stop talking to me

it’s been well established here that i will have an idea about what i’m going to write, then chuck it entirely when something else pops into my head or something happens that distracts me and i write about that instead.

i’m sure there’s some sort of diagnoses out there for whatever it is i am.

today, something happened.

correction…is happening.

every monday i plant myself at Starbucks (same one every week) and write whatever it is i’m going to write for you guys.  i get coffee and some times something that resembles breakfast and begin my genius advice and idiotic tweeting.

it’s my thing.

now, i’m pretty personable, but when i’m ready to dig into the interwebs first thing in the morning, i prefer only my own company.  which is why i tried sitting in a chair away from this guy who gave me that “how you doin’?” head bob when i walked in.

problem 1:  i needed a plug-in because my comp was already dying.

problem 2:  the only table available with an outlet was right next to him.


once i got my coffee and breakfast-like thing, i moved my stuff over to the table.  i sat in the seat closest to him, but only because it would almost put my back to him and i figured he’d leave me alone.  my hopes were even higher considering he was sitting with another girl.

my hopes were dashed.

hang on…he just left.  Tim Tebow must have been somewhere praying for me.

anyway, not only was being able to see less than half my face encouraging to him, he could and was trying to read what i was writing over my shoulder.

his opener wasn’t bad, “she’s kicking my ass at this game.”  they were handing an iPad back forth to each other.

he kept trying to engage me in conversation.  i kept not looking at him and giving single syllable responses.  the girl he was with was clearly feeling the awkwards and tried to join the conversation.  bless her heart.  this didn’t make it better.

finally i got tired of blocking his view to my comp, so i moved me and my Macbook to the other side of the table.  the girl he was with said in a whisper i could still hear, “you pissed her off.”  so he looked at me, repeated what she said, then added, “i know it’s just because you want to look at me.”  double you tee eff?!?  seriously?  he thought it was funny and she couldn’t possibly be right.

she was possibly right.  probably right.  definitely right.

i looked at the girl, she was horrified and said, “it’s cool.”

she understood me.  he didn’t.

and then they left.

what have we learned?

opening a conversation with a girl being self-deprecating and humorous = good

doing it while sitting with another girl = bad

continuing to try to make conversation with a girl who won’t look you in the eye = bad

ignoring the warning of the girl you’re with when she tells you that the girl you’re hitting on is not only not interested but also annoyed = bad

being so oblivious that single word answers and zero eye contact makes you feel bolder = extra super bad

thank you, Starbucks guy who couldn’t take a hint.  and by hint, i mean clear signals that i was so not into your advances.  today you have served as an example to many about how to stay alone forever.

what’s the most awkward flirtatious moment you’ve ever encountered?  either being on the delivery or receiving end…

what’s the worst pick-up line you’ve ever heard?

what’s the best?


18 comments on “stop talking to me

  1. “Tim Tebow must have been somewhere praying for me.” I’m still laughing!

    I once had two shady looking fellows follow my around Wal-Mart…while I was with another not shady looking fellow that is easily twice their size… My not shady looking companion finally had enough of being followed and turned around at first looking angry and then smiled, winked, and blew a kiss to the shady fellows. They bolted, never to been seen again. 🙂

    • i once got surrounded by a half a dozen guys of hispanic descent in a Walmart. so, with my back to the Doritos i said, “i make an example of the first one touches me. who’s it going to be?”

      one of them translated and they left.

      it probably helped that i had at least 2 inches on the tallest one.

    • jennw2ns says:

      Yeah, that was definitely my favourite line, too . . .

  2. Rachel says:

    1) swing dancing with the socially awkward fellow (floodpants // ill-fitting shoes // greasy hair // fidgety hands // inability to keep rhythm) who does the white-guy-bite-my-bottom-lip-so-i-look-cool dance move while looking me up and down with sultry eyes *shudder*
    2) “How YOU doin’?” while adjusting your pants [insert Joey from Friends or Joe Jr. from While You Were Sleeping]
    well….is apparently so scarce that I can’t think of one. meh. I will take notice when a guy can take note of what’s going on and insert it into the conversation in a clever and funny way. Translation – originality and unassuming self-confidence. You can say the best pick-up line in the world – but if you’re creepy it fails.

    • I like the ‘How you doin’.’ It takes a good connection (eye contact) and a smile first, so she knows you’re making a reference. When played right, it did work for me (when made clear it’s meant to be clever and funny). Either that, or I have very forgiving blue eyes.

