26 Signs She’s Secretly Insane

one of my readers, Lynne, sent this to me and i cannot be more grateful.  seriously?  i’m going to really enjoy this.

it’s from an article where the author polled her friends, took their clearly expert advice and excreted it onto the internet.

you can read the whole article here, but for my purposes, i’ve only stolen the list.

ladies and gentlemen, i give you…

26 Signs She’s Secretly In Love With You

  • “I laugh really hard when you’re within ear shot, and make sure I look super engaged with who ever I’m talking to.” – because men find maniacal hyena laughs super sexy.
  • “I send you a link to an article about something we talked about once, in passing.” – you realize that unless he’s into you to the point of being a little creepy, a dude is not going to remember what he talked to you about in passing, right?
  • I get really dressed up when I know I’m going to see you and then act surprised/dismissive when you say I look nice. (‘Really? Huh. I just came from work…’)” – really?  huh.  i just came from having you committed.
  • “I listen to songs I think you’d like on Spotify and hope you see them on my Facebook feed.” – this is the new wearing a Ramones shirt, you phony, scheming hag.
  • “I all of the sudden get buddy-buddy with your friends.” – who all know what you’re doing, btw.
  • I tweet about things that aren’t directly about you, but that I know will interest you.” – you do understand that manufacturing interest stops when he actually interacts with you, right?
  • “I never leave the bar before you do — I don’t care how early I have to work the next morning.” – two words…skee.  zy.
  • “I live in fear that you will somehow learn how often I visit your Facebook page.” – then stop “liking” all his posts.  oh, and ew.
  • “I text you something random or ‘funny’ my coworker did, just to start the conversation.” – and he’s on the other end wondering why he should care.
  • “I go out of my way to not seem jealous of other women, going so far as to force you to say tell another girl how pretty she is.” – are you suffering from a traumatic head injury?  brain tumor?  have you recently spent any time in a white coat, hugging yourself all day?
  • “I change my GChat status to something I want you to see.” – now your online personality is becoming worse than your real one…
  • “I find out everything I can about you and then pretend to be surprised when you tell me something about yourself in person.” – you have a lock of his hair stashed somewhere on your person, don’t you?
  • “I stand in the same circle as you but avoid eye contact and only talk to the person standing next to you.” – and for that small thing, he is grateful.
  • “If we’re sitting at a table, booth, or bench, I will sit closer to you than to the person on my other side. I will make sure our arms accidentally graze each other.” – is that so you can sedate him with the syringe in your purse?
  • “I take advantage of every possible opportunity to “@” you on twitter.” – because that’s not annoying or awkward.
  • “I go out of my way to walk by you on the way to the bar.” – make sure you vomit on his shoes when you stalk him out of the bar.  that’ll get his attention.
  • “I spend parties standing in your line of sight.” – if he notices, it’s probably because he’s looking at the saner, prettier red-head behind you.
  • I dress inappropriately for events because you complimented that outfit another time. (‘Aren’t you cold?’ ‘… no.’)” – “Aren’t you cold?” is not a compliment, it’s pity.
  • “I google anyone I found out you dated/hooked-up with/were interested in, just to see how I measure up.” – you don’t, crazy train.
  • “I make up a ‘work question’ that we need to have coffee/lunch/drinks to discuss, because I’d really like your professional opinion on the matter. (Ideally, I’d also like to make out.)” – ideally you wouldn’t be manipulative psycho or apparently a bit of a floozy.
  • “I have Skype, gchat, and Facebook chat always up just in case you sign into one of the three messaging platforms.” – reason # 8 gajillion to kill the internet.
  • “I invite you to a party I’m throwing. And then quickly invite 100 other people so you won’t suspect I singled you out.” – he’ll show if he finds out you invited someone he’s actually interested in.
  • ” I will remember a random fact or opinion you expressed a year ago, even when you don’t.” – how long have you been at this?!?
  • “I Google myself so I know what comes up in case you randomly decide to google me.” – don’t worry.  he won’t.
  • “I bring up a movie/concert/activity that I think you would like, in the hopes that you will express interest and that I can then casually say, ‘Oh, do you want to come with?’” – this wouldn’t be a bad move if you hadn’t already proven to be totally and completely batshit.
  • “I reply all to a group email that you’re in just so my name comes up in your inbox to refresh your memory that I exist. I will labor over this reply for at least an hour before hitting ‘send’.” – and there you have it.  want to get a guy?  become the most universally hated person on the internet besides Perez Hilton, the “reply all” girl. 

good lord.  where to even begin?

i’ll keep it simple, manufacturing interest in things that don’t really float your canoe and shaping a personality on the internet you don’t really possess, doesn’t work.  even if it does get his attention, it won’t last when you actually have to be in each others presence and you will immediately become the world’s biggest disappointment.

lame.

guys, what are some things ladies can do to get your attention without sinking to the level of the tripe written above?

ladies, have you ever tried any of these things?  has it worked?

