you don’t mean that

girls are dumb.

hold the hate mail.  i am a girl, remember?  i can say that.

we girls says some really dumb things that we know we don’t mean.


girl in a bar talking to her two girlfriends:  “i don’t ever want to get married, i just want to be with a guy who would be willing to be married.”


“i am desperate to be married.”

that actually happened.

another one?

“i hate flowers.”

no you don’t.

we all secretly love flowers.  even me.  for a long time i had Craig and myself convinced i actually hated getting flowers.  i’m a big fat liar.

why do we this?  because we want to be edgy and different.  because we want to appear content with life.  because maybe if we say it enough it will become reality.  because we’re nuts.

so this is my open and heartfelt appeal to women everywhere.

knock it off.

just stop it.

you’re we’re not fooling anybody.  when you tell your friends that you don’t ever want to be married, they know you don’t mean it.  but because they’re also telling you some ridiculous thing they don’t really mean either, they are going to nod and smile like Stepford Wives and expect you to do the same.

so embrace the flowers.  admit you might actually like those open heart necklaces that look like butt cheeks.  say you want to be married.  [insert whatever your thing is here.]

the next time your girlfriend says, “i don’t like him like that, we’re just friends.”  punch her in the neck.

okay girls, paint you faces blue, scream I AM BRAVEHEART! and fess up.  have you ever done this?  what was your thing you lied about?

guys, has a girl ever said something to you that you knew she was lying about?


58 comments on “you don’t mean that

  1. Lauren Jean says:

    I think the one I hear a lot of girls say is that “There’s no Good Guys out there.” I call bull. What they really mean is there’s no Good Guys asking them out. But we don’t want to admit that, because it would imply that there is something in us that Good Guys are repelled by, and since that can’t be the case, there just must not be any Good Guys out there.

    • Tyler Smith says:

      On the other side, if a guy says this he really means “there’s no girls I want to date out there.” There are probably a good handful of good datable girls out there, but they just don’t line up with whatever his criteria is.

    • i’m going to be writing about this soon.

      i sent out a tweet a while back that said, “women who believe “all men are the same” only pick men who are the same.”

      i think that probably needs its own blog.

    • Jonathan says:

      Good one. I have heard this too from girls… but I have a slightly different interpretation… “I’m not into the good guys who are there and interested in me.” I have been in that (or a very similar) position before, where a girl I like is complaining, and I am like “helloooooo? I’m right here.” lol

    • Just a thought:

      If the good guys aren’t asking you out, maybe it’s time to start asking them out? (And don’t stop at the first rejection, cos it takes a lot of rejections to meet a person who’ll mean their “yes”, whether you’re a man or a woman)

      That kind of seems to be what Jonathan was saying, but I don’t want to put words into his mouth, and he may have meant something else entirely.

      • Tyler Smith says:

        I would say that these good guys aren’t worth your time if they can’t even muster the courage to ask you out. And perhaps they’re not doing any asking, because they’re just not interested.

        • Sometimes it’s not about courage. I hatehatehate that assumption with a passion that you wouldn’t believe and I wish people would just stop doing it. He just might have got the wrong message that you’re not interested, and is respecting that. He might be someone who takes a longer time to get around to the idea that he’s interested, but with a nudge to say “look, I’m waiting”, he’ll get there more quickly. He might be introverted (not the same as being shy) and not inclined to make first moves for that reason. Besides, what is the big deal whether he’s shy or not? “Courage” at asking someone out is really a minuscule thing compared to courage in the rest of his life, and if you think he’s a good quality person, I’m guessing he’s already shown that, no?

          Yes, perhaps they’re just not interested, but you know how men traditionally find out that a woman is “just not interested”? They have to ask her. What is the problem with women doing the same thing? Like I said, you have to expect a lot of rejections when you do the asking, but it still ups your chances of meeting the right person, compared to if you just wait and hope that the right person will get the notion to ask you.

