bonus saturday post! boom! it has nothing to do with relationships. enjoy or eat a sweaty leotard.
i took my first Zumba class yesterday. it was scheduled from 12pm to 1pm. however, that part of my brain that should have said, “hey dumbs#!+, you haven’t exercised in 10 years. how about you not start with an hour long assault on your person?” was clearly eating a bon bon and surfing Stumble Upon.
this self-inflicted hour of pain is a direct result of getting a look at myself in a dressing room mirror. the hateful thing.
oh and short of a state reservoir, there is no container of water large enough to last an entire Zumba class. i was tempted to drink the pool.
here’s the 5 people you meet in a Zumba class:
1. the instructor that looks deceptively unfit. that awkward moment when i realized that roll around her middle was excess skin because she’s lost over 100 pounds and can Zumba my ass into the ground for another hour if she wanted. and i’m pretty sure she’s a sadist.
2. the shy but brave overweight lady who does the minimized moves in the back. i can’t help but respect her. she’s making an effort and looks very determined. however, i begin the class feeling a bit superior to her, then end up doing the minimized version with her at about the 40 minute mark…
3. the 50 something lady who shows up in full make up and jewelry. why would she do that? does she enjoy hearing her rings clink to the rhythm? do her necklaces (yes, plural) have some magical sweat absorbing properties i am unaware of? what kind of spackle is she using on her face that holds up under such punishment? seriously. i’d really like to know that. i also suspect she spent at least half an hour on her ponytail.
4. the jack rabbit. she’s the size of my 12 year old and appears to have springs on her stupid tiny feet. her every move screams “give me more!” while she adds extra steps to all the routines. at the end of class she says, “you took it easy on us today!” while i hyperventilate. i wanted to pop her head like a zit.
5. woman who tries to keep up out of pride. her ability to follow the routines hint at her having been a pretty good dancer in a former life, but she has been reincarnated in her late 30’s as a heavy footed clod who clearly hasn’t moved much in a while. she is obviously trying to make a good show of it, but when she fails, she has visions of murdering everyone in the room. she also says offensive things to class members after class because all the oxygen has her left her brain.
guess which one i was.
i made it the entire hour. my pride wouldn’t let me leave. my pride is a bitch.
i’ll be going back next week. three times. (insert a lot more swearing here)
anybody else trying to not look like a stuffed kielbasa in swimsuit?
what do you do for self flagulation exercise?
guidetowomen.wordpress.com 
You’re beaver than i am. I could never do that class with other ppl. I’m an extreme introvert. But the Zumba for x-box kinex his good and I’m challenging my hubby (whose significantly overweight) to do it with me Tue & Thirst. Evenings for 20 mins. Wish u well on your health journey 🙂 Bty, love your blog
I’m doing Jillian Michaels’ 30 Day Shred. It’s for women, so I work with 10 lbs instead of 2. Most of the time. If I make it through the first half. I do it alone in my room, because every now and then, she says things like, ‘If you have it, flaunt it ladies. Stick out those buns to the back.’ And then I do that. After the 20 minute work-out, I hate her. In just 27 more days, I can crush her like a bug.
This cracks me up. Good luck. 🙂
hilarious!
Haha! I did that. (I know exactly which bits of the DVD you’re talking about.) Not consistently enough to ever be “shredded.”
Then I got married, and will do all manner of things with my husband, but can’t quite countenance the idea of doing that workout in front of him . . .
So look. I’m that overweight lady in the back and I don’t THINK I’m doing the minimized version. I think I’m busting it out, full zumba, dang-I-should-go-to-the-clubs-after-this! I’m kinda getting the hang of it and I’m MOVING! And then I catch a glimpse in the mirror and realize I’m BARELY moving. What the hey–? lol… just wanted to clarify what’s really going on there… 🙂
I was finally able to get myself a nice road bike. So I go out and bike as often as I can. I got hooked on the Tour de France a few years ago and just have not been able to afford a road bike. And when I can finally get some time, I’m going out mountain biking again. I haven’t been in a couple of years. It’s the worst type of fun. It’s such a beating but is so awesome.
All of that is just so true and beautiful sir. You should know that most people in the world will never learn what you have just written about in that small paragraph.
how can this be? those women are in MY class…
I run, ride my bike, climb, lift weights, hike, actually… if I’m not exercising it’s because I’m recovering or injured (which really just means it’s a long-term recovery). But I don’t exercise to look good. I exercise because it keeps more of the demons at bay and endorphin highs are bitchn’.
My workouts change a lot, generally because I stop doing one for a few months and then discover the one “I’m really going to like.” Generally, I tend to go for strength workouts. I hate videos. I hate having to drive somewhere. I hate paying for results I could get for free.
Haha. #5 sounds a bit like me! Thats the beauty of going to classes or the gym period is the motivation that others give you to keep pace. But seriously, I do not understand those full make-uped women. Three minutes into anything I am drenched. Does years of applying foundation about an inch thick permantantly close up ones pores???
I like to join a gym because it motivates me to actually do something. If I’m at home, I tend to do, well, this. Ha. Right now I’m a member of a women’s gym. I do Zumba on Mondays, then I go back on Tuesdays and Thursdays and use the elliptical and weight machines. I’ve been doing this since August, and now have visible biceps for the first time in my life. I’m pretty excited about that. 🙂
After LMAO, I have to guess that you’re #5… this is a gem. Marked in my “favorites”…
I power walk 5-7 per week. Loads of endorphins and keeps the stress manageable. But then, BarreAmped 2x days per week. This class will kill you by inches. You see dead people and angels.You also see your real estate lifting and tightening with amazing speed. I’m hooked
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This is awesome! I personally love Zumba simply because it is just like the dance games for the Wii and I play those with my kids (and other adults when we consume adult beverages).
How did I miss this post? I just started Zumba, too. And could resonate with everything you said.
i snuck it in on a saturday. it was a ninja post.
That must be it.
Oh–and the “everything” I forgot I DIDN’T resonate with is the instructor. She’s the fittest looking person I’ve ever seen in real life. Which is demoralising in a whole different way.