first, the original title of this list is “50 Things That Girls Want Us Guys to Know.” us guys? really. the person who wrote this list has a vagina. no question. i’m about 1000% positive she’s not someone you fellas would never want to date. the best things i can say about her is she’s high maintenance and bitchy. since she claims to be speaking for a host of other women, i hope she reads this. i’m leaving out a few because they’re about sexual manipulation and i’m not about that here. and if you’re reading this, girlwhoisnotaguy, you shouldn’t be either.
50 things girsl want guys to know: part 1
1. Dont tell us when you think other girls are hot. – news flash honey, that’s not threatening, that’s biology. you’re not the only attractive woman in existence, so stop making him pretend like you are.
2. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. – hello, Kettle? this is Pot. you’re a terrible person.
3. If you dont act like soap-opera guys, dont expect us to dress like Victoria Secret models. – like soap-opera guys? you’ll dress like a Victoria Secret model if he becomes a cheater/murderer/extortionist who never wears a shirt? awesome.
4. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. – why? you’ll just badger him about it for at least a full calendar month anyway.
5. There is no such thing as too much spooning. – sure there is. especially when the AC is broken.
6. We think about you all the time. – creepy.
7. This is how we see it . . . Don’t call = Don’t Care. – then maybe you need to get your prescription checked.
8. Which also means that if we dont call, take the hint. – guys don’t take hints. say what you mean instead of being a passive aggressive hag.
9. We like you to be a little jealous . . . but overly possessive is not necessary. – jealousy is a sign of insecurity. even a little bit of it. you shouldn’t like that.
10. Being able to make us laugh is so much more important than how much you can bench-press. – that’s true. fair enough.
11. Return favors: we massage, you massage, we shave, you shave, etc… – i’m all for reciprocation. but it doesn’t have to be exactly the same thing. if my husband shaved his beard, i might refuse to shave my legs until he grew it back.
13. We’re allowed to be late . . . you are not. – Double Standard called, it wants you to get hit by a Greyhound.
14. Eye contact is key. – no it isn’t. he’s not your girlfriend. men rarely talk directly at each other. they sit/stand/walk/run side by side and that’s where most of their conversation happens. don’t take lack of eye contact personally. just be glad he’s talking to you at all. and by “you”, i mean “you who wrote this list specifically”.
15. Dont take longer to get ready than we do. – yeah. i can get behind this one.
16. Laugh at our jokes. – what if your jokes are terrible? what if you’re not funny at all? what if you’re humor is as engaging as your list of things you want guys to know?
17. Three words . . . honesty, honesty, honesty. – but don’t tell you that other girls are attractive? all right.
18. Girls can be groupies. Guy groupies are stalkers. – tell that to Lady Gaga fans. and i’ll see your “guy groupies are stalkers” and raise you a “girl groupies are sluts”. i mean, since we’re generalizing and all…
20. Do not start an argument with us – You will not win. – good lord, you’re really an awful person, aren’t you?
21. Would you like it if a guy treated your sister that way? We didnt think so. – like what? your standard for acceptable manly behavior seems to be groveling and fear of you. does anything other than that count as treating you poorly?
22. If you ask nicely, we usually answer the same way. – usually? usually?!? niceness has to be earned from you? pull the stiletto out of your nether regions.
23. We will never have enough clothes or shoes. – that’s fine. just don’t expect him to go into debt to pay for it.
24. We have an excuse to act bitchy at least once a month. – did you write this list during that time? oh and no, you don’t.
25. Open the door for us no matter where we are . . . even at our house and getting into the car. – you’re giving guys instruction on common courtesy? i think i just got my recommended daily dose of irony.
am i completely off base guys? does this girl seem like someone you’d be interested in?
ladies, are you as embarrassed by this chick as i am? do you have anything you’d actually like guys to know?