 

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11 comments on “26 Signs She’s Secretly Insane

  1. Ricky Anderson says:

    That was awesome. Thanks for the laugh – needed it today.

  2. Is it just me, or do about a third of these involve the guy knowing you’re really into him when you act precisely like the girl who wants absolutely nothing to do with him acts?

    The brushing his arm tactic is not perhaps a bad one by itself, much like the bringing up a concert you think he’ll like so you can invite him to go. OK on their own, but within the whole list…

  3. becca3416 says:

    Wow, reminds me of high school. How about just saying, hey I like you. If the feeling isn’t returned… on to the next.

  4. The first few reminded me of high school. Then, when I got used to it, it reminded me of an asylum. She needs to read your blog.

  5. bethagrace says:

    If these were all done by the same person, OK, but if it’s just one or two… I’ve seen lots of perfectly normal girls AND GUYS use these tactics. Making up a work question, trying to look like the life of the party, scooching close to your crush… a lot of these are unisex classics–and they often work.

  6. Kim says:

    I agree that a lot of these are dumb, but c’mon, there are a few that are just good old fashioned flirting! Sending a link to something you guys had talked about isn’t a bad way to try to open communication. And walking by him on the way to the bar (or wherever) isn’t so bad….again, just a way to flirt a little, isn’t it?
    But yes–pretending you like things he likes? Crazy.

  7. JBen says:

    I will say that if the guy is interested, a few of these would work. The article to something you talked about in passing is one I think I have done and have had done to me.

    So if there is reciprocal interest, I’d cut her a little slack. But if not, she is crazy.

  8. G Fresh says:

    I think I’m gonna have to go with most of the commenters here and say that, yeah, there’s a couple of crazy things here, but most of these just seem like fairly normal flirty things that people do; especially in this technological day and age. Flirting is just kind of a weird, awkward thing to begin with and most of these don’t strike me as really that far out of the ordinary.

    I think if they had titled the article “26 Signs She’s Got a Crush on You” rather than “26 Signs She’s Secretly In Love With You” there wouldn’t really be much to pick apart here.

  9. A few of these are pretty normal-sounding to me: in fact, these two could have come straight out of a pick-up artist programme (the first one actually is a manoeuvre that’s recommended by some schools, the second would be an example of what PUSs call “kino”):

    “I stand in the same circle as you but avoid eye contact and only talk to the person standing next to you.”

    “If we’re sitting at a table, booth, or bench, I will sit closer to you than to the person on my other side. I will make sure our arms accidentally graze each other.”

    And these two sound like perfectly reasonable ways to display interest from the passive role that women are normally expected to take (actually, the second one sounds like stealth-asking-out-on-a-date and therefore rather more active than that stereotype):

    “I get really dressed up when I know I’m going to see you and then act surprised/dismissive when you say I look nice. (‘Really? Huh. I just came from work…’)”

    “I bring up a movie/concert/activity that I think you would like, in the hopes that you will express interest and that I can then casually say, ‘Oh, do you want to come with?’”

    One final social-justice note: please not with the ableist language. “Insane” and “lame” are not good words to use for “creepy” and “not very good”.

  10. asoulwalker says:

    I’m not sure I understand the question… exactly when did it become hard to get a guys attention? Girls possess a large percentage of what most men want in this life. They also have many tools not available to men. Do a lot of girls really feel as though they are having trouble getting the attention of a man they are interested in? I suppose if “I can’t get his attention,” is code for, “I can’t make him reciprocate my feelings for him,” well, then I could understand. But you don’t have to show a lot of cleavage for a guy to notice you have breasts. You don’t have to sing solos in the choir for a guy to notice the sound of your voice. You don’t have to speak your mind at every possible chance you get for a guy to notice that you have hopes, dreams, and passions and then decide if those are at all in line with any of his. You don’t have to be inches away from his eyeballs for him to notice the colour of yours. You don’t have to be praying twenty-four seven for him to catch on that you might have a spiritual side. If a man isn’t pursuing you there may very well be a good reason– and I would not be too quick to assume that that reason is any kind of poor reflection on you as a woman. It might be… but it would not be my first guess… unless of course you wrote and practiced the entire list above (two or three items– not a problem, but the whole list? Seriously? That is a bit crazy. FYI, crazy is not attractive to anyone who isn’t crazy).

  11. D says:

    this really made me laugh. i needed that after a long day. thanks! i know I am guilty of some things in the list. hahaha!!! what can I do? I have female hormones. Made me realize how clueless I can get when I am liking someone.

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