where are all the nice guys?

this question popped up as a late entry to the “ask me anything 2” questions:

“where do all the nice (but not boring) guys hang out? (don’t say the gym, the library, or cafes)”

since i am neither nice nor a guy, i figured i’d open it up for for you decent gents to answer.

where do you hang?

where can nice girls find you?

i’ve run into several who think you either don’t exist or are hiding in spider holes like Saddam Hussein.

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58 comments on “where are all the nice guys?

  1. I’m sorry, but your picture gives advice that can’t be further explained. You just wish it weren’t true. A lot of them seem to appear around here, though. Nice guys usually hang out in front of the jerks, so you can all look through us.

  2. Joel says:

    It sounds cliche, but I can be found at my church quite often. That’s where most of my social interaction takes place. Church and Bible study. Occasionally I’ll sit in Starbucks with friends, but I don’t really go to bars or clubs.

    I’d turn the question back around though. Where can nice girls be found?

    • bethagrace says:

      If you’re going to church, I’m sure you’ve met plenty of them. 🙂 That’s the problem. There *are* nice guys at church, just not nearly enough to go around.

    • Lauren says:

      Hanging out in Starbucks, looking around hopefully. Is that where I am now? Yes. Yes it is.

  3. Michael Mock says:

    Try service organizations: Habitat for Humanity, for example. Heck, even if you don’t meet anyone, you’re in for an interesting experience and making a difference in the world.

    The catch, of course, is that parenthetical “but not boring.” There are probably nice guys all around you, but for one reason or another you don’t find them interesting. That could be simply because they aren’t a good match for you. Or it could be that something in your criteria for “interesting” is actively screening out anyone who might be “nice”. Or… remember that one third grade teacher who, when you said you were bored, always replied that only boring people get bored? There’s some truth to that, too. Maybe you need to expand your own interests, and in the process make fewer topics and activities boring for you.

    None of that is intended as analysis, mind you. Those are possibilities. It’s up to the person asking the question to figure out which ones might apply to them, and how much. And, after that, what to do about it.

    • MattyGFresh says:

      This. Especially the part about what constitutes “but not boring”. That was gonna be my take, but he said it way better than I could.

    • Service organizations–great suggestion! I’m serving as an AmeriCorps VISTA right now in Montana. Guys, let me tell you, if you can swing it, serve as a VISTA and you will meet all kinds of awesome nice girls. Although, it’s unfortunate for girls because out of 54 VISTAs that started service this year, only about 10 were guys. See why I would suggest this to guys? You have to be nice to want to serve a year of your life for Americans in poverty, and at least a little interesting to be willing to move about the country to do it.

      So there you go men, volunteer. Give something back to the community and be surrounded by nice girls all at the same time… But don’t just volunteer ONLY to meet a special someone or you will seem like a buttface.

    • jonny says:

      wow truly, … and in your face the truth about what the teacher said. but i think also the answer is found in what you defigne as nice, good, orderly, apropriate, and how should that man see the world from his eyes.. though id lke to know how the god gorl sees the world from her eyes?
      –catch me if you can hehe

  4. Erin Dunn says:

    My opinion? Anyone that has to give that many caveats as to where “nice guys” are found doesn’t seem like a very nice person.

    Nice people are everywhere. Thing is, you have to have reasonable expectations of them. While nice people are very nice – they aren’t mind readers or white knights (generally). You might have to actually approach a person and have a conversation with them to find out if they’re nice or not.

  5. As a former nice guy we are partially to blame for being in the friend zone. You know how I got out of it? I stopped worrying about losing friendships and being afraid of rejection. I started asking girls to coffee, movies, ice cream and casual dates. If you want a girl to stop seeing you like a friend, stop acting like one. Man up.

  6. alaskan454 says:

    For the record, boring is underrated.

  7. The nice guys are probably out living their nice lives. I bet that includes the gym*, the library, and the cafe. If you start arbitrarily ruling out places**, you’re ruling out guys you’ve never met. Don’t do that.

    *Except for me. I don’t know if I’m a nice guy, but there are two places I try never to be: the hospital and the gym.
    *You can go ahead and rule out SOME places. You know, like prisons. And Congress.

  8. jonny says:

    at the last id like to add to this very well put colection from the mind and heart of these who see because they open their eyes, minds in as big as they can. just become the cingularity become your ideal as best as you can and as honest as you ought to be.. for we all should be what we could be what we would be.
    its the only cingular answer which will transport us to the one we will be happy with, become that person, and you will see.
    are you?

  9. Lord Alvin says:

    Most girls don’t want a nice guy. They say that they do, but it’s not the case. Given the choice, they will almost always take the more interesting and exciting asshole. Jerks have confidence. Nice guys rarely do.

    • bethagrace says:

      Or “nice” guys just tend to be whiners.

