how to be an alpha male: part 2

last week i posted a video about how to be an alpha male.  you can click here to view it if you haven’t already.  anyhoo, the girl’s point in the video is that a man doesn’t necessarily have to be physically attractive to get a woman interested, he has to create or possess status.  her claim is that status is not about how much money you make or how you look, it’s about the appearance of confidence and the ability to take care of a woman.

there were some very mixed responses in the comments to what she said.

me?  i think she’s right.  to a point.  but i wouldn’t have used the word “status”.  i would have used “value”.  status can be manufactured.  value is intrinsic.  status is what you build.  value is what you are.

are some women attracted to power and wealth (aka status)?  hells yeah.  Anna Nicole?  hello!

minus 80 billion cool points for using “hello!”, sharideth.


but unless you’re completely busted, when you see a relationship like Anna Nicole and ancient what’s-his-face, your stomach goes all greasy like you just ate too many McDonald’s fries.  what man really wants to be only wanted for what he can financially provide for a woman?

don’t get me wrong, being a good provider is way extra super sexy.  but it’s not everything.

here’s my list on how to be an alpha male:

1.  confidence – confidence instills confidence.  it gets a response.  when it comes to confidence, i’m a fake ’til you make it kind of girl.  is that being phony?  not at all.  it’s practice.  who doesn’t want to be able to put a confident foot forward?  it can be learned.  it can be embraced.  it can become part of your DNA.  though i might avoid using a “slow, deep voice” and placing weird pauses in the *one one thousand* conversation.

2.  strength – i’m not talking about a roided-out, no neck, bench more than your own weight kind of strength…unless you want to attract someone from the Jerysey Shore.  i’m talking about a bills get paid, i’d step in front of a bullet for her, end anyone who would try to hurt her and support her physically, financially and emotionally kind of strength.  you have no idea how much providing security for a woman, whether she needs it or not, gives her the happy chills.  it.  is.  dead.  sexy.  got a girl on the line?  go fix something that’s broken at her place without being asked.  you’re welcome.

3.  leadership – contrary to popular belief, most woman don’t want to run the relationship.  we simply want to be heard when we have an opinion on something.  if you give us no reason to doubt your ability to handle things, we’re going to happily hand over the responsibility to you.  i always liked the saying, “men are the head of the household, but women are the neck.”  Scotty from last weeks comments said, “‘I don’t know, what do you want to do?’ should only be said when quoting the Jungle Book. Only time.”  boom.  truth.  as for the whole not asking permission to kiss a girl from the video…damn straight.  you almost always know if she’s receptive, so be the dude and make it happen.

4.  respect – i think “status” could also be replaced with “respect”.  your perceived value goes way up when it’s obvious other people respect you.  easy way to gain respect?  be respectable.  duh.  there are million different things people can be respected for.  it can also vary depending which circles you run in and the value system of each group.  Craig is a good example.  in music circles, he’s the man when it comes to engineering.  with our Christian friends, he’s the go-to theology guy.  at a bar, he’s the one to beat at pool and compare beards with.  but he consciously does something that a lot of men don’t.  he decides what’s important to him and gets good at it.  there is no half way with my boy.  his pursuits might be few, but he actively makes the most of them.  that’s respectable.

video chick is really right about one thing, being an alpha male does not hinge on how much money you make or how good looking you are.  it all hinges on how determined you are to be constantly aware of and building on your own personal value.  women instinctively know how much or how little you think of yourself.  not requiring any approval from women to be cool with who you are will get you noticed.  they LOVE it.



go screw yourself, sharideth?


36 comments on “how to be an alpha male: part 2

  1. I don’t know how funny you talk, but reading this on my screen makes it easier to take it seriously than miss ‘meet your sweet’ youtube. I like your analogy of what I feel she was trying to say/ should have said. I think I added my two cents last time.

  2. Bethany says:

    Everything you said is good. I have nothing to add.

