flirting don’ts

sometimes, when you put a bunch of single people in the same room together, let’s say a bar, blogs happen.

like right now.

sweet baby ducks, it was horrifying.

now maybe because i’m old and married it’s easy for me to be an observer of the carnage that happens when people try to flirt with each other, but short of stabbing me in the retina with a glow stick, i’m not sure it could be more obvious.

here’s just some of things i saw this weekend.  and in case it’s not clear, these are things i don’t recommend.  and by don’t recommend, i mean you will end up alone with a bathrobe collection.

1.  stabbing the object of your affection in the retina with a glow stick.  yeah, you thought i made that up for humor sake.  don’t i wish.  this girl’s first mistake was being in possession of a glow stick.  her second was bringing it into a bar that was so crowded, i’m pretty sure someone got pregnant by just trying to squeeze through.  her third was to be so proud of her glow stick that she started waving it around and now some poor guy is wearing an eye patch.

2.  dancing up on a girl who doesn’t want to dance with you.  she doesn’t want to dance with you so much, she grabs your friend and starts dancing with him to make you go away.  then you send your friend a passive aggressive text message about not stepping on your game.  yeah, i saw that text.  it was as sad as it was amazing.

3.  yelling at a guy (who you approached) for looking at your boobs when you are wearing a shirt cut to your c-section scar and have glitter on your chest.  that’s all i have to say about that.

4.  putting your arm around a girl you have never met and creepily smiling at her.  the girl slid away from him like he was covered in boogers.  who knows.  he might have been.

le sigh

part of me wants to fix all these people and part of me gets a morbid kick out of watching them crash headlong into the romance toilet.  sometimes my nice self needs to punch my mean self in the neck.

what are some flirting don’ts you’ve witnessed or been involved in?  you don’t have to confess if you were the one who caused someone to have to wear an eye patch.

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21 comments on “flirting don’ts

  1. Any guy who does number 4 should be banned from social events. There is nothing I hate more than a random person putting his arms around me and smiling like a slime ball. And I guess number 1,2, and 3 are bad too. BUT NUMBER 4 ughhhh

  2. alonewithnobathrobes says:

    Telling a girl I like her boots and then asking if I can have them. Ouch . I actually think that line might have worked if I were a cute girl. ha

  3. holly says:

    thankfully i cannot relate to any of the points in your actual blog post. however that’s probably because, unfortunately, i relate to 2 out of 3 of the boxes in the comic. hint: not box #1.

  4. Jenn says:

    Given that I spend much more time on express buses and trains these days than in bars, I have to say, I have witness too many conversations on buses. What defines an express bus from a bar is that it’s not 7am, I’m not there to socialize and I’m captive. It makes me squirm already when someone starts to talk to me about what I’m reading and not taking the hint in my non-reply or vague curt reply that I’m not interested in talking. I am sure I’ve witnessed all sorts of horrors – but I think I’ve blocked them out for the sake of my sanity

  5. My girlfriend told me just a few minutes ago how she was introduced by a guy who motorboated her (as in: his way of shaking hands). I’m not sure if he was flirting or trying to get some action before descending into his mother’s dungeon, but she slapped him, just as I told her in my course: ‘How to condition men to improve their flirting techniques and keep their filthy hands of women’, soon to be available online.

    Apart from men touching women as a desperate attempt (see my comments on hitting men from before), I love to see guys flirt and fail. I can watch it for hours. Also, I laugh just as hard at my own failures.

  6. JBen says:

    Um, where on earth were you?

  7. iedarla says:

    Don’t call me BABY! I have never met your dumb ass before and I ain’t your Freckin BABY!!!! Nice Blog BTW. Oh and Defiantly do not touch me, that is for the “A” list only.

  8. Laurie says:

    I don’t know if I was trying to flirt, but I was invited salsa dancing with a group. I was told to wear sexy heels as that is the only proper salsa shoe etiquette. I’d had a group pre party lesson, but I knew it wasn’t near enough. Those places are packed with men asking everyone to dance. I was really putting myself out there and saying yes to whoever asked me to dance. When I came to sit down for a break one of the girls in our group was cleaning up her bloody leg and holding an ice pack to it. I immediately said “OMG,” except I said oh my God, as OMG wasn’t popular yet. “What happened?” No one would look at me. Then they kindly explained to me I had stepped on her. In my defense it was crowded. But I stopped dancing. Forever.

  9. haha.. yep, that’ll do it. Man, that had to hurt.

  10. Regan says:

    A popular one for teenage boys seems to be talking about all the girls he has on a string. Don’t know how that’s supposed to attract the girl he is talking to, but I see it tried time and time again. I’m a high school teacher, btw. I don’t just observe teenage boys for fun. There’s probably a good one I could list for the girls too. I’ll think on it and add it when I have more time. Don’t want to be sexist or anything.

  11. jennw2ns says:

    Thank you for reminding me how glad I am all this is over. This is not gloating. It is a big ol’ sigh of RELIEF.

  12. Bethany says:

    Sadly, I generally fall into box three. Since I’m generally outgoing, the guys I like most usually think I hate them.

  13. asoulwalker says:

    Number three is classic and happens all the time. You may not feel the need to comment but I would love to hear what Camille Paglia would say about it. She has a way with words about these sorts of things.

    My favourite flirting crash and burn involved the question,

    “Hey so do you want to go get some pancakes and I’ll tell you why I sleep on the floor?”

    If you could have seen the look on the girls face after she got asked that… it was awesome.

  14. I was at a concert with friends, drinking a longneck beer. A guy walked up to me, not saying a word, and slammed the bottom of his beer bottle on top of mine. Which, by the way, causes the beer to foam and pretty much explode out of the top. I had no idea how to respond. I pointed the beer at him so it wouldn’t get all over me. He put his thumb over the bottle to try to keep it from spewing and said “I didn’t realize you would be such a bad sport about it.” I just looked at him and asked why he thought it was a good idea to do that. He pulled another beer OUT OF HIS PANTS and handed it to me. He then called me a hag for refusing to drink a beer that had previously been in his pants.

  15. Michael Mock says:

    “…Part of me wants to fix all these people and part of me gets a morbid kick out of watching them crash headlong into the romance toilet.”

    Can we fix them with duct tape? ‘Cause that would be the best of both worlds, really.

  16. edrevets says:

    I went through a phase in which my flirting with this one guy consisted of us trying to kill each other, usually by choking or stabbing. It wasn’t real, of course, but it was really annoying for my friends.

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