why she puts you in the friend zone

so yesterday one of my dumb twitter twaddle lines struck a nerve.  apparently an exposed nerve that was stabbed and set on fire.

#WhyDoFemales Always fall for the bad guys and friend zone the good guys?

i’ve written about how to get out of the friend zone here and here, but realized i haven’t much considered the “why” of the whole thing.

turns out, it’s really pretty simple.

first, let’s deal with why the jackholes never end up friend zoned and seem to get the girl.

are you ready for this?  it’s a mind blower…

they never want to be friends.

yeah, let that sink in a second.

those guys go straight for the kill and move on if the shot doesn’t land.  can’t be friend zoned if you don’t want to be friends.  and why do girls fall for them?  easy.  the aggressive approach is flattering and kinda hot.  not gonna lie.  girls will fall for it over and over again because it’s exciting, a serious boost to the ego and addicting as crack.  i know it was for me.

but a girl with sense and value will eventually get over it and desire something else.  something more real.  do. not. mistake. this. for. settling.  did i use enough periods to make my point?  it is not settling, it’s maturing.  it is finally realizing that the real prize is in the kindness.  it’s in the friend.

so here’s where it gets 50 shades of grey, but not 50 Shades of Grey, iykwim…well, maybe it kinda does eventually.  hopefully.

there are reason why you guys end up in the friend zone.  some might surprise you.

  • self-inflicted – if i were going to pick just one reason to rule them all, it would be this one.  she might put you there initially, but it is ENTIRELY up to you how long you stay there.  from a nanosecond to years…your choice.
  • she doesn’t know any better – oh man, this was me.  i had exactly 2 boyfriends in high school and it was because they both showed immediate interest in me as datable.  there was no question about their intent.  every other guy i knew was friend zoned because i didn’t think there was any other option.  i assumed if they didn’t come right out and jump me (so to speak), then friends we would be.  turns out, i frustrated a lot of guys.  they all thought my friend zone was Fort Knox, when it was really made of cellophane.
  • appreciates you, but not attracted to you – ouch.  yeah, i know.  but it happens.  she knows you’re a great guy and values your company and friendship, but biology just isn’t cooperating.  nothing to be done about that.  this happened with one of my best friends.  the only one to ever try and tear through my cellophane, except Craig, of course.  he made it clear from the 7th grade all the way through graduation that all i had to do was say “yes”.  i never did.  i adored him.  still do.  the chemistry was just never there for me.  and he’s not unattractive.  quite the opposite.  he’s a very handsome ginger.  if you ask me why it never happened, i won’t have an answer, because i really don’t know.  what i do know is that even though i rarely ever see him anymore, he is still my friend.
  • she’s a Lucy – she’s using you.  happens more than you might think.  you’re her security blanket.  keeping you and your admiration around makes her feel better about herself.  oh yes.  it’s the height of selfishness.  being the nice guy you are, you will stick around way longer than you should because “she needs you.”  bullshizzle.  what she needs is to grow up and stop sucking other people you dry to suit her own end.  that end being where she runs back to you to refill her tank when the guy she really wants has bolted.

not sure whether i’ve made things better or worse for you today.  guess you’ll have to tell me.

any other reason girls will put guys in the friend zone?


21 comments on “why she puts you in the friend zone

  1. Arlos says:

    What about being “incidentally” friend zoned? u know bad timing. I’ll explain: I have this friend that I know from college and I have always sensed that she’s kind of into me BUT there has always been someone else. Initially, I was kind of into her but never feeling entirely comfortable about it. When we met, she was goin’ out with some guy which she didn’t told me about but somehow I knew of… hence me not feeling comfortable.. after she told me out I thought well that’s it UNTIL a few months later when I started seeing someone and she found out.. now THEN things got interesting because even if she is with the same guy, her behavior became more demanding and even jealous, even if I make it clear that I’m not interested anymore and that we are strictly friends.. what about that?

    • jessigering says:

      Dear Arlos: RUN AWAY. She’s #4.

    • i agree with jessi. if she’s behaving like she has some claim on you while dating someone else, that’s not bad timing, that’s a terrible person. she’s trouble. move on to less crazy pastures.