  3. Tyler says:

    i like everything you said and so i just wanted to say that i did and now i have

  4. Will Date For Free Food says:

    I basically want to copy and paste this entire post into my Match profile. But I won’t.

  5. G Fresh says:

    “when it comes to confidence, i’m a fake ’til you make it kind of girl. is that being phony? not at all. it’s practice. who doesn’t want to be able to put a confident foot forward? it can be learned. it can be embraced. it can become part of your DNA.”

    How? How can it be learned? What actual, practical steps can one take to become more confident in oneself? I hear this advice a lot, but without any instruction on how to get there, it doesn’t mean anything and it’s not really very helpful. I want to be more confident and am very much willing to learn, but I’ve never been able to find anyone to actually teach me how to do that.

    Saying “be confident” or “fake it ’til you make it” sounds nice on paper, but it doesn’t actually offer any instruction whatsoever. From my perspective, it’s like telling a lost, starving man to “be full” without telling him where to get food. It just doesn’t do any good.

    Sorry, Sharideth; you know I love and respect you and cherish your counsel, but this bit of; IMHO, non-advice has annoyed me for years, so I’m gonna speak up for myself (and maybe the rest of the betas reading this post, but who may be too afraid to say anything) and ask how this end, this confidence can be achieved.

    • Somewhere along the line of progress I have made (not all-knowing, not a god, and you will never recognize me as a self-made popstar of male dominance), I noticed my jokes switching. They went for pulling myself down to overly cocky. It is indeed self-propelling. One thing I have myself doing that gives me a lot of confidence is walking into any place like I own it. Looking everybody in the eyes and smiling at them is faking it, but can initiate a boost in self-confidence. Faking it to me meant copying guys that knew how to. Some friends of mine define it as arrogant, but I believe that someone good and rooted in christianity (I don’t know you that well, but I never came across evidence that would suggest otherwise) can take the good things out of arrogance and filter out the bad. (don’t love the scene that he comes from, but I did learn a lot from him)

    • I’m with you on this one. “Feign confidence and you’ll become confident” sounds like something Dr. Phil or Oprah would say: it’s vague enough that it can sound like good advice without actually BEING good advice.

    • you are totally right, matt. i’m going to have to think about it. probably get craig’s help…

    • Josh says:

      Being that I’ve been in the timid section of society before, I’ll give a quick shot at some practical stuff you might consider. Actually, I’ll do worse: I’ll ask you questions and not really answer them, hopefully seeming wise but also covering over the possibility that I really don’t have a full response without knowing you.

      How do you see yourself? What do you like about yourself? (My most confident moments seem to coincide with when I’m not seeing myself as a complete moron/jerk or when I’m more/less okay with being that way)

      Somewhat most important: What are you afraid of? (Confidence is a lot about not completely caring what someone’s response is but instead knowing you’re acting out of who you are; rejection, loneliness, ridicule are all, admittedly, scary things to think about and/or go through. You can, however, choose to not show that fear and just “act” like you know what you’re saying/doing, like mimicking some smooth guy for a moment)

      Also, what’s your concept of what “confident” guys do? What holds you back from doing that? (If it’s values or personal “style”, completely respectable. If it’s fear… Acknowledge it, then try facing it head-on. Then maybe have a drink.)

      That’s about as generally practical as I think I can get. If in doubt, you’ve already thought too much… Go Nike. (“Just do it”, trademarked.)

  6. Erin Dunn says:

    I might have been turned on just reading numbers 2 and 3.

  7. Mandie Marie says:

    1. Confidence doesn’t mean you’re outgoing and the center of attention. It means you know who you are, and you’re not ashamed or uncertain about that. You don’t have to necessarily be exceptionally bold or obnoxiously cocky to show that you are confident. That’s probably not at all helpful, Matty.

