worst. date. ever.

what’s the best thing about Valentine’s Day for singles?  the fact that no matter how alone you are today, it’s better than what you are about to read.  yesterday Jon Acuff wrote about terrible Christian first dates and asked his readers to tell their own awful date stories.  there were some good ones.  one even came close to my worst date, but i still win.  and unless you got murdered on your date, i will always win.  i first posted this on Tyler Tarver’s blog about a year ago and figured i’d do a little reposting.  you know, because misery loves compadres…which is Dutch for blog readers.  for those who have read it already, too bad.  read it again.  it’s a sure bet you missed something the first time.

enjoy.

worst. date. ever.

i hear people talk about having the worst date in the history of naughty bits and i don’t even have to listen to the rest of the story to know that i win that trophy.  seriously, it’s on my night stand.

the actual date was my prom night.  the year of prom i will not tell you, but there will probably be clues to get you close along the way.  however, the badness started way before that night….

2 weeks before prom:

  • i worked in a tux shop so my date got his tux for free.  i had it all picked out to go with the dress i was wearing; my mom’s ivory, tea-length wedding dress.  it was very Cindi Lauper.  when my date went in for his fitting, he changed the tie and cumber bun to bright yellow without telling me.  doesn’t sound too tragic?  he was a pasty white and blond.  the yellow totally washed him out.  oh AND IT CLASHED LIKE THE TITANS WITH MY DRESS!!!
  • my parents informed me they would be out of town.

the day before prom:

  • my date called to tell me that he lost his license and i would have to drive my mom’s 86′ Buick Skyhawk.

the day of prom:

  • my 2 best friends, Cori (girl) and Craig (boy) came over to help me get ready.  this isn’t bad only noteworthy because one became my maid of honor and one became my husband.  i’ll let you guess which is which.  Craig just thinks of it as possibly the most pathetic moment of his life.

the event:

  • i pick up my licenseless date and we head to dinner.  where i paid.  “my parents didn’t give me any money.”  good thing my parents did give me money…so i could for eat for the weekend while they were gone.
  • during the dance, the sleeves ripped out of my dress.  apparently 30 year old lace doesn’t hold up against the Running Man.
  • my date put his hand on my butt ever chance he got.  he got so grabby, my other guy friends took turns dancing with me during slow songs so he couldn’t touch me anymore.  apparently they had gotten an ear full of his plans for me that night and intervened.  plans included driving to the beach, getting a hotel room and well, you get the picture.  all of which, i was expected to pay for clearly out of sheer gratitude for the exceptional time i was having.

after the prom:

  • my friend Rick invited me, not my date, to go with him and his girlfriend out to ice cream to try and salvage my night.  my date overheard the plans and enthusiastically accepted.
  • when we got to the ice cream parlor, the door on my mom’s car broke and i couldn’t close it.  a very nice limo driver got out his tool box and he and Rick and i fixed it while my date sat inside eating ice cream that Rick paid for.
  • the limo driver, come to find out, had driven my very jealous ex boyfriend to the same ice cream parlor and he and my date nearly came to blows while his date wished me dead.
  • did i mention i had grease stains on my mom’s wedding dress from laying on the ground to fix the door?  yeah.
  • i drove my date home.
  • he tried to kiss me.
  • i shoved him in the face.
  • i drove me home.
  • only to find out my house had been broken into and the burglar was still there.
  • i left to find a pay phone (cells phones were still a ways off yet unless you were rich).  i called the cops and my ex boyfriends parents.
  • the cops didn’t get the burglar, but i did get to stay the night at my ex boyfriend’s house.  he and i weren’t exactly speaking, but his parents still adored me.

the next day:

  • i got to work late at the tux shop due to having to wait for my ex to drive me back to my car and was promptly fired.

the end

i know you can’t beat that, but we both know you’re going to try.

so let’s hear them.  worst date ever stories.  go.

Happy Freaking Valentine’s Day.

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23 comments on “worst. date. ever.

  1. Tyler Smith says:

    wow. that was terrible.

    How’d you know the burglar was still there?

  2. Rachel says:

    Okay. You’re right. That takes the cake. I was reading along and thinking it’s bad but not THAT bad, but then it kept going. By the time you reached home and found a burglar my jaw was sitting on my desk. What an awful weekend, but a great can’t-top-this story! Glad you survived and that Craig got to be a part of the fiasco.

