the 4 types of jealousy

don’t get me wrong, i know this cartoon is terrible. that’s why i chose it.

whoo boy!  jealousy can wreak some major carnage in a relationship.  it can be the human host for alien offspring; incubating,  just waiting to erupt and blow chunks and green slime everywhere.  or it can be the alien.

what the frack, sharideth?

okay, i’ll drop the sci-fi analogy.  probably.  maybe.  we’ll see.

in other non-iwatchtoomuchscifichannel words, jealousy can be created in a person or it can just be part of who they are.  either way, it’s totally no bueno.

jealousy is a meter.  it measures trust and security.  a relationship with a full tank of both, has no room for jealousy.

but jealousy appears for different reasons.  feel a list coming on? because i sure do.

  1. control –jealousy can be used as a tool to control who you talk to, where you go and what you do.  she won’t want you to do anything that might take you away from her, so she freaks right out.  either you figure out how to break her of it, or you walk away.  the only other option is to hand over your testicles and plan on doing exactly what she tells you for the rest of your life.
  2. fear –her insecurity might be at defcon 5.  this is not unmanageable, but you’re going to have to work pretty hard to establish that you are trustworthy and that she is worthy period.  be where you say you’re going to be and with who you say you are going to be with, so she has nothing to fear.  she’s not trying to control you in this case, she’s just honestly afraid she can’t hold your interest because of her own lack of self-confidence.
  3. manipulation – this comes from the girl who constantly tries to make you jealous.  she gets an ego stroke from upsetting you because it somehow proves to her that you’re still interested enough to be bothered by other men.  the hag.  if your girl is doing this, either have a serious ultimatum conversation, or just get out.  there is no good that can come from this.
  4. indication – this…this is the only one that could prove useful and is also, by far, the most painful.  it’s the jealousy that begins because someone is actually being unfaithful and something in you is reacting to what you won’t admit to yourself yet.  ugh.  horrible.  but if this is happening to you, look deeper.  ask the questions you’ve been avoiding.  this is not a jealousy you want to ignore.

okay, i feel like there’s two other blogs that have to be written after this one…the signs of jealousy and the signs you’re being cheated on, but those are for another day.

i did write Poison Ivy already if you want to have a look at what a really jealous girl looks like.

but for now, just take a look at yourself and/or your significant other and see if jealousy is playing a role in your relationship.  if it is, shut it down.  it never ends well.  and by “shut it down”, i mean the jealousy itself, not the relationship.  however, that might have to happen if you can’t get the jealousy under control.

if you are the one inflicting your jealous ways on the relationship, knock it off before you lose what could be a really good thing or before you wear her down to becoming a person she no longer respects.

ladies, excessive jealously from a man is not flattering.  it can feel that way, but make no mistake, that kind of jealousy from a man is solely about himself and his status.  it does not come from any noble intention to protect you or display of affection.  it often is also the first sign that you are dating an abuser.  keep that in mind.

what are some other types of jealousy?

have you ever been in a jealous relationship?

oh and…

that’s better…

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8 comments on “the 4 types of jealousy

  1. jowistinks says:

    My computer’s dripping with the beverage I was trying to enjoy. Thanks a lot. Perfect mixture of delightfully snarky humor and some wonderfully sound advice. Major kudos! 🙂

  2. I don’t think jealousy is all bad. The four kinds you distinguish are all results of jealousy not handled well. Whenever some jerk calls my girlfriend and immediately asks whether she’s still not single, should I not care at all? I feel when jealousy is kept within healthy borders, a lack of jealousy could be worse.

    I might be brainwashed a little, for Tim Keller explains jealousy quite some times in his work. If God can be jealous, why couldn’t we?

    • jowistinks says:

      Personally, I think you really SHOULDN’T care if some jerk does that, because *ideally* you should feel secure enough within your relationship to know that your girlfriend would never leave you for someone else. It’s not about just “getting mad” at someone who is flirting with your significant other; jealousy within the context of a relationship implies a lack of trust that said significant other is not fully committed to you. I find that jealousy is unhealthy, period, in all relationships, as it is rooted in envy and the desire to possess.

