break up that “still being friends” is just a myth that doesn’t actually work out, and that I have no further interest in her, but she’s literally stalking me. When I leave the church sanctuary, she’s pacing outside the doors, staring at me. I take back doors when possible.
OK, that’s my rant. I’m doing my best to not give her any hope of a renewed relationship, but she’s still after me. Absolute minimum contact possible. My frustration says I should take her aside and ask her to just give up and leave me alone, but I’m still trying to keep things decently polite. I just want her to move on.
What the heck do I do?
-Stalked By My Ex-
the answer to this one is pretty simple, but it isn’t going to be fun. however it doesn’t exactly sound like you’re having a blast right now anyway, so…
the time for gentleness is over. i know you’ve tried to be nice about all this, but something has got to give. what i’m about to tell you do isn’t meanness. it’s directness.
there is a difference, though some people would argue that.
they’d be wrong, but they’d argue it anyway.
you’re going to have to take her aside and tell her to stop showing up and hovering everywhere you are. use those words if you need to. also tell her she’s only making an already uncomfortable situation unbearably awkward. there is no “if you don’t stop” in your case since you run in the same circles and attend the same church. there is only embarrassing her by telling her she’s making a fool of herself.
now THAT sounds mean, but it’s not. no matter how you point out her awkward making behavior, she’s going to be embarrassed and upset. you need to be prepared for that. but you also have to remember that anything short of getting what she wants from you is not going to make her feel like rainbows and butterflies.
i was her once and i had a good friend tell me to knock it off because i was making an ass of myself. changed my life. literally.
now, you don’t have to tell her she’s making an ass of herself, but you need to directly communicate the same sentiment.
if she doesn’t stop the stalking or (God forbid) she escalates in any way, you’re going to have to bring someone with some authority (preferably a woman) into the situation to talk to her. it’s kind of the relationship version of the “two or three witnesses” thing only you don’t have to go as far as the whole church discipline route.
if it becomes necessary, bringing in a third party should do the trick.
brace yourself. it’s not going to be pretty.
oh so sincerely,
any other advice for our poor soul? suggestions on what to say?
ever been on either side of this situation?