dear sharideth: am i his Christian booty call?

Dear Sharideth,

So I’ve got a situation….there’s this boy (as there is in any situation!). We’ve known each other for about a year now, and for a couple of months we’ve been spending quite a bit of time together, heaps of texting (mostly initiated by him), and more and more one on one time recently. I quite like him! Like quite a lot! But the problem is I have no idea where I stand with him!! He’s so flirty and when we are together we act like a couple, but he NEVER actually says that he likes me…and it’s been going on for so long, it’s exhausting!

I’m scared hes never actually going to make a move and ask me out. I’m starting to feel, in a weird way, like his Christian booty call. I’ll go over and we will kind of snuggle and watch movies, but minus any committment!

It’s kind of exhausting and I feel a bit used! I really don’t know what to do. I want him to initiate whatever happens, but I have a sinking feeling he may never initate anything!

Any ideas on what I should do?

Thanks,

Just a Booty Call?

dear JABC?,

ideas?  do i have ideas?  i have tons of ideas!  most involve ways to get MegaMillions rich while not actually doing anything, but i don’t think those are the ideas you mean.

are you being treated like a Christian booty call?  yes.  does he actually think that’s all you are?  there’s no way to know that from what you’ve told me.  you’re probably going to have to straight up ask him.

breathe.  annnnnd one more time.  in and out.  in and out.

it’s not that big of a deal.  stressful?  yes.  but necessary. 

there’s really only two options:

1.  you are a booty call and you need to quit him.  the schmuck.

2.  he’s not sure what to do next and you have to let him what’s okay.

the way to figure it out is to simply tell him what you’re thinking.  like, “i really dig hanging out like this with you, but i need to know what you want next.  i’m in if there’s a next step, but if that’s not what you’re thinking, i’ve got to not do this anymore.”

got it?  yeah?  awesome.  my powers of assumption are legend.

for more on this, feel free to spend 3 minutes on “but what if i lose the friendship?”

have you ever been someone’s booty call?  Christian or otherwise?

any other advice for our friend?

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17 comments on “dear sharideth: am i his Christian booty call?

  1. Sharideth wrote: “the way to figure it out is to simply tell him what you’re thinking. like, “i really dig hanging out like this with you, but i need to know what you want next. i’m in if there’s a next step, but if that’s not what you’re thinking, i’ve got to not do this anymore.””

    If it were me, I’d suggest replacing that last sentence with something like “I need to know what destination you have in mind or if this IS the destination.” Telling him you’re not going to do it anymore if he doesn’t say there’s a next step increases the chances of him lying reflexively. Not doing this anymore if he doesn’t intend a real relationship is definitely what you need to DO, but I wouldn’t tend to say it till after he’d committed to a course of action. However, Sharideth is always free to point out why that’s a bad idea. 😀

  2. Michael Mock says:

    “I really don’t know what to do. I want him to initiate whatever happens, but I have a sinking feeling he may never initiate anything!”

    [Expletive deleted] that noise. What you have here is a self-imposed Catch-22. You want things to move along, but you want him to be the one to move them along. No. You want things to move, you move them.

    Granted, it’s possible that if you just wait a little bit longer, or drop the right sort of hint, he will suddenly wake up and move things forward for you. It’s also possible that you’ll win the lottery or get struck by lightning. Waiting for other people to realize that you want things is a good recipe for not getting the things you want.

    Seriously, if you want to ‘take things to the next level’, or whatever, then do so. If you want to know what he’s thinking, or what his take on the situation is, ask. I’d bet good money that he’s enjoying things the way they are – however he perceives the current arrangement – because otherwise he’d be doing something else.

    If you want results, take action.

    And for the love of all that’s holy, don’t expect anyone in your life to be able to read your mind.

  3. Have been, not christian, which made it pretty clear where it was heading, so in a few weeks we lost each other on the rocks of a crashed never-relationship. I feel there’s a lot of information missing in this particular case. Does she want to date him? Do they talk about dating others? Why hasn’t she made a move yet (it seems like all the conditions are well in place)?

