dear sharideth: I Am the Crazy Girl part 2

dear Crazy Girl,

hopefully what my super smart former babysitter/current friend had to say helped you out some yesterday. her story is so much heavier than you can possibly know and she is coming out the other side just fine. if she can find her way, so can you. all i’m going to do today is give you a couple of thoughts on checking your reality based on what you had to say in your letter.

brace yourself because there’s going to be a little lot of tough love, my dear.

and before you panic and/or think what i have to say is unfair, insensitive or that i’m just a bitch, keep one thing in mind. if it didn’t matter to me that you get better and move forward to the healthy life you want and deserve, i would simply say nothing and let you flounder. but that’s not the case. just ask my friends. i do the same thing to them. i do want you to have/feel/experience all that life has to offer in the happiest, rainbow-filled, Julie-Andrews-spinning-on-a-mountain-top sorta way, but to get there you need to own a few things.

ready?

too bad. it’s going to happen anyway. *emoticon*

1. no more being a victim – my friend said in her letter to you that you feel abandonment because your father died and that’s normal and she’s absolutely right. what’s not normal is crossing the line into feeling victimized by it, which i get the sense you have done. terrible things happen to people every day and lots of those people choose to not be defeated by them. at 12 there was no way for you to cognitively and emotionally make that choice, especially when you were actually victimized at 15. but you can now. the longer you continue to see yourself as a victim, the longer you’ll be one. 

2. own your role in negativity in your life – you say all the wrong in your life is your fault and that’s total b.s. it isn’t. and frankly you know it isn’t but it’s easier to wallow. so stop that. you do need to own a few things though. you feel betrayed by your last boyfriend because he wasn’t able to follow through on his promise to never leave you. i’ll get to the why of that in a second but first you need to understand one thing very clearly. no one can make that promise and mean it. no one. you could fall into the lap of the most perfect man to have ever lived (sans Jesus) and he could love you and care for you and make everything absolute heaven then get hit by a bus while walking across the street to buy you flowers. there are no guarantees. ever. every day that you can look at as a gift is one day that truly is a gift.

as for your boyfriend, you simply asked too much of him. your constant fear of him doing the things your previous boyfriend did was completely unfair and he reached his limit. it happens. he was ill-equipped to deal with what you were throwing at him. the words of your letter want to let him off the hook and take the blame on yourself, but the tone of your letter clearly indicates how deeply you feel abandoned and betrayed by him. you can’t have it both ways. i’m sure he wasn’t perfect, nobody is, but you need to forgive him those imperfections and you also need to forgive him for not being able to follow through. it sounds like he tried, so let it go.

ask your counselor to work with you on trust and learning how to not transfer previous hurts so completely into new relationships.

3. God is not people – i’m going to tell you something i once told my brother. God is not people. he is not fallible in the way that people are and you can not hold Him responsible for what they do. free will and all that. however, you are totally responsible for the relationship you have or don’t have have with Him. people can suck. God can only love. and, my friend, He’s right next you. He’s never left. you’re just choosing not to see Him. it’s easier to convince yourself He’s not there than it is to tell the Creator of the Universe that you’re really furious with Him. feel free to rage at Him and tell him how angry you are with Him and how hurt. trust me, He’s heard it all before and He already knows your heart. it won’t make Him love you less, it will only make Him glad to hear your voice.

4. life isn’t safe – ever. but the one thing you can not do is live in constant fear of what might be next. if my family history is any indication, there’s a better than average chance i’m going to end up with some form of cancer before my life is over. but i rarely even think about that. why? because i have today and today is pretty great. fear of what might be is the best joy ruiner i’ve ever encountered. the past dealt you a crappy hand. no doubt about that. but you are now a grown woman who solely owns the power to look at the future as a fresh canvas.

i know i didn’t give you a step by step plan to emotional wellness. i can’t do that. but what i can do is tell you to try to react differently when you feel the crazy coming on. no matter how much you want to freak out, only do and say what falls in the realm of reasonable. if you can’t, bite your tongue and take a breath before doing something you will most assuredly regret. eventually, reacting reasonably will become the habit. it won’t be over night, but it will happen.

how do i know? because i’ve done it. i was the crazy girl, too.

oh so sincerely,

sharideth

what helps you when you feel unreasonable? how do you handle it?

