i sometimes watch daytime television. what? i work from home and if i’m feeling a little down, i watch an episode of Maury and suddenly my life looks like it’s fanned by angel wings and kissed by Lucky Charms. it works. you should try it. don’t judge me.
anyway, i end up watching more Judge Judy than the average person, probably, and have learned many valuable lessons about relationships.
p.s. Judge Judy Sheindlin is badass and i will fight you if you disagree.
dating wisdom from Judge Judy:
1. don’t buy a car together – want to end up having Judge Judy calling you a moron in front of millions of people and being right about it? then purchase a car together when you’re only dating. the relationship ends, but the loan doesn’t. one or the other of you stops making payments and what should have been the ending of probably a bad idea anyway, ends up in court.
2. don’t get on the same phone plan – no sharing phone plans! you’d be surprised how much damage a vindictive ex can do to your credit by f#$*ing with your phone plan. “but we’re in love and trust each other!” shut up. if you do this, you deserve whatever fresh hell erupts in your sorry, sorry life.
3. don’t loan each other money or at least get it in writing – the Bible isn’t just being ambiguously wise when it says, “neither a borrower or a lender be”. i don’t see anything in that phrasing that says it’s a suggestion. that one should have been written on a stone tablet and everyone in the history of ever should be have to smacked in the head with it. i don’t care how long you’ve been dating, if you loan your sugarpie money, get repayment terms in writing. if you are borrowing, you’d better be willing to sign in blood that you are honorable enough to make good on it.
4. don’t move in together and expect courts to sort out your stuff when your relationship gets flushed – living together is not marriage. rage at me all you want about “it’s just a piece a paper!” and i will call bullshit every. single. time. if you end up in Judge Judy’s courtroom trying to divide up possessions that you purchased together while living in sin, she’s going to say, “The law makes no provision for the distribution of possessions purchased during cohabitation.” and she’s right. of course she’s right. she’s smarter than you are.
5. give the ring back – if you get engaged and that engagement ends, ladies, by law in most states, you have to give the ring back. or pay him for it. an engagement ring is “a token given in expectation of marriage”. if that expectation is not met, the ring goes back to the purchaser. if your state does not legally require the ring to go back, be decent and give it back anyway or i will sentence you to a life of forever being called “butt munch”.
i’ll say it again, dating is not marriage, no matter how long you’ve been together. and don’t throw the whole common law thing in my face because the number of legally recognized common law marriages is WAY smaller than the number of people who claim to be in a common law marriage. the overwhelming statistics err on the side of “if you ain’t married, you ain’t got no married rights”.
thinking of making one these seriously stupid mistakes? watch a couple episodes of Judge Judy and think about it again.
have you ever gotten yourself tangled up with anything like the examples while dating?
what’s your favorite daytime, guilty pleasure TV show?