how to get over her

so your devastation is complete.  there’s a girl you just can’t get past and it’s ruining any chance at future happiness.  other girls don’t compare and you don’t think you’ll ever really love again.

bull and shit.  i was going to clean up my language but you people told me not to, so shit it is.

okay, you’re honestly hurting and as my daughter said when she was 10 and got her heart broke for the first time, “i’m a shell of my former self!”  i get it.  i do.  i’ve been there.  seriously.  lost my mind over a break up and probably should have been institutionalized for all the damage i did to those poor schmucks who tried to date me afterward.

it blows.  it’s painful.  it makes you want to yack into the nearest garbage hole at McDonald’s where you’ve been feeding your feelings.  i. get. it.

but honey, life ain’t over.  you’re relationship died.  you didn’t.

if Celine Dion’s heart can go on and on, so can yours.

okay, bad analogy, but i bet you grinned.  see?  progress already.

here’s some common thoughts/feelings you’re probably having and my response to them.  hold on to your butts.

1.  she was everything you wanted. – no she wasn’t.  not even close.  otherwise she’d still be with you.  if she was all that, she would have seen your worth and stuck around.  her abandonment of you is not a comment on your character, but it sure is a comment on hers.

2.  you must have done something wrong. – nope.  stop agonizing over this.  you’ll run yourself off the crazy cliff trying to pick this one apart.  sometimes people just leave.  and when they do that, 94.6% (probably a real number) of the time, it’s their problem, not yours.  unless of course you did engage in some douchebaggery.  if that’s the case, you’re not wondering what you did, you know.  chalk it up to a teachable moment and do better the next time.

3.  you don’t know if you’ll ever be that happy again. – well, not with that attitude, buck-o.  you own your happiness, not her.  you’re stuck in woe-is-me mode because you haven’t allowed yourself to feel the one thing that will burn off the pain.  anger.  be angry at her.  she deserves it.  your fear of not being with her blocks you from embracing the one thing that will pull you out of the Lovesucks tar pits.  righteous fury.  wallowing in self-pity will stick around as long you let it.  but anger is a fast burn and will leave a lot of what you’re feeling right now in ashes.  get to the other side of anger and you’ll be able to see clearly again.  reason will return and the light at the end of the tunnel won’t look so much like a train.

4.  there’s nobody like her. – oh you mean there’s no other girls who will up and leave you for no apparent reason?  sure there are.  millions of them.  you need to start looking for the ones who won’t do that.  think hard.  i bet you come up a red flag or two you haven’t allowed yourself to admit to seeing.  let that in and that’s where you’ll find your anger.  awesome, awesome anger.

5.  things were perfect. – no they weren’t.  i’m going to drop some truth on your head that won’t be pleasant.  there is no perfect; even for couples who die of old age still married to the one they truly loved their whole life, yet still occasionally wanted to knock unconscious with a hammer.  your “perfect” never existed.  if it did, your relationship wouldn’t be over and you’d be in process of getting wrinkled and watching Matlock.

6.  you can’t move on. – i’ll see your “can’t” and raise you a “won’t”.  your “can’t” allows you to stay right where you are due to no fault of your own.  you freaking coward.  change that word to “won’t” and suddenly you have a decision to make.  that word gives you options and a future.  it also puts the responsibility for those things right up in yo’ face!  “can’t” makes you powerless.  “won’t” makes you angry at yourself for having wasted so much time.  there’s that anger again.  see what i did there?

the only one holding you back from a new relationship is you.  time to let it go and relocate your manhood.  so to speak…

is anyone going through this right now?

who’s been through it?  how did you manage to snap out of it?

for more break up genius wisdom stuff, click anywhere on this sentence.

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21 comments on “how to get over her

  1. Celine Dion = good analogy.

    I’m not going through it now, but have been through it. Ice cream is not the cure to getting over a break-up and neither is listening to anything by The Script. Not that I’m speaking from past experiences, but I kinda am.

    • Jeremy says:

      Oddly enough, I found that listening to The Script helped me voice some of my feelings. Maybe I’m just not good with “the words”, but it did actually help me process some of my residual feelings.

  2. G Fresh says:

    Cigarettes. Lots and lots of cigarettes. And booze. Also some songwriting.

  3. jmonsewicz says:

    Just now in the final process of getting over someone. It sucked. And still does from time to time, but the amount of suckage and the frequency of suckage has been on a rapid decline the last few weeks.
    What helped me is listening to a lot of music. One of biggest passions and it tends to express my thoughts better than I can. Also, there is the simple fact that twice in the last month I was brutally honest with her and didn’t hold back. She got upset and told me I was being unfair. Eh. Honesty hurts.

  4. susan says:

    applies to women too….and along with cigarettes, booze and songwriting, a jail break probably won’t help either (see urban dictionary….).
    time my friend, time, and nothing else. a cliche, and a pain in the A** but there it is.

  5. asoulwalker says:

    Douchebagery… my life has a word– why is that so comforting? I love the cigarettes, boos, and song-writing. Now I tend to only do the last one if I’m actually depressed about a girl but let’s face it– that’s what the world needs (more songs written about douchebaggery). I’m here for you world. I call it love.

    On a serious note though I would say that doing things has helped me a lot while “getting over” a break-up. Time never healed anything. It can help people to think about it in that way sometimes because some things that do help with healing take time– they can take a lot of time (and there may be no short-cuts). But I can pretty well guarantee that if you don’t do anything for three years the pain you feel now will wait for you. Pain is patient. It may take time to heal, but time is not what does the healing.

    As to what to do, well… that’s up to you. Context matters. But I have always found that doing things has helped me most. Sometimes it’s talking. Sometimes it’s praying. Sometimes it’s fasting. Sometimes it’s drinking myself into a stupor that… well, I don’t remember actually, but you get the idea. I would caution that whatever a person does… well, perhaps they might want to make sure they don’t create problems bigger than the ones they are trying to solve.

