I, like most men, simply do not understand most women. I grew up in a family full of boys and one tomboy sister, and didn’t have any close female friends until after high school. I don’t date “recreationally” and have had a handful of relationships with various outcomes (some ended well, some poorly). Last fall, I started dating an amazing woman I had gotten to know through church. We had great chemistry, were able to communicate well, have similar goals, values, theologies, and interests. Our families and friends agreed we were a great match, and, well, I thought we were headed towards marriage.
As wonderful as this woman is, she had some serious lingering insecurities and a lot of anxieties. She was in a previous relationship that ended very, very badly and experienced some serious emotional trauma at the time. In our relationship, she had ongoing anxieties and wasn’t able to say “I love you” to me (although everyone who knew us told me she was definitely in love with me, based on her behavior towards me). Finally, a few weeks ago, she unexpectedly broke up with me. Her reasons were her ongoing uncertainty and anxiety. It was very unexpected—there was no indication this was coming.
I was, and am, heartbroken. Shocked. In the time since, I’ve realized that things are not necessarily over—she is someone worth pursuing, I think, but at this point I have no idea how to about it. To complicate things, I live three hours away from her and our paths won’t likely cross by accident.
I’d be much obliged if you could give me some insight, advice, or something along those lines. Right now, I’m feeling lost, inadequate, and more sure than ever that the best way to fail in romance is to be a good guy.
if anybody can tell you exactly what do, they’re probably either lying or have an over-inflated view of their own opinion. i’m not above either of those things.
but i’m going to be today.
i’ve been thinking a lot on this one since i got your email and the truth is, i just don’t know. without knowing her and/or why she bailed, there’s really no way for me to nail this down.
but here is what i do know, changing who you are is not the answer. it never is. unless of course you’re a douche bag who really needs a personality upgrade, but i don’t think that’s the case here.
all i can tell you is what i would do. i would keep my life moving forward, especially if she is giving no sign of changing her mind.
she walked away, you didn’t. she left the good thing for whatever reason, you didn’t. and frankly, better now than after you’re married. we could guess all day at the whys, but the reality is, whether she is unstable, afraid or just didn’t feel as strongly as you did, she ended it.
you’re going to have to move on. if she wasn’t going to be able to be to you what you wanted her to be, she did you a favor.
though i totally get that it doesn’t feel that way.
oh so sincerely,
any other thoughts for our friend?