    2. Or possibly fill up her windshield washer fluid when the little light goes on? That’s hot, too.

    3. YES. Taking charge but not taking over. If you want to take her on a date, then take her on a friggin’ date. Don’t “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” every situation. If you plan a whole date with her in mind, she’s most definitely not going to be like, “Well, I’m upset because I really had my heart set on Arby’s, but instead you made reservations at a nicer place.” No. That’s not going to happen. Mostly because no one actually likes Arby’s. She’ll be pleased you took the time to plan something with her in mind. Except if you take her bowling. That’s just poor planning and you probably don’t know her very well.

    4. Yup. When people have nothing but good and respectful things to say about a guy: totally hot. When he goes out of his way to be respectful to other people: totally hot.

    Sharideth, I’m cheering over here. Great post, as usual.

    • G Fresh says:

      Not really. Sorry. I may not be bold, but it’s not for lack of trying. If I like a girl, no matter how difficult it is for me (Awkward is after all my middle name), I’ll always screw up the courage to tell them and/or to ask them out. It just that nobody ever says yes.

      My only guess at this point as to why that is is that even though I am able to put myself out there enough to ask, I don’t know how to truly ask with confidence.

      This is just how I’ve always been and I don’t know how to change it even though I desperately want to which is why I asked. :/

    • Chris says:

      I like that summary on confidence. I was going to say something similar, but I like how succinct your version is.

      I was going to say: to know what you believe, and live it. At times when I have been serious about this, I notice a change inside. I tend to know where I’m going, and why. And when it’s right, I have the belief in heavenly authority commanding me to do what I know is right. Serving God is a confidence boost.

      And I’m not just talking about dating or relationships. This seems to affect all areas of life.

      But when I forget what I believe, or don’t live it, then I’m wishy washy, slow, lazy, shallow, and at best, have little of substance to offer. And at worst, I act like a wet noodle in the face of danger or opportunity.

      • G Fresh says:

        “How do you see yourself? What do you like about yourself? (My most confident moments seem to coincide with when I’m not seeing myself as a complete moron/jerk or when I’m more/less okay with being that way)”

        I’m going to answer you somewhat obliquely because that’s really between me and my currently unknown, but hopefully soon to be found therapist (if I can find one I can afford 🙂 ). I’ll admit that the things that I like about myself and that I’m confident in are few and far between, but I’m REALLY confident in those areas. The problem is that that confidence is extremely compartmentalized and I can’t figure out how to move it into more aspects; specifically social aspects of my personality.

        For instance; I’m a good singer. A really good singer as a matter of fact (Sharideth can back me up on that). I’m never more comfortable in my own skin than when I’m playing my guitar and leading worship at my church on a Sunday or when I’m out singing karaoke with my friends. That’s when I really feel like I know who I am. The problem is that that confidence only really lasts as long as I’m playing my guitar or holding that mic. As soon as I put them down, I instantly revert to overly shy, overly aware of myself, overly awkward, overthinking, overanalyzing everything guy. I should get a cape and some tights. I could be the lamest superhero ever.

        Most of my friends think karaoke is stupid and don’t want to go, which sucks, but I can see their point; there’s definitely a certain amount of ridiculousness that goes along with it, but I think the reason I really enjoy doing it is because for those 3 or 4 minutes that I’m up on stage, I’m not afraid of anything and I feel like I could do anything I wanted to. I love those minutes. I wish I could feel that on a regular basis in my real life, but I haven’t yet figured out how.

        “Somewhat most important: What are you afraid of? (Confidence is a lot about not completely caring what someone’s response is but instead knowing you’re acting out of who you are; rejection, loneliness, ridicule are all, admittedly, scary things to think about and/or go through. You can, however, choose to not show that fear and just “act” like you know what you’re saying/doing, like mimicking some smooth guy for a moment)”

        This is kind of two sides of the same coin; at least as far as relationships go: I’m afraid of ending up alone, but more than that, I’m afraid of settling for the wrong, whomever will have me person BECAUSE of my fear of being alone. I’ve observed this happen to a couple people that I’m close too and having seen it up close, I much prefer the first option to the second; although neither prospect makes me want to high five anybody.