  3. Jenn says:

    I’ve had some lame ones but the one that takes the cake for me started at 1pm – we met at the local market area (like Pike Place but not) for coffee and a listen to the annual city wide Jazz festival. He didn’t pay or offer to pay for the coffee – but not a big deal. So then he got pooped on by a seagull (I might have snickered). After he got cleaned up he suggested we walk this long seawall, after 4 hours of one sided painful conversation we found ourselves in an area of the downtown with restaurants and he suggests we get dinner. Now I was hoping to be set free and not invited for dinner. It was just awkward. But I was hungry and my feet hurt – so why not eat before getting on transit? So although he suggested dinner – he didn’t pay and didn’t even suggest after my card declined… I got it worked out. And then he suggested after that let’s go see a movie. Now seriously I should have just said no, but since I had to walk that direction anyway let’s just say maybe I was hoping the date after all that time would have a breakthrough. We got to the theatre and the only two movies showing at that moment was some exorcism film and the Hangover. So he picked the Hangover. I would have normally probably cringed and walked out of it but I found it kind of funny – even funnier that he was squirming the entire time. After all was said and done at about 10pm – he walked me to the bus and gave me a side hug and a bye. After a 9 hour date – I got a side hug and a pretty cold one at that.

    While it wasn’t your date Sharideth – it and the second and third dates I had with him – yes I did go out again in the hopes of maybe trying to train him just a little – it didn’t work. Oddly he was dating a few women at the same time and I didn’t make the cut. I’m not surprised about not making the cut, I’m surprised he had multiple dates…

    • Wait, wait! Who paid for the movie? I think you’re an excellent second.

      • Jenn says:

        I paid for my ticket – he paid for his. The second date was in some ways worse – he made me walk him to his car – which was in the opposite direction to my home, but before he got in his car he put me on the bus with an equally awkward hug to the first date – it’s now known here at graduate school as the Jesus and the Apostles hug – in that there was enough room between the two of us for all of them and maybe the Holy Spirit too… For the record I lived about 15 minutes away from where we had had dinner that night – which again he didn’t offer to pay for.

        • Sounds like a keeper. I wish my graduate school was that funny, I had never remotely heard of that.

          • Jenn says:

            You just need to hang out with the older single girls – then again we might scandalize you a bit – there are a lot of really bad date experiences and some of us – like myself, have decided to laugh about it – even turn things like an awkward hug into something that is always brought up – like the fact that being left handed means there is always a seat next to me in the chapel (they have the folding desks and I use the one on the chair next to me) so it’s where Jesus and the Apostles sit lest any boy sit next to me – my friends call it the Jesus and the Apostles chair and it gets the oddest looks from people who don’t know – but every time someone laughs at that it reminds me that making the best of a situation is sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane.

    • asoulwalker says:

      Side Hug… hilarious.

  4. sirtilc42 says:

    WOW… that is an instant classic. I was spared prom… by being dumped the month before (it was also close to my birthday and she had the heart to give me a gift quite literally as she broke up with me) so I guess it’s not bad?

  5. stephaniewiseman says:

    I’ve heard this told so many times since high school and I STILL laugh at (and cry for) you, my friend. Love it!

  6. Thankfully my worst date story doesn’t even come close to yours but it is a humorous one to me.

    I had met this guy on match.com. It was one of those things where he had four photos… in two of them he was nice looking, in two of them, not so much. Thankfully, he was the former (though he did get dubbed uni-brow dude after said date…)

    We had some nice chats but also a lot of it was talking about himself and what he’s looking for in a wife. I’m a good listener and also good at keeping conversation going by asking questions. However, I wouldn’t have minded if he had asked me some questions and wanted to know more about me. He also one upped my dad (when I told him what my dad did for a living). And wasn’t sure what the “Holy Spirit” was all about. Both of these really should’ve alerted me. (Also, his last girlfriend broke up with him because he wasn’t a very strong spiritual leader, which baffled him. “But I go to church!” <– my response? YOU DON'T KNOW WHO THE HOLY SPIRIT IS?!)
    Oh, AND, I had put on my dating profile that I was saving my first kiss for the altar. I didn't want someone to go on a date with me who didn't know that ahead of time because I felt it would be unfair to them to start something if they weren't down with that. He asked me at Starbucks, "So, is that true, that you're saving your first kiss for the altar, or is that just something you say to draw the guys in?" <– jaw dropped just a little… oh yeah, telling a guy you don't want to kiss is definitely a way to entice them in…)
    My well-intentioned family encouraged me to give it a second shot. Heck, even I was thinking, it's always awkward meeting someone for the first time.