      • jonathan says:

        i think something is seriously wrong when you have a whiner perhaps you could proceed in telling us a little more of that story and for that matter he probably had a mother that held on just a bit to tight, and to an extreme, so you have to separate and distinguish between nice guys and “wieners” perhaps you could have a big sister talk with this friend. what would you suggest

        • bethagrace says:

          Oh, I was just speaking to the fact that a lot of guys who label themselves as “nice guys” tend to just whine about how no girls will date them (one of the most unattractive things ever), whereas there are plenty of actually nice guys who don’t label themselves or play the martyr. Those are the guys who get dates. Those are the guys who get married.

          • jonnybgood says:

            SO THEN I SUPPOSE THE CAUSE IS IMPORTANT YET THE ONES WHO NEED TO ACT ON IT HAVENT GRASPED IT BECAUSE … WHY? WHAT OR HOW HEVE THESE GUYS MANNAGED TO ARIVE AT SUCH A DISPOSITION AND PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE , OR JUST WOULD LIKE TO BE ABLE TO HELP THEM OUT OF THIS DISTRUCTIVE PATTERN .. ANY SUGGESTIONS BETHGRACE? OR ANYONE ELSE WITH AN EDUCUATED RESPONSE TO BUILD UPON THOSE IN SOCIETY THAT MIGHT HAVE JUST ENOUGH POTENTIAL TO PROVIDE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP TO A WORTHY MATCH AND FILL THOSE SHOES WHAT SHOULD WE ALL DO TO ASSIST FOR INDEED THIS IS A WORTHY UNDERTAKING. … ?

  10. Jared Clifton says:

    Pei Wei?

  11. In all seriousness, most of my friends (the “nice guys”) are busy doing work, ministry, and such.
    When we do “hang out” it is most often at a coffee shop…

    I’d say that nice guys are few and far between but they might be right in front of you.

  12. Hmm. I’m going to borrow Joel’s “turn the question around” and turn it a little further: Where do girls LOOK for nice guys? If you sit looking for nice guys in the same place you usually went to find jerks, that might be part of your problem. Nice guys don’t tend to hang out where the jerks hang out, because the jerks will be, well, jerks to them if they do.

    Personally, I mostly hang out online and at Wal-Mart. Although I may need to start hanging out at tech events more often, as I’m told two of the girls at one of the vendor tables at my last event were discussing how cute I was after I walked away.

    • Joel says:

      Thanks for taking it further. I’d like an answer to that as well. I tend to see girls that are polite, but clearly not interested, most of the time.

      I also just have to say that the vast majority of girls that I have tried to approach, just to innocently say hello, have tended to treat me like some creep or ignore me. As a result I don’t approach women much anymore. Maybe its me, maybe its the girls I’ve met, who knows, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the “nice guys” and the “nice girls” just miss each other because neither one has the confidence to approach the other.

      • So in defense of the nice girls being polite AND the ones who treat you like a creep, that was learned from experience. One too many times I have innocently smiled to be polite and had a creeper follow me the rest of the night. So I had to start becoming dismissive as a protective measure. A woman’s first instinct is to be self-protective, however way seems most effective. Especially in a typical bar setting where women have been taught to always be alert, keep an eye on your drink, stay with other people, yada yada yada.

        A coffee shop or other setting like that is a catch-22 as well. Usually, when I got to such a place, unless I’m meeting someone, I go to be alone so someone trying to intrude on that time is annoying. But there are more subtle ways to start conversations in coffee shops… I once had a guy leave a muffin on the table for me that I didn’t notice until I looked up from my book sometime later. When I did and saw the muffin, I looked around and saw him smiling shyly at me, and put 2 and 2 together.The muffin was nice, but the fact that he waited until I took a break on my own to bring attention to it kept me from feeling interrupted or the need to be on the defensive. It showed a lot of patience and respect and made me interested to know more about him. There you go, a specific tip! Don’t say I never gave you anything…

  13. MattyGFresh says:

    Going off of what Lord Alvin said (and slightly disagreeing in the process), I think that jerks have ARROGANCE which is mistaken for confidence; or perhaps arrogance is confidence taken to unpleasant extremes. Whichever it is, I think that a lot of nice guys have some measure of confidence, it just doesn’t wear Ed Hardy.

    The confidence of true nice guys (which admittedly I have yet to truly learn, but I’m working on it) is much quieter and doesn’t scream “Look at me!!!” all the time so women don’t tend to notice it at first and maybe don’t think it really exists in those men so they get written off as “boring”.

    Also, real nice guys tend to actually pay attention to you. So if a woman’s demeanor reads as “I’m not interested.” a nice guy can see that wall and will respect it whereas a jerk will force himself into your orbit regardless of what signals are being put off.

    So I would suggest if this person wants to meet a nice guy she should open herself up more to the guys who approach her that might not be the most loud and abrasive. She might be surprised by what she finds.

  14. Autumn says:

    It seems like there are nice guys who read this blog…so there’s that.

  15. Jennifer C. says:

    I don’t think I can comment on this post without ranting. So, I’ll just say… Oh, never mind.