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9 comments on “dear sharideth: I Am the Crazy Girl part 2

  1. JB says:

    “God is not people.” Amen sister.

  2. “eventually, reacting reasonably will become the habit. it won’t be over night, but it will happen.” – I would only add to this that when you do react unreasonably, part of making reacting reasonably a habit is reacting reasonably to having reacted unreasonably. Which means skipping the “I’m a failure, I can’t do this!” reaction in favor of the “Apologize to those that had to deal with my crazy and see what trigger I need to watch for in future. I’ll do it right next time.” reaction. Ever see one of those classic boxing films where the hero spends more time knocked on the mat than on his feet, but keeps getting back up again over and over till he wins? That’s the person you want to fight to be till you become the one that doesn’t get knocked down much anymore. A setback only becomes a failure if you quit.

    I second everything Sharideth said about God not being people. I would add that we have to be cautious of judging God’s goodness based on whether He does what we want Him to do and takes the pain away when we want it gone. God’s got your whole life in view. He knows how He can get you from where you are now to where He means for you to be. Sometimes that pathway lies through the pain rather than around it. Sharideth’s friend from part 1 could not have said “I know what you’re going through” if God had prevented any of that from happening to her. He knows now what the outcome will be of everything you’re experiencing, and how He can bring you to a good destination if you allow Him to do so. Maybe you finding Sharideth is part of God’s way of reaching out to you and showing you He’s right there.

  3. Nancy says:

    Oh Sharideth- Thank you a million times over and thanks to the girl who bravely & candidly allowed part of her story to be shared. I was somehow ‘blessed’ with 3 crazy parents. (Step-parent in the equation.) I’m currently at a point where I know the forgiveness I’m having trouble mustering. I want to be rid of all this bitterness/hurt, so I found a (biblical) licensed counselor through my church. She worked with me on the fees, but even so, I consider that a worthwhile investment. I’ve figured out that I’m not crazy, or ill, but a lot of things that happened to me left a crazy/bigger mess than I was equipped to clean up alone.

    God’s been patient and compassionate with me and has encouraged me to be candid with Him. He already knows. He understands my hurts, and is helping me realize that He loves me so much more than to allow me to settle for a shallow existence. I don’t understand why, but there are times when I’ll just cry out, “Why?” To the young lady starting her healing process, remember your Savior cried out, “why?”. God’s taught me not to stay there at the why, but to move forward into the good He can create from what might have been intended for evil. These things didn’t rob your worth, make you any less of a woman of God or at all inferior to the girls you see around you who have dads still in the picture, or went straight from their Father’s roof to their husband’s. Those girls aren’t any more shallow than us either. There will come a point when God can allow your heart to truly be happy for them, too, and rejoice that blessings came their way.

    It’s tough not to feel passed by or forgotten, but if you find the time, visit some of the Old Testament- and Joseph’s story (Gen. 37 -talk about a crummy family!) or Job, or Sarai (Gen. 11). There are great things God wants you to accomplish, and it’s not so crazy to think that He loves you enough to want what’s best for you.

  4. kp says:

    A lot of people are encouraging counseling by someone in the church. I’m saying get to counseling regardless. Sometimes it’s good to go to someone outside of the church who encourages you to find strength in yourself outside of what is “godly”. People who are codependent and play the victim can often times just blame when things are going poorly on the church, their Christian relationships, or their relationship with God. When you approach the therapy without that aspect, you can be strong in yourself and all blame you can usually point falls solely on you. But, that’s just my opinion. And opinions are like buttholes. Everyone has one and no one really wants to hear what comes out of them.

    • Jenn says:

      I agree, I have to say I have found having a counsellor who was faith sensitive but in a secular context has been the perfect fit for me. When I started 5 years ago and even to some degree now I needed to not have God as part of the digging and sorting and figuring out process of life. I was fine for him to sit in the corner and listen but it wasn’t about him, I needed to figure out what was I felt. I knew I had been using the I’m a Christian girl this is my default emotion in this situation, too long schick.

    • Nancy says:

      Great point. I was reluctant to seek someone in the church for counseling. Sometimes it is great to have someone you’ll only see in the privacy of their office and not on Sunday morning. I set out to find a legitimate licensed professional counselor or Psychologist, and after narrowing it down to a few providers, I accidentally stumbled across the webpage of the LPC I’m now seeing. It just so happened that she operated through the ministry of the church I now attend.

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