what’s the best thing about Valentine’s Day for singles? the fact that no matter how alone you are today, it’s better than what you are about to read. yesterday Jon Acuff wrote about terrible Christian first dates and asked his readers to tell their own awful date stories. there were some good ones. one even came close to my worst date, but i still win. and unless you got murdered on your date, i will always win. i first posted this on Tyler Tarver’s blog about a year ago and figured i’d do a little reposting. you know, because misery loves compadres…which is Dutch for blog readers. for those who have read it already, too bad. read it again. it’s a sure bet you missed something the first time.
worst. date. ever.
i hear people talk about having the worst date in the history of naughty bits and i don’t even have to listen to the rest of the story to know that i win that trophy. seriously, it’s on my night stand.
the actual date was my prom night. the year of prom i will not tell you, but there will probably be clues to get you close along the way. however, the badness started way before that night….
2 weeks before prom:
- i worked in a tux shop so my date got his tux for free. i had it all picked out to go with the dress i was wearing; my mom’s ivory, tea-length wedding dress. it was very Cindi Lauper. when my date went in for his fitting, he changed the tie and cumber bun to bright yellow without telling me. doesn’t sound too tragic? he was a pasty white and blond. the yellow totally washed him out. oh AND IT CLASHED LIKE THE TITANS WITH MY DRESS!!!
- my parents informed me they would be out of town.
the day before prom:
- my date called to tell me that he lost his license and i would have to drive my mom’s 86′ Buick Skyhawk.
the day of prom:
- my 2 best friends, Cori (girl) and Craig (boy) came over to help me get ready. this isn’t bad only noteworthy because one became my maid of honor and one became my husband. i’ll let you guess which is which. Craig just thinks of it as possibly the most pathetic moment of his life.
- i pick up my licenseless date and we head to dinner. where i paid. “my parents didn’t give me any money.” good thing my parents did give me money…so i could for eat for the weekend while they were gone.
- during the dance, the sleeves ripped out of my dress. apparently 30 year old lace doesn’t hold up against the Running Man.
- my date put his hand on my butt ever chance he got. he got so grabby, my other guy friends took turns dancing with me during slow songs so he couldn’t touch me anymore. apparently they had gotten an ear full of his plans for me that night and intervened. plans included driving to the beach, getting a hotel room and well, you get the picture. all of which, i was expected to pay for clearly out of sheer gratitude for the exceptional time i was having.
after the prom:
- my friend Rick invited me, not my date, to go with him and his girlfriend out to ice cream to try and salvage my night. my date overheard the plans and enthusiastically accepted.
- when we got to the ice cream parlor, the door on my mom’s car broke and i couldn’t close it. a very nice limo driver got out his tool box and he and Rick and i fixed it while my date sat inside eating ice cream that Rick paid for.
- the limo driver, come to find out, had driven my very jealous ex boyfriend to the same ice cream parlor and he and my date nearly came to blows while his date wished me dead.
- did i mention i had grease stains on my mom’s wedding dress from laying on the ground to fix the door? yeah.
- i drove my date home.
- he tried to kiss me.
- i shoved him in the face.
- i drove me home.
- only to find out my house had been broken into and the burglar was still there.
- i left to find a pay phone (cells phones were still a ways off yet unless you were rich). i called the cops and my ex boyfriends parents.
- the cops didn’t get the burglar, but i did get to stay the night at my ex boyfriend’s house. he and i weren’t exactly speaking, but his parents still adored me.
the next day:
- i got to work late at the tux shop due to having to wait for my ex to drive me back to my car and was promptly fired.
i know you can’t beat that, but we both know you’re going to try.
so let’s hear them. worst date ever stories. go.
Happy Freaking Valentine’s Day.