      • Arlos says:

        Thank u both, I will totally do, I forgot to mention that her relationship with this guy is of the “on again of again” type, I guess is a minor detail that just adds one more argument for the crazy veredict. Great blog! I really enjoy it 🙂

  2. bethagrace says:

    This was pretty solid. THANK YOU for telling guys that this is something they can have control over. It’s true, jerks are up front about what they want, but nice guys can be that too–and friendship will grow out of the resulting relationship. Ask older couples at church. They’ll tell you. We can’t say “yes” until you ask.

    As for other reasons guys are friend zoned: They whine about being in the friend zone.

    When you whine about how no girls will date you, they all go for jerks, yada, yada, yada, it’s just kind of… pathetic. It goes back to confidence. A confident guy may joke about not having a girlfriend, but he isn’t needy, and he isn’t bitter toward every girl who isn’t dating him. He doesn’t think he’s entitled just because he acts civilized. This advice is given to girls all the time, but guys need to hear it too: That much focus on your relationship status is awkward, intimidating, and makes people figure you’ll badmouth them to everyone if things ever end. So why start?

  3. Jeremy says:

    Maybe your weren’t attracted to your friend because he has no soul. Or is that gingerist?

  4. Love the Friend Zone Meme! 😀 Now if THAT isn’t a perfect illustration of “self inflicted”, then I don’t know what is! Lol

    I don’t know how enlightening this is, but I do know that this is the truth – and the truth is that by the time that most women (as well as some men… that I might know all too well…) are 30 years old, they have had the appeal of the bad boy (or bad girl) literally and figuratively beaten out of them. Beaten out of them mentally, emotionally, and often physically as well… By the time most of us hit 30, we’ve learned this lesson the hard way, and often after a lot of heartache and damage done.

    The diabolical question is… how do we teach the lesson of our hard learned experience, to the teens and 20 somethings, in such a way that they actually get it?! As the father of a daughter, I’m still trying to figure out the answer…

  5. reneamac says:

    Great post! I particularly appreciate the maturity-not-settling paragraph. Right on the money.

  6. The second point sounds like you just phrased the same thing from both sides: the guys probably didn’t know they had any other option either.

  7. Paul says:

    So I have an interesting situation that I think may be #3:

    I met this girl and we hit it off immediately. We hung out all the time and we bonded very easily, sharing a lot of the same humor, interests, etc. I asked her out after about 2 weeks but she said she wasn’t ready. Turns out she had just gotten out of a 1 1/2 year relationship with a guy that she almost married. Regardless of this rejection, we still hung out almost every day/talked every day. Looking back on it, it seems obvious that I was friendzoned then, but she told me “I like to be friends with guys before I consider seriously dating them”. This spoke to me as “keep going, you’re on the right path”. I would remind her from time to time that I was still interested but was told no. Finally, two days ago I was officially friendzoned for good (maybe? Probably lolol) but her reasoning was just that “her heart wasn’t in it”. Sounds like a #3 situation, but she told me that in the beginning she was initially attracted to me as a love interest. I just don’t know where I went wrong. I wasn’t passive about what I wanted, and let her know my intentions early and often. Am I just THAT unlucky? Or y’all think there is something I missed?

  8. Levi says:

    So after reading this article, I must say it was nice getting a female perspective. I am having a hard time of letting go of this girl. I told my good friend Erika that I liked her after I suspected she had feelings for me. I mean I could have sworn there was chemistry between us. I liked her for awhile now and she see’s me as a good friend but yet that chemistry is still there. I am concerned if I mention something then I will strike out again. How would you suggest I handle this or should I just finally move on?

  9. […] question comes via a comment on my Why She Puts You in the Friend Zone post. Have a […]

  10. Mike says:

    ‘show immediate interest?’ what kind of BS is this? the moment you ‘show straight interest’ 99% of girls will classify you as a ‘creep’ unless you have a killer body. any average or semi-good looking guy will be called a creep if they ‘go straight for the kill.’ yet.. if you talk to her to build a connection so she doesn’t think you are a ‘creep’ then you become friendzoned. it is a non-winning battle because females are simply illogical. i think the ONLY factor that girls use to give a guy a chance is 100% pure, raw, animalistic, rough sex potential factor. EVEN the ‘nice’ girls pick like this, they just try to cover it up more. and its funny how all of them say ‘oh i dont care about those superficial things.. only personality.’ LOL. who are you trying to fool?