          • Tyler Smith says:

            There’s a different between a nudge that says “look I’m waiting” and flat out asking a man out on a date. I’m fine with nudges. Heck, I appreciate them. We guys can be pretty clueless sometimes, and I agree with the sentiment that for some of us (myself included) we can have a difficult time discerning if a woman is interested or not.

            As for a woman asking out a man, I guess we just differ on that. Perhaps it’s pride or maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but I don’t want a woman to ask me out to dinner. If I haven’t the gall to ask her out well than I shouldn’t be taking her out. That’s my opinion.

            • Yeah, I guess we just differ on that. But the fact that we differ means that you can’t make it a universal rule “a woman should never ask the man”, because there are totally some men who welcome it. And like I keep saying, to get the pay-off, women will have to make the first move lots of times, just like most men have to make the first move lots of times before they get anything other than a rejection.

        • Erin Dunn says:

          While I am a woman who doesn’t really have a problem with the contemporary idea of asking a man out… you are a smart man, Tyler Smith.

      • Chris says:

        SnowdropExplodes has a good point.

        But I’d add that there’s probably a reason why the guy isn’t doing the asking. Some of those reasons might be because he has big problems. And some reasons you might willingly overlook or work through, just to be able to date a quality man. Some reasons will result in rejection. And yet some other reasons could very well be super hot, and he’ll end up being the catch of your life.

        But you won’t know until you ask. I think it takes a certain type of girl, but if you’re that type, I don’t think you should let tradition hold you back. We men are pretty dense sometimes, and could use the help.

      • Jonathan says:

        No, I wasn’t getting at girls asking the guy out… I was getting at (and this works on both sides of the gender fence) is that girls (and guys) fail to see a good quality person who is right in front of them because we are always looking for something better… personally I believe this is because we get hung up on chmistry and physical attraction (which is important)… I struggle with it myself – I’m 36 and never married… If we could turn on physical attraction like a switch once we find a quality person, then there would be a lot less single folks these days… I heard the statistics are now for the first time in human history there are more singles and married (I assume this stat excludes children).

  2. Ok Sharideth, just STOP! And listen to how right you are. Yes we girls do that all the time and it drive me nuts. Before I hot married and there’re were no prospects, I always told anyone who’d listen that I never wanted to get married and boy was I desperate for it. But when you truly believe that something may never happen, you try to find a coping mechanism to deal with dashed dreams. Sad I know but that’s how it was for me. As for the flowers go,I do like them if we can afford them. But if I had to choose between flowers or my husband surprising me by cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms for me then I choose the laser.

  3. Jess says:

    we know desperateness is an unattractive quality, so when we feel desperate, we desperately try to convince ourselves and others that we are the opposite of that. Sillies.

    We KNOW we’re broken, and we know on a larger scale that everyone carries brokenness in some form. If we can have hypothetical conversations about how we all have pain, baggage, or brokenness, why do we have to put up a hyper-defensive wall of okayness?

    And why haven’t we figured out that if we share our struggles (with safe people, mind you! not with everyone), we create a safe place for others to admit vulnerability?

  4. Karin says:

    OK, my thing with the flowers is this: I like flowers fine, but I HATE having to take care of them or throw them out when they get old. So, unless he’s going to actually do that part & not let them sit around in a vase & get ugly, I’d rather not have them. However, it’s easier for him to wrap his head around “I don’t like flowers” than it is for him to actually remember to do the clean-up thing. Does that make sense?

  5. I’ve lied about the flower thing before. I keep trying to tell myself (and others) that they’ll die in a week anyway, so why waste the money.

    But when I get them, it makes my day/month.

    I have never lied about the heart shaped jewellery though. I hate that crap*.

    *I love it.

  6. Jennifer C says:

    My lie: I don’t want to date anyone unless he’s the guy God wants me to marry. You know, to avoid hurt and all that crap. Idiocy.

    I love flowers. I don’t mind taking care of them or throwing them out once they’ve become rancid.