      • To me, it has nothing to do with insecurity. In this case, that is. I’m mad because he is being a jerk, unworthy of her attention. Not because he is talking to her, not because I feel like I possess her, or least of all, because I wouldn’t trust her. It’s because I’d only want the best for her. Relationship and flirtingwise, that’s me and I’ll make really sure to keep being the best. In other contacts, that could be anyone that is good to her, excluding said caller. Jealousy as I tried to describe it, is rooted in that desire to see her uplifted in any situation. It involves the same way of trusting and letting go as the mentioned-above form of jealousy. I don’t control who she talks to, I’d never want to.

        Jowistinks, imagine we’re in a relationship. One day you are holding my phone and some girl I had long forgotten about is sending me naked pictures (you can see how hypothetical this is). I don’t care about her, but wouldn’t you allow yourself any kind of jealousy? Besides fully trusting me (you’re having a relationship with me, after all), isn’t there a sense that those sort of things should be just between the two of us?

    • And to pick up jowistinks’ statement and your comment on God together:

      jowistinks said “jealousy within the context of a relationship implies a lack of trust that said significant other is not fully committed to you.”

      God had reason to lack trust in the Israelites. They WERE not fully committed to Him (not speaking of every individual, just of the national history). Send Moses up the mountain to get the law, come back down, boom. Golden calf cavorting going on. Conquer 3 tribes by the power of God? Let’s start worshipping their deities (that failed to protect them from us). See a pretty foreign girl? Marry her and start worshipping her deity (which is precisely the reason God gave them for not marrying foreigners). Had a political split and God’s Temple is in the other king’s territory? Boom, let’s try the golden calf thing again. That snake on a pole God had Moses make as a symbol of the punishment for unfaithfulness to Him? Let’s worship that too.

      (I’m gonna take this moment to blame Sharideth for the presence of boom in my vocabulary)

      Not caring at all might be apathy. But if you perceive the other guy’s flirting as a threat to you, it can be an indicator of insecurity on your part (whether with or without reason). If you don’t feel threatened but only find his behavior inappropriate, that’s not really jealousy in the sense being talked about here, I think. But it can turn into jealousy and bitterness if you dwell on it and find it consuming your thoughts.

      God’s “brook no rivals” jealousy is also rooted in His position as sovereign Creator, which grants Him rights over us that differ from the relationship we have with spouses, and even moreso with girlfriends/boyfriends. And His “jealous” behavior towards Israel was rooted in both their promises as a nation to be faithful to Him and His desire to protect them from the consequences of unfaithfulness and the deception of false gods that would lead them into sin and ruin. His motivation is always righteous and His feelings towards us always pure; we can’t say the same in our own relationships.

      • You clarify things a great deal to me on the theological level. You do mention how ‘that’s not really jealousy in the sense being talked about here’. I have sought a distinction between types of jealousy, too. If you dismiss the sort that really deserves a nuanced English word (or Dutch, for that matter, as there isn’t a more nuanced word for jealousy here either), you seem to dismiss quite a bit of my argument as well. I still believe, after I altered my theological point, that there is a line guarding relationships that others shouldn’t cross. The feelings I get from inappropriate behavior towards the relationship I have with my girlfriend can be viewed as jealousy, but I still feel there’s a difference between what has been described above and the feeling I get when someone crosses that line.

        I now wonder whether this means I did the post no justice, as it was good in itself.

        • jonnybgood says:

          ok this is the normal response in society today … how ever false it might be.
          as the purpose of walls in relationships that people put up when they are hurt so they are not hurt again;
          so is the reason for jealousy it is said in the bible that i am His and He is mine. (referring to the ownership role that happens for the saved tho I’m not getting in to a christian thing unless asked , but none the less.) when you get married, she does become yours and you become hers… ie the earthly object of your affections and you are to become one
          its really a picture of salvation. and if men will love their wives with that kind of love the world will never see the emotional scars and bruises upon the faces and the depths of brokenness that others try to hide … and then pretend to find at the bottom of a bottle or act out like children cause they never learned to look to God and to the facts and in unconditional love for the world and family for wisdom and the path that all could travel is the one filled with cob webs yet the broken road is the one filled with companions.
          if this post isnt to old please tell me your thoughts.

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