    I like your advice, but I feel you’re using stereotypical gender roles a lot. If she wants to date him, she could just tell him. If she doesn’t, this is a weird situation in the first place. Why just call him out on not making any moves and then put him in the situation to make decisions? Why not make the desicion herself and act on that one?

  4. I call it pseudo dating and I think Christian boys are the worst offenders when it comes to this being emotionally satisfied without committing because you aren’t doing anything “bad”, “mean” or “harmful.” Quite frankly, ladies and men, don’t do it, and the best way I have found, is to make it clear that certain behaviors like cuddling/snuggling – indicate a change in emotions. If you like me, great let’s go down that road, if you don’t and you’ve got a case of the lonelies go bark up another tree. Maybe that’s harsh, but after all the dating catastrophes of my twenties I have less patience.

  5. Jake says:

    I basically WAS this guy when I was in college. He definitely is being a schmuck, but in his (and my?) defense, it could be for completely innocent reasons. I was super naive and had never had a girlfriend and was basically afraid that if I made some kind of commitment and then we didn’t end up married, then the relationship would automatically have to end badly sometime, and I wanted to protect girls I liked from that eventuality. Without ever defining it to myself, I think I basically wanted to flirt and date with no commitment until I knew we were going to get married. So, sorry. From him and me. I think Sharideth’s advice is right on. Once I actually realized I was a schmuck, I certainly didn’t want to KEEP being one!

  6. I get her desire to have him get the ship moving in the right direction, but…why is she snuggling with him at all? That probably shouldn’t have started, and it certainly ought to stop until this thing is sorted out. I’m not trying to blame her for the whole mess — I’m just saying she’s not helping the situation here. They both could be handling this better.

  7. susanft says:

    oh yeah been there done that and got the bible verse to prove it…
    and yes unfortunately i think christian men are as bad if not worse. why? becuase there’s no actualy SEX involved (usually) they seem to be able to justify the snuggles as not being that important.
    I’m with bethagrace. close the shop unless he’s prepared to purchase.

  8. susanft says:

    but don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s a Christian thing…it’s a guy/girl thing. that’s it.

  9. Elsabelle says:

    Wow, I’m thinking I’ve just been “Christian hit upon” by a SUPPOSEDLY “Christian” guy who I know from my kids’ homeschool group for crying out loud. The minute he heard that my husband had left, I started getting these random FB messages asking how “things at home” were going, was he still living at home, did he cheat on me, and would I “like to get even with him” and “make him jealous!!” Then he told me to just stop by his house, and later sent me a message that he had just gotten out of the shower so when was I coming over :-0!! Wow, talk about subtle. Funny thing is, when I pointed out that his initial offer was to “hang out and TALK,” he sent me a frown face and I haven’t heard from him anymore. Pathetic how someone like this posts FB comments all day long portraying themselves one way to the public, then stoops so low to use someone who has obviously already been hurt & betrayed and in need of a FRIEND. But, word up to all you single ladies in the church — Jesus said not all who cry “Lord, Lord” will enter the kingdom of heaven . . . but that sure doesn’t stop ’em from tryin’ to enter your BEDROOM!! (lol) Beware!

  10. sabrina says:

    There’s such a thing as “Christian” booty call? YIKES! Seems to me anyone who would be making any sort of booty call is not a real Christian at all…but then maybe I’m just old-fashioned. Seems to me the young lady needs to be straight with this guy and ask what his intentions are. If he can’t or won’t give you an answer then you need to move on if marriage is what you have in mind. Men can afford to waste a woman’s time but not vice versa.

  11. sabrina says:

    Also, I think that just ANYTHING that may inflame passions or cause one’s thoughts to go astray can be considered just as lustful or sinful as engaging in sex. Even says so in the scriptures. If people are ‘platonic’ friends, they do not snuggle or cuddle.

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