    I do not, however, like that open heart butt jewelry. If someone gave it to me because they genuinely thought I’d like it, I would not– in a million years– let on that I think it looks hilarious. I’d proudly wear it, too!

  7. Brian says:

    I’m glad to hear this. The girl I’m dating and I haven’t talked about flowers, but I’ve already ordered here flowers to be delivered to her on Valentine’s Day.

  8. asoulwalker says:

    My favourite was, “I don’t like foot-rubs.” Yeah that was awesome. When she confessed I gave her a super-hard time about it saying things like, “I’m just confused now,” and “I better not rub your feet in case this is a trick.” The lame jokes, puns, and sarcasm went on for quite a while. I knew to stop when she stopped smiling. Of course I also realized that at that point I should have stopped a while ago. Luckily she liked foot-rubs… and chocolates, and girly booze, and poetry, and dinners, and… well, you get the idea.

  9. Erin Dunn says:

    I am totally guilty of this!
    My thing? “I’m totally fine with the way things are right now. There are no strings; no expectations. He calls when he wants to, doesn’t when he doesn’t, and I like that.” Not entirely true! (although I do appreciate when a guy doesn’t do things just because he thinks it is what he should do). I don’t know if it’s this way for all women, but what drives me to that falsehood is that I want to be “breezy” and cavalier because somewhere along the line I have bought into the idea that men only enjoy or are attracted to women who are breezy and cavalier and don’t require much. I have NO idea if that is even really true for most men, maybe it is, but it is the reason why I lie like that.

    • being independent is perfectly fine. what you have to be careful of is either picking guys who like being flaky because you make room for it or training the guys you date to be flaky because you are too afraid to lose your cavalier edge.

      there is a difference between low maintenance and not requiring any effort at all.

  10. Brrrr… Flowers. When I started dating my girlfriend, I informed her how I’d never buy her flowers. By now it turns out I was lying to her. I will not even remotely get what is up with flowers. They die faster than hamsters, are expensive, and turn her face into a smile that is too big in relation to the effort I put in it. Which makes it so worth it.

    I have noticed a lot of guys doing a similar thing. They’ll not be ‘that interested’ in a girl, because confessing their interest would have me (and themselves) encourage them to undertake action. And we wouldn’t want that, would we?

  11. Ronnie Libra says:

    I always find it interesting when the conversation is obviously not about sex and the girl says, “We’re not having sex.”

    And I’m thinking, “Well at least I know what she’s already thinking about…” 😉

  12. Why of course I have done this! The difference is that I am honest with myself and I fully know that a liar, liar when I say those things.

  13. Will Date For Free Food says:

    My lie: “I don’t like compliments”

    Who in the world would ever believe that!? Who doesn’t like compliments!?

    Truth: I get shy when I’m complimented. And that’s what comes out of my mouth. Even though I’m actually flattered and feel all happy and warm inside.

    Now compliment me, dammit!

    • learning how to say “thank you” is big deal.

      next time you get a compliment, just say “thanks”. even if you have take a deep breath first. in fact, the guys can call me out if i’m wrong, but it can be kind of endearing when a girl says “thanks” then let’s him on the secret that she’s trying to learn to say it more often.

      before you know it, you’ll be looking a guy straight in the eye and responding with “i know, right?!?”

      • I think you’re spot-on, and not wrong at all.

        Actually, I had a girlfriend once where I made it a project to teach her to accept compliments well, and getting her to say “thanks” instead of denying the scurrilous charge that she was looking good today (or whatever) made such a huge difference to the relationship.

        Accepting compliments well is a very good skill to have.

  14. ThatGuyKC says:

    I KNEW IT!!

    Thank you for being honest and call out the pretty little liars.

  15. Bethany says:

    I once met a retired missionary woman who turned down *four* marriage proposals in her lifetime. One or two, I would say the guys probably just weren’t that great, but four?! *Tell* me that woman was secretly desperate to get married. These things are *generally* lies, but there are exceptions to every rule.