        As far as rejection goes, I don’t know that I’m afraid of it so much as I’m resigned to it? After 18 years of pretty much nothing but, you kind of slip into that mindset of, “Well she seems cool and we get along well and she’s cute…which, based on past experiences probably means she thinks of me like a brother, but I need to at least ask her and make sure so I can stop thinking of her like that and get to the just being friends part.”, which I’m pretty sure women can pick up on and it maybe becomes somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

        After a while it begins to feel kind of like when you’re looking for a job and you find one that you think you would be perfect for and vice versa and you feel like you meet most or all of the qualifications and then you get to the “Experience Required” part of the job description and you think, “Well, dang. How am I supposed to get experience if no one will hire me?”. Then you cross that one off and look for something else even though you know (or at least begin to believe) that most of them will say the same thing.

        “Also, what’s your concept of what “confident” guys do? What holds you back from doing that? (If it’s values or personal “style”, completely respectable. If it’s fear… Acknowledge it, then try facing it head-on. Then maybe have a drink.)”

        To me, confident guys/people just are. They don’t seem to have to think very hard about what they’re going to say next or how they’re going to come across regardless if it’s someone they know or if it’s a complete stranger. They’re truly comfortable in every situation and they don’t seem like they have to work at being so. They seem to live outside of themselves whereas I feel like I’m trapped in my head most of the time trying to get my brain to shut up for awhile, trying to think of something, anything interesting to say. What usually comes out is, “Some weather we’ve been having lately, eh?”. Or I just completely stumble and/or mumble over my words, become embarrassed by my lack of verbal eloquence and smile and nod the rest of the night.

        The thing about confidence is that it’s always appeared to me like something you either have or you don’t. Most of the confident people I know have either always been that way or they’re betas who went the asshole route mistakenly thinking that that’s what confidence actually boiled down to. That’s why I want to know if/how you can learn to truly have confidence throughout all aspects of your personality (not just one or two) and become more of an alpha without becoming a total dillhole. I’d rather be a bachelor for life than go that route.

        The ironic thing is, the other 3 things on Sharideth’s list I actually do really well, but only a couple of women have gotten to see/experience that because my massive issues with the first thing tends to discourage most women from wanting to see if there’s anything more.

        • G Fresh says:

          Dangit! That was supposed to be reply on Josh’s comment! Stupid WordPress. 😦

        • I applaud the book you just wrote. I read it all and I’m still uncertain if I want to pile on to this. So far, just respect.

        • Josh says:

          Totally respect that you’ve made the attempt; sorry it hasn’t quite worked out and kinda made you resigned to just being friends (though that can be great as well but I don’t think it’s what you’re looking for). I can definitely say that I wasn’t so confident at one point and I now (seemingly) am. This may also have something to do with a larger-than-usual lack of care as to what people think about me. Nonetheless, I don’t think I was predestined to be confident as I still have my introverted moments in the corner of the room… But the effort I put into “acting” confident has certainly paid off.

          The only (and last) thing I can then put out there is try dancing. By far, swing dancing (I also now do blues) gave me the most solid confidence and I was not someone with rhythm. Just sayin, if you’re at the end of your rope a beginner swing/salsa/etc. lesson series can’t hurt (beyond the pain it could actually inflict… can get a bit wild so also recommend stretching).

          You sound like a genuinely honest and fine fellow, so it sucks that the women around you can’t see that. Hope they realize it before too late.

  8. randomlychad says:

    What the heck do I know? Been married like 21 years now, but not because I’m doing it right, but rather because she’s forgiving.

    I do have one point: ladies if you ask your “alpha male” to do something, give him the opportunity to follow-through.

    That’s all.

  9. If this were facebook, I’d “like” you now. 🙂 Good blog, great post.

  10. Confidence: Definitely “fake it till you make it”, although that’s harder than it sounds. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been jittery as anything inside but afterwards I’ve been told, “Wow, how did you manage to be so confident?” I didn’t, I just sounded it. I think confidence is one of those things where if you’re in your element it’s natural, and the farther you are from that element, the harder it gets.

