girls sometimes forget that their boyfriends aren’t girlfriends. they want to interact the same way they would with their besties and it makes guys cringeshuddershrink. yeah, i know that’s not a real word, but it should be because every guy reading this knows exactly what i mean.
i recently read an article called 5 Questions Every Man Dreads. and surprise! i don’t have any criticism of it. at least not enough to fully mock the crap out of it like i normally would. what i am going to do is answer them on behalf of men every where, so women can stop feeling the need to ask them. and by need, i mean obsessive compulsion.
ladies, there will some insight for you along the way about why you just can’t help yourself when it comes to these questions, so be prepared to get pretty pissed at me.
1. Are you attracted to other women?
- Answer: Yes.
guys, if you say no, you know you’re lying, i know you’re lying, she knows you’re lying, people you’ve never met know you’re lying. being attracted to other women isn’t a character flaw, it’s biology. it has happened, will happen, is happening. no big deal as long as the girl you’re with is the focus of your attention. appreciate a pretty face and move on. most of you already do this.
ladies, stop fricking fishing. you know he finds other women attractive, stop trying to make him lie to you to make yourself feel better. because that’s what you’re doing. how do i know? contrary to popular belief, i do have a uterus and have done this very thing. am i outing all woman-kind? oh, heck yes.
2. What happened in your past relationships?
- Answer: A whole lot of crap that I really don’t want to talk about and regurgitate so you can pick it apart and over analyze it.
guys, the only time you should go into past relationships with your girl is if it is having negative effects on your relationship today. can you bold a period? cuz’ i totally would.
ladies, stop trying to get him to tell you how much better you are than everyone else he has dated. oh no i di-int! oh yes, i did. asking him to pull out all the ghosts of relationships past doesn’t do anyone any good. you’re just going to lose sleep over it if he says anything positive about anyone, so let it go. any any any any… figured a few more couldn’t hurt.
3. Where (or how) do you think our relationship is going?
- Answer: Take a breath. It’s all good.
guys, having a DTR convo may have to take place at some point, so have an answer on your back burner. especially if you’ve been a little ambivalent. the best way to avoid this one is to just make your intentions as clear as possible. it’s probably best for all involved if you don’t make her feel like she has to ask this one, because then you might be on damage control.
ladies, please don’t do this one too early. if he’s dragging his feet about committing, do not throw down with this question or an ultimatum if the relationship is new. he might just jackrabbit right outta there. if you’ve been together for a while and it seems to be going nowhere, then by all means, ask away.
4. What are you thinking?
- Answer A: Nothing.
- Answer B: Something.
guys, women are biologically incapable of thinking nothing. they do not understand that you can actually idle without a single thought in your head. i’m going to do my best to get them to accept this. but it’s going to be slow. if you are thinking about something, then just say so.
ladies, if a guy answers “nothing”, believe him. if you keep poking at him to tell you something, he’ll end up lying to just to shut you up.
5. Do you enjoy being with your friends more than being with me?
- Answer: Sometimes.
guys, it is okay to still want to spend time with your buddies. healthy even. there’s probably things you can do with them that she has no interest in. awesome. fine. do that.
ladies, it’s not a competition. you don’t have to be involved in everything he does and truth? you shouldn’t want to be. have your girl time, let him have his guy time and be happy with the together time. this question just makes you sound clingy and needy.
asking questions in relationships is good. it’s awesome. it’s bold and healthy. just make sure you check your motives. if you are asking because you are looking to get some sort of ego stroke or because your insecurity is getting the better of you, leave it alone. if you are asking because you have legit concerns about the how the answers might effect the relationship, then by all means, ask away.
guys, did i get any of these wrong?
are there any any any any other questions you want me to answer?
ladies, what are the questions you dread being asked?