    • Jennifer C. says:

      So, I should not be allowed to post when I am annoyed for other reason because apparently I get all passive aggressive.

      • jonnybgood says:

        lets have some constructive light on your perspective. at least we wouldn’t be more ignorant from
        the extra perspective… so lets have it. -thats my vote!

      • Jennifer C. says:

        It’s always been my desire to see women search for men who are more than ‘nice’ or ‘good’ because anyone can be nice or good if they play it right. It’s also been my desire for to men step up and be strong, passionate fighters and defenders of their convictions. Set the example, and be a leader, and women will stop questioning who’s who because it will be obvious who the real men are.

        • jonnybgood says:

          I just wish that girls knew what they wanted and the boys got up off of their bums and would make their world. Better and have faith. Those who want the best first you have to do your best and follow your dreams you can do it.
          If you really want a better tomorrow make one

  16. Jeremy says:

    I know quite a few nice guys in my Bible study. We hang out in south eastern Michigan. We’re pretty cool. Just sayin’

  17. And currently playing in my brain from thinking too much on the term “nice guy”:

    Hodel, oh Hodel,
    Have I made a match for you!
    He’s handsome, he’s young!
    Alright, he’s 62.
    But he’s a nice man, a good catch, true? True.

  18. Picking up on Michael Mock’s comment:

    Seems to me you start by asking yourself what sorts of things make a person interesting, and what sorts of things make a person “nice”. Then you think about where the sorts of person who does those interesting things and acts in those nice ways might spend his or her time. For example, if interesting to you means sports, then you look in sporting facilities (and maybe if the type of sport might indicate niceness or otherwise, then you look in specific sporting places). If interesting involves reading, and discussing books you’ve read, then you join a book club (or, start one yourself!) In any group of people, there will be nice folks and nasty folks, and I’m inclined to believe the proportions will be approximately the same everywhere. Meet enough interesting people, and eventually some of them will turn out to be nice as well.

    Here’s a clue: nice guys tend to care about your feelings, which means if they don’t know you that well, they might be more hesitant about crossing boundaries (such as, asking for a date) – show some interest to let them know it’s okay.

  19. Daveinjax says:

    If you look on craigslist in best of craigslist, search ” What Happened to All the the Nice Guys” dated 2007-11-19. It is the best rant from a guys view I have heard.

  20. bethagrace says:

    Like someone said before, nice people, of both genders, are everywhere. Same for mean people. People, no matter their gender, have all kinds of personalities. You can’t pigeon-hole an entire half of the world’s population because you’re bad at picking out dates.

    At the same time, well, I’ve stated my opinion on guys whining about the friend zone. If you don’t want to be there, ASK US OUT.

    • jonnybgood says:

      so the eternal cross roads we reach. to take a bolder path, and pursue the lofty steeps?
      or take this path more gentle … confined to self retreat. written my … me .. just now.. lol

      • jonnybgood says:

        some how it just felt right .. but still ladies i go to church and one that believes in the old time old fashioned old black book tho i might not be the best at living out the highest standards i have set for myself yet still if you are looking for the honest old fashioned kind, my church is right here in Clarksburg, WV beware i like making people think and laugh because i enjoy lightening the load.. life is hard enough so make someone smile today!

  21. asoulwalker says:

    I used to be a nice guy. When I was (and I kid you not about this), I hung out at coffee shops, the gym, and the library. I am one hundred percent serious. So the only other places you would find me were at Church and out in the wilderness (where it is unlikely you will ever meet someone).

    Now that I am not nearly so much a nice guy, I do get approached a lot more by girls in those same places… however, now I could care less most of the time… but, it is interesting.

    • jonnybgood says:

      well from the way it sounds that classic view has shifted of how you view a nice guy and what caused the change is the same reason you have labeled yourself aloof from what you perceived as the weaker pack if you will, hence you take the old indifference view. unless you care to elaborate on this turning point sir hence i return the question to you.

      • asoulwalker says:

        I am the weakest man I know. I know of no other “weaker pack.” My change from being a nice guy to being something else had nothing to do with women or wanting to attract women. It was all the death really. That wasn’t everything, of course, but that was pretty significant. Heart attacks, broken necks, surgery complications, old age, car accidents, overdose, small arms fire in the sand, sniper-rifle shot to the head, hanging, self-inflicted shotgun wounds to the head… these are just some of the things that have made me less… “nice.” There were many other things as well, but all the death really did get to me.

        • jonnybgood says:

          well for the deep distance and hollow feeling i salute you not though it takes a deep courage to get up some days. and i know not how to express my gratitude in your pain though in my own way i just wish to express to you that you have arrived at a place in your life that gives peace to some but it came at a cost very dearly and most personally to you staring in the face yet these people that you will probably never share a deep or meaningful conversation or relationship or share in that most beautiful gratitude which i have for you. but my respect for you is an expression lived out in as best as i know how, to not dishonor thy memory. and it is my most generous hope that you can receive courage and maybe some of that hope because you did it all without question. -salute

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