  16. Mandie Marie says:

    I love flowers.
    Certain kinds of chocolate is ok.
    Things that look like butts are funny.
    But heart shaped jewelry is not funny. Nor nice. Nix the hearts. No hearts.

  17. Francesca Sage says:

    I’ve said the “I don’t want to get married” thing. And the thing is, that I abhor the idea that you’re not a whole person or living a complete life if you don’t get married and make grandbabies for your parents.

    When I was a little girl, I never dreamed of getting married and raising children.

    That said, every guy that I’ve dated, I wonder if I will marry him.

  18. I haven’t really got a story of “I knew she was lying” (I probably have had such situations, but none spring to mind). What I have got is the opposite:

    With the flowers thing, I once dating a girl who told me she didn’t like flowers. i was sceptical and checked with another girl who was my friend, who told me, “trust me: ALL girls like flowers.” So, when we had our next date – I brought flowers.

    “I HATE flowers! I told you I don’t like flowers, why didn’t you listen?”

    We remained friends, but that was our last date.

  19. Bethany says:

    OK, I thought about it, and here’s what I lie about, “Oh my goodness, this guy I barely know asked me out/tried to friend me/said [compliment] to me! How weird!”

    I’m a tax preparer, and a guy my age came in and let his *dad* do all the talking because it was his first tax return (re: this is his first job ever). Truthfully, I thought he was kind of pathetic, so when I got his *friend request* tonight, my first thought was to write on my friend’s wall about how weird/awkward/whatever this guy was. But then I thought about this post….

    The thing is, he’s a good looking guy. And though it *is* kind of weird to ask the tax lady to be your friend, and I did delete his request without a thought, I *was* flattered that he looked me up. It’s weird, but a little part of me did think, “That’s right, I’m super attractive even when I’m explaining tax credits. Booyah!”

  20. iedarla says:

    BaM~ Well said. I am actually not a HUGE fan of cut flowers and would rather have a living plant. But really if a man goes to the trouble of buying me flowers well… of course I am going to giggle like a school girl and screw his brains out later… :]

  21. Jenn says:

    I love flowers! And I don’t normally lie about the gifting of flowers – though I will about my liking of them if they are a flower I’ve explicitly indicated I do not like – seriously though I’m not picky – monochromatic (white or pink) or tulips.

    As for the heart shaped jewellery my beloved ex (he’s a real gem seriously) got me a hard shaped locket – I didn’t know what to do. It’s sweet but it’s a little big and not my style. Though he did redeem himself with pearl earrings… so sorry to the next girl he dates, I didn’t break him of the heart jewellery thing.

  22. Becki says:

    I have definitely said I don’t like flowers, but I do. Someone buy me some, please?

    I didn’t think I had a problem with heart shaped jewelry until I received a gold “I love you” heart necklace. Turns out – I DO NOT Like heart shaped jewelry. Or gold jewelry. Or gifts from the “piercing pagoda.” (to be fair we were 18… but I’m still not sure that justifies it…)

  23. “admit you might actually like those open heart necklaces that look like butt cheeks.” Nice!

    Ever since the first time I saw those, I thought “why would I want to give my wife something that looks like a butt and boobs?” Nice to know I’m not the only one that sees cheeks there….

  24. John says:

    Sharideth –

    Male first time visitor and commenter (came from my friend Renea’s site and I know Joy Eggerichs as well). I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to find here, but man, I love your writing!

    Your rant here is amazing and I think very true. You’ve hit the nail on the head for everything of yours I’ve read tonight (and I’ve read quite a few posts tonight!)

    Keep up the good work. I’ll be coming back.

  25. […] might have written a little something about this recently, if you’re interested.  and you should be very interested.  so… tell your […]

  26. AuthorChristopherLong says:

    Another brilliant post.

    “punch her in the neck,” — PRICELESS!

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