    I agreed on a second date.
    So, I'm sitting there in the Olive Garden about a week later. He was running late. And this gave me time to realize that I didn't really have the desire to be there. That's a bummer to wish the date were over before it's really began.

    He got there and we sat down for dinner.
    I'm not even kidding when I tell you that the waiter came to take our order. He went first (duly-noted but OK) and then… he ordered for me! And, not only did he order for me but he ordered for me pretty much the least expensive thing on the menu (all you can eat soup, salad and breadsticks). I was slightly dumbfounded. And to be honest, I did not object because that's actually what I probably would've ordered anyway. I like that zuppa toscana 🙂

    He grabs for the bill. Being polite I say that I can grab my half. He declines. So I say thank you. Since you bought dinner, I could purchase the movie tickets? His response: "that would be great, thanks!"

    So, we go see Horton Hears A Who! The whole movie I am thinking, "how am I going to tell this guy that I am not interested?" We walk out to the car and he drives me back to mine (still at the Olive Garden). No car, restaurant, or movie theater doors opened (duly-noted). I thank him for the evening and I'm on my merry way.

    The funny part is that I was STILL considering giving him a third date. Sometimes you never know. You hear those stories of how people didn't like each other at first. But after talking to some of the people in my Community Group (aka Bible Study), I was encouraged to let him know that I wasn't interested. So, I called him and left an awkward voicemail. In retrospect, who knows if he was even ever going to call me again (though, the signs were there that he was interested… still, not entirely smooth on my part.)

    He called me back and we made some small talk. I then just came out and told him that I appreciated his time but respectfully wanted to let him know that I was not interested. He took it fairly well.

    Honestly, it doesn't even hold a candle to your story but it still is amusing for me to reflect on it. : )

    • You confuse me a bit. It’s clear that you two didn’t connect, but he doesn’t sound that bad. I get why you didn’t go through, but the confusing part for me is what you say about dinner. Besides ordering cheap food and being late, neither of the things he does are bad in themselves (are they?). Of all the things that came back in the alpha male discussion a few weeks ago, he does about everything right. Ordering your food (taking the lead), picking up the bill (showing he could provide), thanking you for offering to split (acknowledging the opportunity) are not bad things, or am I reading it wrong? Also, you seem to emphasize his respons when you offer him movie tickets. I honestly don’t see what you want to show here.

      I’m not saying he’s a good date for you, I’m just taking notes (note to self: open doors).

      • Sorry for the confusion. Mostly, I was just sharing what was a funny story to me. He was a nice guy, don’t get me wrong. I think, for me, the things he did were just a big turn off. a) ordering for me would be good and fine if he knew me/ my likes and dislikes — what if I didn’t like soup, salad, and breadsticks? b) picking up the bill – a definite plus, I appreciate this — most definitely! c) to be honest, I think women offer to help with the bill to be polite but I think that a guy should pay on the first couple of dates, as you mention, to show he can provide. The movie tickets ended up costing more than dinner cost. 🙂 Yes, my fault for offering to pay if I didn’t really mean it. And it’s not even that I didn’t mean that I would pay… I was just surprised that he allowed me to pay for it. That’s all =) Does that clarify? I’m not trying to say he’s a bad guy… just a bad guy for me 🙂

  7. jennw2ns says:

    Sharideth, you win for worst single date ever, but I’ve had so many dates that come pretty darn close, that I think I win for worst overall DATING ever. Like, pretty much every date I ever had until I was 36 was somewhere in the realm of yours, without the burglar. But also without the excuse of “well, he was in high school.” On account of I didn’t date in high school. Or college, for that matter.

    Of all my lame dates, this story gets the best response from . . . well, guys, mostly. (It makes them feel good about themselves. 🙂 )

    I met a guy on ChristianCafe. I guess I was probably 34–he was around 36, I think. He was handsome and intelligent-sounding, a good writer (always key), and his profile included things like enjoying reading aloud together, etc. Not a “must,” but a very impressive bonus, in my mind. Oh, and he was more or less local. (By which I mean, in the same state. But since it’s a New England state and those are small, and since there aren’t apparently many single Christian men in New England, that amounted to local.)

    Also, he got in touch with me first. This didn’t always happen, so I was extra encouraged. The trouble was, when we first made contact, he was in Asia on a business trip. “Listen,” he said, “there’s a Rebecca St. James concert at [such and such a place] the day after I get back. You want to come?”

    I am not exactly a follower of Rebecca St. James, but I thought this might somehow turn into a date-ish experience, and since I wanted to meet the guy, I accepted. We arranged that I’d drive up to his town where he’d take me out to coffee, and then he’d drive us the hour and a half or so to this concert.

