this is less “dear sharideth” and more “i met a drunk gay man in a bar and he started asking me questions about dating”.
so i bought him a glass of water and put out my 5 cent Dr Is
Out In sign a la Lucy and had a conversation.
just for the record, every time i said something he thought was the most brilliant thing he’d ever heard (remember, he was loaded) he would grasp my hand. there was a lot of hand grasping. i may have also used the phrase “You are a grown ass gay man.” more than once.
his primary conflict was this:
is it okay to just enjoy someone’s company because they’re attractive even though you know you are both in totally different stages of life and a long term relationship would never work?
oh boy. literally in this case.
here’s my thoughts in list form. imagine grasping my hand whenever you feel like it.
1. check your motivations. why are you wanting to hang out with someone who wants completely different things than you do? an ego stroke? to get laid? because he/she might go with you to see that movie that makes you an embarrassment to your friends? because you’re lonely? because you’re flattered? some other reason that doesn’t sound like a terrible idea?
2. does this person want more or less out of a relationship than you do? you really need to be sure whether you are the serious one or not. are you the one wanting to keep things light or are you the one that is totally over casual dating. seems like an easy question, but people are crazy good at fooling themselves, so take a minute before you answer.
3. is the time you are going to spend on that person something you are willing to surrender with no hope of a future? hold on to your butts…answering “yes” is perfectly acceptable here. it’s actually not a crime to go on a date simply for the good time of it. you just have to decide if that’s for you. which leads us to…
4. do you value your time as much as you value yourself? is the good, yet finite, time worth it to you in the long run or should you be focusing your time and attention on what you really want? i can’t answer that for you. but question #2 can probably help you out some.
long bar conversation and much hand grasping later, i summed it up with this:
casual dating is fine. it can be spontaneous and fun and you don’t have to think much about it the next day. and let me be clear, when i say “dating” i do not mean “sex”, so don’t translate it that way. if you want someone to be on board with casual sex, i, my friend, am not your girl. but hanging out and enjoying each others company is allowable all the time.
until that is no longer satisfying.
when jumping from datable person to datable person is no longer appealing, you may have just become a grown up.
go ahead. grasp my hand. it’s all right.
all my love,
what are you thoughts on dating someone who wants a completely different relationship than you do?