bonus saturday post! boom! it has nothing to do with relationships. enjoy or eat a sweaty leotard.
i took my first Zumba class yesterday. it was scheduled from 12pm to 1pm. however, that part of my brain that should have said, “hey dumbs#!+, you haven’t exercised in 10 years. how about you not start with an hour long assault on your person?” was clearly eating a bon bon and surfing Stumble Upon.
this self-inflicted hour of pain is a direct result of getting a look at myself in a dressing room mirror. the hateful thing.
oh and short of a state reservoir, there is no container of water large enough to last an entire Zumba class. i was tempted to drink the pool.
here’s the 5 people you meet in a Zumba class:
1. the instructor that looks deceptively unfit. that awkward moment when i realized that roll around her middle was excess skin because she’s lost over 100 pounds and can Zumba my ass into the ground for another hour if she wanted. and i’m pretty sure she’s a sadist.
2. the shy but brave overweight lady who does the minimized moves in the back. i can’t help but respect her. she’s making an effort and looks very determined. however, i begin the class feeling a bit superior to her, then end up doing the minimized version with her at about the 40 minute mark…
3. the 50 something lady who shows up in full make up and jewelry. why would she do that? does she enjoy hearing her rings clink to the rhythm? do her necklaces (yes, plural) have some magical sweat absorbing properties i am unaware of? what kind of spackle is she using on her face that holds up under such punishment? seriously. i’d really like to know that. i also suspect she spent at least half an hour on her ponytail.
4. the jack rabbit. she’s the size of my 12 year old and appears to have springs on her stupid tiny feet. her every move screams “give me more!” while she adds extra steps to all the routines. at the end of class she says, “you took it easy on us today!” while i hyperventilate. i wanted to pop her head like a zit.
5. woman who tries to keep up out of pride. her ability to follow the routines hint at her having been a pretty good dancer in a former life, but she has been reincarnated in her late 30’s as a heavy footed clod who clearly hasn’t moved much in a while. she is obviously trying to make a good show of it, but when she fails, she has visions of murdering everyone in the room. she also says offensive things to class members after class because all the oxygen has her left her brain.
guess which one i was.
i made it the entire hour. my pride wouldn’t let me leave. my pride is a bitch.
i’ll be going back next week. three times. (insert a lot more swearing here)
anybody else trying to not look like a stuffed kielbasa in swimsuit?
what do you do for
self flagulation exercise?