rage post…you’ve been warned

if you follow me on twitter, you’re clearly intelligent and good looking.  you also know i regularly tweet about the odd, ignorant or random things i see or overhear in public.

like a woman who yelled, “but i left my pizza and my mirror in that car!” in front of an Asian buffet.  try to put context to that one.

recently i experienced something that made me want to kick a guy’s ballsack up into his throat, then it just made me sad.

a pack of girls walked into the bar where Craig and i were shooting pool.  they sat right next to us, so i got the blow by blow whether i wanted it or not.  one girl had brought out her friends to meet up with her boyfriend and his friends.  cool.  fine.  happens all the time.

the boyfriend was a tool?  douche bag?  no.  neither of those are strong enough.  this guy was a condescending asshole.  nothing subtle about it either.  the way he talked to her, the way he touched her, the way he postured with his friends…everyone could see it.

except her.

it got so bad, her friends left.  they tried to get her to come with them, but he made her stay.  for the rest of the night he would cup her face in his hands and talk to her like she was a three year old.

i really wanted to crack his scull and shake the crap out of her.

i get a little…hostile…when i see things like that go down.  it’s hard for me to not say something or intervene in some way.  i manage to maintain my self control, but it isn’t easy.

why the downer post today?

because this girl is with a potential abuser and her friends know it.

if you have friends who are having a universally negative reaction to the person you’re dating, listen to them.  they are seeing something you don’t.

you are not special and do not possess super powers that will “change” someone into a decent person.  you cannot be good enough, love them enough or make them happy enough.  no one can.  people like this asshole are victimizers.  they will never be with someone they cannot control.

friends and family aren’t always the best barometer.  they can make mistakes.  but that tends to happen with a small number.  when all the friends you trust most and you know love you are in unison about their feelings, negative ones, for the person you’re dating, listen to them.  get out.  find someone who you don’t have to constantly defend.

*kicks soapbox*

have you ever seen a friend or family member making a mistake by dating someone they shouldn’t?

have you ever not listened to your friends or family and regretted it?


15 comments on “rage post…you’ve been warned

  1. I was seeing a girl that evoked the same reaction in any one of my friends who looked up her Facebook profile. It was a silence, followed by ‘O’. They didn’t call me out (other than they’re subtle disapprovals), but I never really dated her. I trust they would if I would’ve.

    With my ex girlfriend, things were different. She changed me in a way I felt was good. My study scores went up, but I sacrificed video games, lazy Sunday mornings for church and, well, slacking. Some of my friends didn’t like her for that and kept warning me how she was changing me. I was fully aware of the changes and thankful for the person I was becoming (slowly). These aren’t good friends anymore, which I am more than glad about. It’s also a matter of who to listen to.

  2. daterofboys says:

    I had a friend who was with an abusive guy…one night, he sent her to the hospital, where she got stitches…and yet, she secretly kept seeing him, after. When I found out that he was still around, I LOST IT on her…

    Looking back (now that she’s seen his true colours), she says that the night she needed stitches, her thought was that “he’s done the worst, so now he’ll repent and treat me right.” Strange how women think this way…she knows better now, but it really affects future relationships…you think the worst of anyone new in your life.

  3. becca3416 says:

    I have been on both sides of this situation. This is such crucial advice. Unfortunately, I think it is one of those most people have to live and learn. I know I did… and amen to that! Great post.

  4. Katie Alicea says:

    I’ve been the girl that was being abused. I did it off and on for ten years with the same guy. Basically everyone I knew (even people I didn’t know) tried to help me get away. Now, when I see it happening to other women, or anyone in general, I feel the same way you felt. I want to help. I want to stop it. I want to kick their nuts into their throat. But I know that won’t help. The love, grace, and mercy of Jesus was the only thing that saved me, and I pray that my ex has chosen or will choose the same path as well.

  5. najaorama says:

    Well said. Sometime we can’t tell how bad a relationship is from the inside, We need our friends and family to show us hoqw f’d up the situation really is.

  6. We are working to establish a transition home for survivors of domestic violence and abuse right now! I have to say, I had no idea how frequently abusive relationships occur until I was working in an environment that refused to allow me to keep my head in the sand. And it’s not just physical abuse. It’s mental, emotional, and psychological to the point where a lot of victims don’t think they deserve to be treated any better. Sadly, a woman will leave her abuser an average of 7 times before successfully ending the relationship. And the rate of women who are killed trying to leave an abuser is sickening.

    It’s an epidemic, and one that seems to be continually perpetuated through ignorance, misunderstanding, and fear. If you’d like to learn more about our project you can visit our blog (cottonwoodtransition.wordpress.com). We could use all the help, encouragement, and support we can get to pass on to those who need it most!

    Great post Sherideth. Thanks for being one of the few who are willing to take a stand against dating abuse when you see it!

  7. A lot of my gfs were in abusive relationships. It doesn’t do any good to tell them to get out of it. They just make excuses.

  8. Yeah, I have regretted not listening to family and friends because the guy I was dating I was into him and I didn’t care about what others said about him. To make a long story short, they were right. I was continually stressed, being accused of stuff and in his eyes I couldn’t be trusted. The relationship is over now and I realized I am happy. You have to let people learn themselves, you can talk to them all day long not to be with this person but they have to experience it.

  9. crpeterson says:

    Really great post. A friend of mine immediately came to mind and I wish I could make her see the light and dump the loser!!! I guess you just have to keep reminding them of how different things COULD be.

  10. susanft says:

    I’ve been on both sides. And I’ve also been the one to speak up – which is not always welcomed it is true.
    I value deeply the opinions of my family and friends but have struggled with being a bit of a martyr – that ridiculous notion that I can be the one that will be ”different”.
    I’m getting better. Better at saying NO to b.s.. NO to potential abusers and also way better at listening to my own gut instincts as well as the advice and opinions of my friends.
    It has to be said though, we keep being giving the lessons until we learn them. ouch.

  11. ghfool says:

    A great friend of mine (I was the best man at his wedding) told me at his bachelor party that love was overrated and that he and his soon 2B wife had an awesome sex life. Four years later they were divorced.

  12. asoulwalker says:

    Only once did I have friends tell me to break up with a girl. I didn’t listen. It was awful… as in I-should-have-stayed-broken-up-with-her-the-first-time-we-broke-up-awful. I was so surprised that friends I trusted actually told me to break up with someone that I think I didn’t quite get it until it was too late.

  13. Lenolaroad says:

    My dear Aunt Fran used to say, “Everyone else can’t be wrong.” If everone else around you says your love interest is an asshat they probably are.

  14. reneamac says:

    This is also why a girl’s girlfriends need to speak up and be direct; loving, and direct.

  15. Outreach relationships don’t work. Period.

    It’s a rule I live by. Dating doesn’t fix problems. Marriage doesn’t fix problems. The closer you get to someone the bigger the issues get. So I’ve told this to a lot of friends, and a heck of a lot of the time, they don’t get it until it’s too late. Just look at how married people go to counseling and dating couples do not. Things escalate.

    Sure, you can rub off in a positive way. But do that as a friend, not as a significant other.

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