    I arrived at our meeting place early. It was a nice day. I sat outside. I had spent a lot of time on my hair, and it wasn’t doing exactly what I wanted (it never does) but it was passable. He showed up. I recognised him right away and stood. He took one look at me and his face dropped as if I were the nerd girl in elementary school who the boys got stuck square dancing with in PE and really didn’t want to. Which I was, but this wasn’t elementary school. Well–the elementary school of dating, maybe, I guess.

    I certainly won’t claim *I* was the dating pro in this scenario, but when we got into the coffee shop and got in line and ordered, he suddenly felt in his pockets and said, “Oh shoot, I left my wallet in my car. It’s a few blocks away. Do you mind paying? I’ll pay you back.”

    I’ve done that enough times in my life (not on dates) that, like some of the women above (we’re a hopeful lot overall, wouldn’t you say?), I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He didn’t pay me back. But he was paying for the concert, and he was driving, so I didn’t begrudge him too much.

    On the drive to the concert, he tried to put his hand on my knee. I didn’t remove it or say anything, but I think I did flinch. Maybe if I had been a dater in high school and college, I would have responded differently, but . . . I hadn’t, and I was awkward. Still, probably not as awkward as he was when he said, nonchalantly, “You know, I’m feeling pretty jetlagged. Do you mind if I pull over and take a catnap for 15 minutes?”

    I couldn’t drive for him, since I can’t drive a standard, and I wasn’t going to tell him “No,” because I didn’t exactly want him to swerve off into a ditch, so I said, “That’s fine.” I said it the second time he did this, and the two times he did the same thing on the drive back. At the concert we were the only two people there over 16 without kids in tow. When Rebecca St. James mentioned from the stage that she was dating someone, my date let out an audible (to me, and probably to at least the people a few seats around us) moan of disappointment. When the concert was over, at 9, I told him it didn’t need to be fancy, but I REALLY needed to eat something or I’d probably pass out or be sick or both on the ride home (probably didn’t need all that detail, but he didn’t seem to think food was that necessary), he took me to a truck stop McDonald’s.

    After about two hours back to my car (allowing time for more catnaps), he let me out and drove away, deftly evading my comments about the potential of meeting again. Or maybe just emailing again. Then I had to drive an hour back to my house from there. I wrote him a thank-you email, which I considered fairly nice of me, given the catnaps and the starvation rations, but I never heard back.

  8. Also, have you ever played Beyond Balderdash? One of the categories is movie titles/plots. I might use this one the next time I play if the name of the movie is something akin to Mystery Date. I think I would win the game 😉

  9. CupidsElves says:

    Wow, that DOES take the prize!

    I’ve been fortunate to have had mostly good dates, even online dating (!!!), but one didn’t work out so well. I didn’t prescreen the way I usually do, and basically agreed to meet the guy because he lived nearby, and I was bored. We met at a little pub down the street that had live music, and it was just too noisy to talk much. When we did, he kept mentioning how long I’d been widowed and would suggestively wiggle his eyebrows while saying how “desperate” I must be. Ewwwww!!!

    He kept visiting the men’s room, like every 10 minutes, and became increasingly nervous. Later, a friend suggested that maybe he was doing drugs. I assumed he was texting another woman. After a while, conversation died completely.

    I was trying to figure out how to leave politely, when a drunk woman came staggering in. He perked up immediately. He left me sitting where I was and went over to her. I got up, preparing to bolt. Before I could, another guy interfered with my date’s hitting-on-drunk-woman tactics, and my date returned to me in a huff. “Let’s go!” and hustling me out, as if I were supposed to be indignant on his behalf. I just couldn’t believe he would be so socially inept as to think it was okay for him to hit on another woman right in front of me. Not to mention any other inappropriate behavior. 🙂

    After that, I said, “I REALLY have to go!” and just took off, praying he wouldn’t follow me. I didn’t look back, but I have a feeling he might have gone to another bar, hoping for better luck.

    About two weeks later, he sent me a message online, acting as if nothing had happened, and did I want to get together? BLOCK!!

  10. Sweet Fancy Moses I can’t top your story! I won’t even try…when I finished your story I kinda reacted like Jack Black in that movie, “The Holiday” when Kate Winslet’s character is telling him her life story…it’s gotta be pretty bad when I slip an F Bomb :o)

  11. You people make me happy that I didn’t date. I’m not sure I can say anything more effective than that.

  12. Evan says:

    Hey that was pretty bad. My wife’s response: “that’s what you get for wearing a wedding dress to prom.”

