dear Crazy Girl,
hopefully what my super smart former babysitter/current friend had to say helped you out some yesterday. her story is so much heavier than you can possibly know and she is coming out the other side just fine. if she can find her way, so can you. all i’m going to do today is give you a couple of thoughts on checking your reality based on what you had to say in your letter.
brace yourself because there’s going to be a
little lot of tough love, my dear.
and before you panic and/or think what i have to say is unfair, insensitive or that i’m just a bitch, keep one thing in mind. if it didn’t matter to me that you get better and move forward to the healthy life you want and deserve, i would simply say nothing and let you flounder. but that’s not the case. just ask my friends. i do the same thing to them. i do want you to have/feel/experience all that life has to offer in the happiest, rainbow-filled, Julie-Andrews-spinning-on-a-mountain-top sorta way, but to get there you need to own a few things.
too bad. it’s going to happen anyway. *emoticon*
1. no more being a victim – my friend said in her letter to you that you feel abandonment because your father died and that’s normal and she’s absolutely right. what’s not normal is crossing the line into feeling victimized by it, which i get the sense you have done. terrible things happen to people every day and lots of those people choose to not be defeated by them. at 12 there was no way for you to cognitively and emotionally make that choice, especially when you were actually victimized at 15. but you can now. the longer you continue to see yourself as a victim, the longer you’ll be one.
2. own your role in negativity in your life – you say all the wrong in your life is your fault and that’s total b.s. it isn’t. and frankly you know it isn’t but it’s easier to wallow. so stop that. you do need to own a few things though. you feel betrayed by your last boyfriend because he wasn’t able to follow through on his promise to never leave you. i’ll get to the why of that in a second but first you need to understand one thing very clearly. no one can make that promise and mean it. no one. you could fall into the lap of the most perfect man to have ever lived (sans Jesus) and he could love you and care for you and make everything absolute heaven then get hit by a bus while walking across the street to buy you flowers. there are no guarantees. ever. every day that you can look at as a gift is one day that truly is a gift.
as for your boyfriend, you simply asked too much of him. your constant fear of him doing the things your previous boyfriend did was completely unfair and he reached his limit. it happens. he was ill-equipped to deal with what you were throwing at him. the words of your letter want to let him off the hook and take the blame on yourself, but the tone of your letter clearly indicates how deeply you feel abandoned and betrayed by him. you can’t have it both ways. i’m sure he wasn’t perfect, nobody is, but you need to forgive him those imperfections and you also need to forgive him for not being able to follow through. it sounds like he tried, so let it go.
ask your counselor to work with you on trust and learning how to not transfer previous hurts so completely into new relationships.
3. God is not people – i’m going to tell you something i once told my brother. God is not people. he is not fallible in the way that people are and you can not hold Him responsible for what they do. free will and all that. however, you are totally responsible for the relationship you have or don’t have have with Him. people can suck. God can only love. and, my friend, He’s right next you. He’s never left. you’re just choosing not to see Him. it’s easier to convince yourself He’s not there than it is to tell the Creator of the Universe that you’re really furious with Him. feel free to rage at Him and tell him how angry you are with Him and how hurt. trust me, He’s heard it all before and He already knows your heart. it won’t make Him love you less, it will only make Him glad to hear your voice.
4. life isn’t safe – ever. but the one thing you can not do is live in constant fear of what might be next. if my family history is any indication, there’s a better than average chance i’m going to end up with some form of cancer before my life is over. but i rarely even think about that. why? because i have today and today is pretty great. fear of what might be is the best joy ruiner i’ve ever encountered. the past dealt you a crappy hand. no doubt about that. but you are now a grown woman who solely owns the power to look at the future as a fresh canvas.
i know i didn’t give you a step by step plan to emotional wellness. i can’t do that. but what i can do is tell you to try to react differently when you feel the crazy coming on. no matter how much you want to freak out, only do and say what falls in the realm of reasonable. if you can’t, bite your tongue and take a breath before doing something you will most assuredly regret. eventually, reacting reasonably will become the habit. it won’t be over night, but it will happen.
how do i know? because i’ve done it. i was the crazy girl, too.
oh so sincerely,
what helps you when you feel unreasonable? how do you handle it?