    girls are illogical creatures who look at ONE factor when choosing guys: looks (and by looks its 80% body, 20% face. the bigger you are and the more tough you are the more chance you have. if you are a good looking, slightly slim guy, you have WAY less chances than a ugly guy with a 200 pound body). ONCE they settled down with their guy, i agree with you.. THATS WHEN they want him to be an actual nice guy. and since 90% of the guys girls are attracted to: big douchebags with 0 qualities are NOT nice, the girls will complain about ‘guys being jerks.’ no… ‘guys’ are not jerks… only the guys YOU CHOOSE are jerks. if you go with that guy that weighs just 5 pounds less and is much better looking, you will be much happier. i think girls measure guys weight and if a guy weights 0.1 pounds more, he gets the nod ahead of of the better looking guy. girls are simply illogical creatures. this applies to 95% of girls. 5% of girls are decent human beings. but even they WILL choose the same way, but NOT always.. they give a CHANCE to the guy that is not as big as the dumb douche bag. these girls are smart cuz they end up much happier.

    and i seriously dont know why girls like big ugly guys anyways? so he can ‘protect’ you? we dont live in the jungle in case you did not notice… because it seems he would give you better rough sex? LOL how pathetic.. ANY guy will make you his little b**** in 2 seconds in the bedroom.. even if he is a small skinny guy. girls, your problem is that you are highly illogical. guys, your problem is that your bone structure was not big enough according to your genes.

  11. I like reading a post that will make people think. Also,
    thanks for permitting me to comment!

  12. The Protector says:

    Went through the same thing recently. Basically, I’ve known this girl for over 3 years, she happened to be going through a break-up finally she broke it off then I came into the picture,hoping I could sweep her off her feet as the strong positive dude (uh-uh), long story short, she cut me off for a little over 2 years, I basically explained my love for her and why I wanted to be with her but she just pretended to be interested and played along with it.

    For example, she said, “Aww, I’m not shy, never towards you boo.” Puh-lease, the moment I came back into her life she was just TOO different and NEVER had any intentions on getting with me, only interested in what I could do for her, she was a full-on slut, she used me as an emotional band-aid as well as a security blanker for her personal needs (which is BS, btw). I mean, hell, she fucked someone else in the house as a rebound while I was asleep. So all in all, she got back with her ex – BF, a POS who treated her like shit, a heroin addict and spit in her face when it was all said and done. She never told me she got back with her ex, so I found out when I got to her house (reminds of the ending from The Last American Virgin, lol).

    She was also disrespectful, such as letting the POS groping on her, sticking his hand under her dress trying to finger bang her and shit. My only responsibility was to give her rides to work or take/pick her up from the airport. When I wanted to talk, she’d have some random-ass excuse such as she’s not feeling well, blah-blah. The point is, now that her and the reacquainted ex are having issues, AGAIN, she wants to reach out to me (for a favor obviously), I simply dropped the bitch. Now she questions my actions whereabouts. The bitch just wasn’t worth the time or effort…whooo

    Karma is a bullet waiting to happen 🙂

    P.S. Great article, very true and real stuff, can’t thank you enough. I am a much better and powerful man than ever. I love the fact that she feels guilty, I pray that she catches STD’s 🙂

  13. BJL says:

    She could also be attracted to you but ashamed to date you because of your race and what people might think of a mixed couple.

  14. Anthony says:

    He said that I’m cute, then says she’s not ready for a relationship, then dates some other guy just like me. Help?

  15. ennis says:

    Female friend = Oxymoron?

  16. Paul says:

    Find myself in the same place as some of you fellas at the moment, I can relate to the emotional blanket. This bitch, I been seeing for a number of years. Decided she wants to split! She said to me, “things are not working”? And wants to end it now, before we start to despise each other! I’ve tried the talking, bollocks. But feel I am wasting my breath But she still wants to be around? We both do paid community work together! Told her the other day that our “relationship” as it now stands is not acceptable. As I am starting to despise her! I don’t want her, working in close proximity to me! She doesn’t want that, this situation is all about control as far as I’m concerned. When she was splitting with me, she was making up excuses that couldn’t do this or that? When I have never stopped her doing anything! She’s been away on holidays with the girls on hen weekends abroad and local. I know what I have got to do, kick the bitch into touch! But when I do, there be no coming back on my part. As I feel she would have let me down too much for a second chance.

  17. Paul says:

    Oh, yeah! I forgot to add there is about 21yrs between us. That wasn’t the problem but it seems it is now?

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