  6. Bethany says:

    Oh, can we please stop with number one? Of course it feels great to say, “Oh, he/she was just a loser who didn’t know a good thing when he/she had it.” But lots of people just don’t mesh well. Is it a greater act of character to keep dating someone you can’t see yourself with in the long run, or to let them go so you can both move on with your lives?

    Maybe it’s not a commentary on anyone’s character. Maybe you’re both lovely people who will find the right, compatible people and love Jesus happily ever after. If everyone who broke up with someone else was evil, there would be hardly anyone left to date!

    • that is an excellent point. well played.

    • G Fresh says:

      “Is it a greater act of character to keep dating someone you can’t see yourself with in the long run, or to let them go so you can both move on with your lives?”

      Boom. Well said. That’s why I broke up with the last girl I dated a few years back. I’m sure she thought I was a huge jerk because we weren’t fighting or anything like that leading up to the break-up, but I could tell it wasn’t going anywhere and had come to the point of either A. Settling for someone who would’ve had me, but with whom I wouldn’t have been very happy with in the long run (and believe me, that was a very real temptation as in my 18 years of dating eligibility I’ve only managed to get two women to even give me a chance at a relationship) or B. Being the “bad guy” and ending it, giving us both a chance for a hopefully much greater future happiness in our romantic lives. So I went with option B and haven’t regretted it for a minute even though at the time it sucked having to hurt her like that.

  7. wow, everything you listed is something I experienced when my ex-wife left me for another guy. Obviously I was in a pretty bad place in the beginning…but then I got pathetic…I was using the, “Doom and gloom” phrases like crazy…”I don’t ever want to be in another relationship!” “I don’t think I could ever love again!” “She was perfect for me, no one could be better!”

    Yeah, I cringe when I think of those things now…without realizing it I was defining my quality of life…I was miserable because I refused to TRY and get over her by acknowledging the truths in our failed marriage…but thankfully I have some awesome friends and family that laid some truth down that snapped me out of my misery.

  8. I have not been in a relationship before but I’ve had my share of crushes here and there and having to move past those when you find out the “feelings” aren’t reciprocated.

    One of them led to this song: I Miss You, which a lot of people say they can relate to. Writing that song helped the process of healing for me (so, agreeing with songwriting as stated above). http://www.reverbnation.com/play_now/song_4209440

  9. I do 1, 2 and 4. 3, 5 and 6 aren’t my style at all; I spend maybe a day to a week thinking about what was, eating luxury chocolate ice cream, wallowing in miserable songs and playing long, mournful minor-key improvisations on my guitar – and then move right back on to the quest to find the future Mrs Snowdrop.

    On #4, I would like to point out that every person, and every relationship, is unique, so I think it’s true there will “never be another like her”. I’d kind of be disappointed if two girlfriends were alike, really. But we can be made happy by different people, the same level of happiness but different stimuli. So people being not “another like her” is no reason not to love someone else.

  10. Hell, I’m going through this right now. I think I mostly rant… at my blog. And drink a little. And sleep a lot. And, well, mostly rant. 😀

    On a serious note, though, the old adage of “keeping oneself busy” always helps. Immersing yourself in stuff, not allowing the mind to wander, be it work, cleaning the place, reading, attending plays helps big time.

  11. deja says:

    time time time, how much, can you tell?

  12. ashley says:

    wow. thank you for this – it was very profound and a needed slap in the face. seriously – thank you!

  13. […] I am glad it happened, but I am still struggling with the bruise of it all. I’ve enjoyed the “How To Get Over Her” post a lot. I must keep rereading […]

  14. pat says:

    Ok 1st of all let me just say that there is no special ex’s.. ok they are all ex’s cause they were not special enough for you, empower yourself with thoughts of happier times ahead, with mr or mr’s right for the moment!!!, if the moment lasts a lifetime, brilliant.. but don’t dwell on the past, ya I’m gutted at moment as my girlfriend whom I was blown away with when I first met her has left on another ‘ break crap ‘ thingy again, but she keeps making excuses to see each other, will you ‘help me with car’ or Mum needs advise can you call etc… aaaarggh!!!!, suckered me in again, but do you know what, write it all down, ok you might think , oh but she’s gorgeous, I’ll never meet anyone like her again ( ya hopefully!!! ) .. you don’t wanna be with anyone who don’t wanna be with you, get mad get sad but get something that isn’t your ex, get fit not fat, get a new squeeze, get shit faced, get some dignity , get looking at singles on dating sites, just to see the quality of single people out there, your ex is an ex for a reason… because you are ment to either be alone or with someone else!!!, you need to find real love look in the mirror and love yourself, cause guess what???!!!…. you are never gonna leave yourself, work out , start now .. walk or get down and give me 20 but get motivated, It’s empowering and invigourating, if you can’t sleep read a book, don’t think about her, take her off that pedestal, she’s just a girl, list the qualities you didn’t like, and be honest I know there are loads, it’s easy now you’re a babbling fool to forget the stuff that really annoyed you, but it’s there!!! write it down and use it as your bookmarker, ok so find your back bone again and pull yourself together, your feelings now are as irrational as being afraid of the dark after watching a horror movie, you must truely accept that she’s gone, and that you will be ok…………………
    Remember….. IF SHE WAS DUMB ENOUGH TO LEAVE, BE SMART ENOUGH TO LET HER GO!!!!!!

    by the way I’m not a big fan of windmills 🙂

  15. T. Williams says:

    Thanks for the posts , i thought i was alone in this , am moving home to get rid of all her belongings , coz i feel more me after this experiance

  16. Greg says:

    Amen
    Brother
    Great advice

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