  13. asoulwalker says:

    If I had a worse date I wouldn’t talk about it on the internet… not even anonymously… so you would still get to win. Cheers.

  14. LeBellaRachel says:

    Yes, Sharideth, yours definitely takes the cake but I’m glad something good came of it (Craig) and that you have a humorous story to share for all eternity! I’ve had quite the dating experience myself… Once, I was broken up with in college because I had pink glittery sandals! But here’s my worst dating experience so far:

    Earlier this year, I had reconnected with an old friend, felt a spark so we decided to go out on a date. It was awesome so we went on 3 more. On the fourth date he had made a slight mention about another girl but I decided to ignore it and talk to my friends about it. Well, come to find out that he was dating another girl at the same time as me. And, to be fair, that is fine for some people but for me, I like to date one person at a time. If it doesn’t work, I’ll date someone new. A bit o’ history – we first met 10 years ago, (he’s 6 years older then me) friends for 4 years, lost touch and then reconnected this year. Needless to say, it felt like hardly any time at all had passed between us. So when I found out about said girl, I asked him about it and he explained that we’re “just dating” and this is how he dates. I wasn’t quite sure how I had felt about this yet so I had agreed to dinner for the following week figuring I could cancel if I wanted. Then, I found out about a 3rd girl. So I called him and canceled. He got mad, so we argued about it for an hour on the phone.

    That same day I was photographing a golf outing with my friends and this guy kept asking me for my number. He knew some of my friends and he had a good reputation so I finally agreed to give him my phone number. (I have never in my life given my number to a guy that I did not already know to call and ask me on a date) So, guy #1 – whom I really adored – was being mean so we were fighting. Guy #2 – seems very nice and has my number.

    Well Guy #2 called & we set up a dinner date at a local brewery for the following week. We meet and get seated all the while thinking in my head that I should really be here with guy #1 and I don’t want to do this. I order wine, he orders beer, and the waitress walks away, comes back with our drinks and all of a sudden, I feel someone’s eyes boring into the side of my face. Yes, in the booth directly across from me is guy #1. With his twin brother and his mother. ALL of whom I know. It was something straight out of a freaking movie. So we are staring at each other, he’s looking at guy #2 (who is completely oblivious) and his mother is looking at everyone then turns to him (guy#1) and says “WHAT did you do?” then his brother leans back and sticks his arm in the air and says hello to me which causes Guy #1 to jump out of the booth and into the aisle between us which sparks me to jump up too. So now it’s us standing in the center awkwardly staring at each other. So I ask him to hug me and he says “that’s not appropriate” and I say “dating 3 girls at one time is what’s inappropriate.” So he hugs me, I say hi to his mom and sit back down where I tell Guy #2 “I knew them from HS” Well this made Guy #1 upset so he starts texting me asking me if I’m on a date not once but 5 times. So I texted my best friend to tell her what was happening so she and another friend decide to roll into the restaurant to rescue me if needed (neither guy even noticed the girls were there) Finally Guy #1 leaves and I start to relax thinking now, I could actually pay attention to my date and this could be some fun.
    WRONG. He ordered 6 beers that night (isn’t there some kind of rule about that) and talked only about golf and beer. He does not like music (Which makes up at least 10 hours out of my 14 hour days) and his favorite movie is ET. While it is a classic, I’m sorry but no. He doesn’t like movies in general, he doesn’t like to read, and after finding out that I majored in Religion he says “I don’t know how I feel about all that Jesus stuff. I mean you spend your whole life getting judged by your classmates, your coaches, teachers, bosses etc. you expect me to believe and be OK with the idea that when I die I’m going to be judged for my life?” and I was like uh…… then after 4 grueling hours of me nodding and smiling because I know nothing about golf and didn’t want to argue about Religion, it had come to an end with him saying “I had a really great time and you’re so easy to talk to. I’d really like to do this again sometime” WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THAT? So I nodded and smiled. And a week later called him and told him I was not interested. Now, had this not been proceeded by Guy #1 being there, this could just be chalked up to, I tried, you’re not what I’m looking for, life goes on. But I was lucky to get the Hollywood date that night. I really think this whole thing could have been in an Episode of My So Called Life.

    Recap – I went on a date with a guy because the guy I was dating, and really liked, was dating multiple girls and I was mad at him. Guy I really like happened to be at the same restaurant in the booth directly across from me with his family while I was on my date. And the date sucked. The end.

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