cold feet are a sign of a short marriage?

i’m scrapping the dear sharideth for today because i need more time to decide exactly what i want to say in my response. i’ll post it tomorrow or wednesday. so there.

instead i am stealing an article posted by Knox McCoy on his Monday Morning Meatloaf and we’ll see what happens with that.

it’s called Got Cold Feet? It May Signal a Short Marriage and you can read the whole thing by clicking anywhere on that title thank you internet.

here’s the gist:

“…the authors conclude: “Doubt should not simply be dismissed as a normative experience or viewed as something that will go away once partners make a commitment to each other. Rather, feelings of premarital uncertainty should be validated, taken seriously and used as an opportunity for exploration.”

In other words, women with a serious case of cold feet might want to turn them around and run the other way.”

interestingly enough, the study says that men with cold feet are not as indicative of a marriage doomed to fail as are women with cold feet. it says, “In fact, a bride’s pre-wedding doubts more than double the odds of divorce…”

weird right?

what it doesn’t say is why that might be.

so i thought it might delightful to battle that out here. SEX WARS, IGNITE!

or whatever.

why do you think women with doubts are more indicative of divorce than men with doubts?

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15 comments on “cold feet are a sign of a short marriage?

  1. From what I’ve seen, when a guy is done, he is more apt to walk away.
    Women seem less apt to walk away unless there is somebody else. Not always the case but I’ve seen that in the relationships around me. :/

  2. Honestly, I think women are taught from a very young age the value of relationships (whether friendship, family, or romantic in nature). And we seem a bit more programmed towards monogamy than men. So, a women with cold feet it a touch more scary than a man with cold feet. i.e. If she has cold feet, it won’t bode well; she might love the big white dress more than the groom…

  3. Jenn says:

    I think the question that should be asked is where are the doubts coming from? Are they based in a reality that she almost is at understanding or doesn’t want to see or just stress and social expectations. They both need to be worked out with the help of a third party but I think the first source of doubt, one that I have experienced myself is definitely the foundation for divorce. My cold feet were rooted in a need to get out, I just didn’t really know why or could articulate it, cannot even truly to this day after years of counselling tell you why I said yes in the first place, but after all the planning was done and we just had to wait until the day I could not think of anything else at my core than “stop this all, I want to stop it all.” Maybe that is the biggest problem, doubt or no doubt I think engaged couples feel like there is too much at stake to pull out and they hope it will all rectify itself. It won’t.

  4. Jess says:

    Massive stereotyping about to happen in this comment. But since in general guys are seen as commitmentphobes, his cold feet could just be asking himself, “am I really ready to settle down with one person forever?” Whereas, since women in general are seen as in favor of commitment and more disposed towards marriage than not, her cold feet might be doubts about the person she’s marrying, and/or problems related to their relationship.

  5. I think the reason behind this may be linked with the fact that men are basically EXPECTED to have wedding nerves and therefore their nerves derive, in part, from this expectation and the seeing of movies etc. where men are terrified of getting married. This demonstrates that their wedding gitters are not as servere. Women, on the other had are more logical and are the ones who plan most of the wedding and many use it to allow them to procreate in the traditional way. This implies that if a woman has wedding nerves these may be more serious than the men’s expected nerves.

  6. I’m not really sure I have anything worthwhile to add, but I noticed that every comment thus far (UNTIL THIS ONE, wise guy) has been from a woman. IT MUST MEAN SOMETHING.

  7. asoulwalker says:

    Emotions and doubts go hand in hand. Who listens to their emotions more?

  8. Dirk says:

    I would say it might have to do with a woman’s intuition*. Women find reasons to support their intuition.

    If the bride has cold feet, her intuition says the marriage is doomed, so she’s gonna start hunting for reasons to say it’s doomed. She’ll be trying to find a reason to back up her intuition, thus making it more likely to fail…

    If the groom has cold feet, he’ll probably just tell himself to man up.

    I’m not saying that women are making up issues to support their intuition and start a divorce, but the intuition may lead to assumptions that some issues cannot be worked out, making a divorce more likely.

    *Disclaimer: this is my understanding of how women think and reason and just an outsider looking in, having never been married. If I’m utterly wrong, just tell me.

  9. I think that Dirk’s reason is probably pretty close. I think men will tell themselves to “man up” while women will tell themselves that their doubts must be legitimate.

    I feel the need to add that through true covenantal commitment, any doubt or fear can be overcome. Love, after all, is not a feeling. It’s an action and a choice.

  10. jonnybgood says:

    so i guess you got the award when you got wisdome for it is itself worth a higher value than rubies

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