    Strength: I don’t know about anyone else, but, “end anyone who would try to hurt her” – I find that quite scary (not to mention, in real life as opposed to in the movies, that gets you a prison sentence).

    Also – I guess I’m not that much into “providing security”, but definitely my thing is “being secure”: like the hymn, “Will Your Anchor Hold?” I aim to be a rock around which the billows can roll while my partner is grounded firm and deep. (And of course, Jesus is the rock in whom I am grounded firm and deep, like the hymn says). I see it as being secure, and letting her find security in me, rather than “providing security”. I don’t know if that distinction makes sense to anyone else, but it’s clear in my head anyway.

    Leadership: I don’t see what’s wrong with “what do you want to do?” although I think “I don’t know” in front of it does sound bad. I’d rather say, “What are your ideas?” than “What do you want to do”, because then leadership is in taking all views on board and then making a definitive decision. Of course, because I’m a “natural” Dom in a BDSM sense, leading is what I’m drawn to in a relationship, although I like that to be explicitly negotiated (I don’t take what isn’t offered). As for kissing – I used to say, “always ask”, but in practice, I can’t think of a time when I did – but I did make it obvious what was about to happen so that she could say “no” if she didn’t like the idea. That’s kind of like “fake it till you make it” with the confidence thing. Move confidently but slowly for the kiss, and you tend to win.

    Respect: Starts with yourself. Carry yourself like you respect yourself, like you’re deserving of respect, and other things will come into place; carry yourself like you need someone else to hold your hand or to look after you and no one else will want to know.

    • Erin Dunn says:

      snowdrop, you’re single, aren’t you?

      • Erin Dunn says:

        ok, I’m sorry. That might have been more mean than I intended it to be.

        All I’m saying is, Sharideth is absolutely right. My closest girlfriends (some married for years, some newly married, some perpetually single) and I have been saying these very things for YEARS.

        And, in every bit of kindness – if I were a potential for you, you would have absolutely lost me the second you said “I’m not that much into providing security”. Reality is, women are looking for security and if you’re not “that much into” it, then you might have a problem on your hands. If you didn’t loose me in that second, then you most definitely would have the second right after when you said “I don’t see what’s wrong with ‘what do you want to do’.” No, maybe there’s nothing wrong with that. But in my humble, very female opinion, if you can figure out how to not have to ask that question – your hot factor will skyrocket.
        You might also consider rewording your Gravatar tagline. You may not be looking to meet anyone via the internet, but in the off chance that you are – “Kinky” is not exactly the first word a woman wants to see as how you describe yourself.

        • Erin –

          “if I were a potential for you” – yes, but you’re not, are you? Everything you’ve just said simply makes you sound like a woman I wouldn’t want to date, so your advice means very little to me. I think you have ignored a lot of the explanations I’ve given, or maybe not understood them the way I meant them (also, it’s possible that I haven’t understood “providing security” in the way you and Sharideth mean it). Put it this way: the type of woman I want to date will either ask me to fix that broken thing at her place, or will get angry at me for doing it for her when she had plans to do it herself next weekend. If she didn’t get angry at me for doing it without her asking, then I would start to lose interest in her. (I would also lose interest in her if she got angry or dumped me for not doing it when she hadn’t asked me.) But being secure – so that, in the example above, she knows that when she genuinely needs me to help her fix something, I’ll be there, guaranteed 100% – that’s my deal. And just so we’re clear – that deal means I have moved heaven and earth and attempted (successfully) things that I normally wouldn’t dream of trying, to help and stand by previous partners in their hour of need, so it’s not a little thing.

          If that’s not enough for a woman, then frankly, I don’t even want to know her.

  11. Chris says:

    I think this video / poem belongs in this series too. How to talk to a lady is only one part of being an alpha male.

  12. Stef says:

    Oh my gosh. Thank you. Yes. To all of this. But in the context of the last year, especially the “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” and the asking permission for a kiss deal.

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