  3. W. R. Woolf says:

    Oh, dear. People like that always make me uncomfortable…
    Good thing they went away 🙂
    A man once came up to me while I was at work and began to talk to me. He kept trying to make me tell him things about myself and I kept telling him that I was working. I think it took me about 30 minutes to make him go away. VERY uncomfortable…

  4. I can answer Most Awkward right away. In my late teens or possibly 20ish, at the mall, the parents and I split up to shop separately, with agreement to meet at a particular bench area when done. I finished first. So I’m sitting there waiting, and a girl probably 16 or so comes and sits next to me and tries to engage me in conversation. While smoking a cigarette. This made me ill, not in a judgemental way but in an “I can’t breathe, my throat is closing up” kind of way.

    In retrospect, I should have thought to politely explain I was mildly allergic and ask her to put it out or something. But I didn’t want to be rude/was excessively polite, so I endured what was probably only a couple of minutes of conversation by giving short answers and sipping my iced tea frequently. Pro tip: take the top off a cup of Chik-fil-A iced tea and get your nose just above the cup and you can breathe the cold air pocket there without smelling the cigarette. I have survived many encounters with smokers that way.

    At any rate, she asked me what I was doing and learned that I was just waiting for my parents to meet up after shopping and after a few more words she slipped away and I gulped in oxygen. Fast-forward a few more minutes, and my parents arrived, and we headed for the exit. I caught sight of her with some friends about 15-20 feet away from our course, in my peripheral vision, and heard her words carry, “There he goes with his mommy and daddy.” I’m pleased to say it didn’t really bother me because I realized she was making fun of me to divert attention from having “struck out.” But it was definitely my most awkward occurence of someone making a pass at me.

  5. JBen says:

    about 5 years ago I worked at starbucks and a really cute girl came in who I hadn’t seen before. I tried to start up conversation and it wasn’t really working. When I gave her the drink, she said “thank you.” Then I said, ‘you can come back anytime and I’d be happy to make it again for you.”

    She never did.

  6. asoulwalker says:

    Being a man I have the advantage of not usually knowing I am being flirted with until after the fact. The downside is I don’t have any great awkward flirting stories… though there may have been some for a few lucky girls.

    I have struck out plenty of times on what I call the “cold call.” But it doesn’t usually make me feel awkward. Not only have I been a guy my whole life but I have also waited tables and worked in retail… a lot. I don’t really feel awkward talking to strangers and don’t remember the last time I did.

    Your post makes me realize I am missing out on some comedy gold. I may have to shed a single tear…

    • “Being a man I have the advantage of not usually knowing I am being flirted with until after the fact.”

      I like this sentence more than I’ve liked any other sentence this entire day, probably because I live this sentence. WOMEN OF EARTH: if you are in my vicinity, you can presume I am aware of your existence. Beyond that…uh…

    • I agree with my colleague Burrill. That line is awesome and relevant. I once realized a girl had had a crush on me about 5 years after the initial evidence of said crush.

  7. Jenn says:

    Oh goodness, the list for awkward moments is far too long – but all of them centre around areas of being trapped now that I think about it. So maybe I would add, don’t flirt with a vengeance when your audience is captive – be it on a bus or a 2 day train trip from LA to Seattle.

    The best pick up line was actually not an intentional one but it made a serious impression on me. Back in the fall, at the back of a packed express bus I was trying to take off a few layers while balancing all my grad school stuff (aka 3 bags of book etc), and more importantly a Sbuck coffee. All of a sudden a hand helped pull my coat sleeve. He said, “I could see you were going to pour your coffee on yourself and you needed a hand.” If he hadn’t been 18 I would have married that man there. That is manners – save the coffee, save the girl and help out with the coat in a polite non-creepy way.

  8. Tyler Smith says:

    I watched a guy walk up to a girl at a coffeeshop introducing himself and than his yellow lab saying, “This is Geoffrey, he’s studying his DOGtorate.”

    The woman just stared in disbelief.

  9. jennw2ns says:

    Best/worst pick-up line actually directed at me:

    “Excuse me–I think you dropped something.”

    When I paused for the splittest second: “It was your heart. Don’t worry, I’ll keep it for you.”

    The speaker was a Turkish carpet-seller in Istanbul. I’m still trying to figure out if he made that one up out of his own second-language, or if he heard it somewhere. (If the latter, I’m trying to figure out where.)

    I’m sure I’ve had some other ones from back in the day when I used to WORK at Starbucks, but none of them are coming to mind right now.

  10. It was my birthday, and I was at a restaurant with one of my friends. When she said “Happy Birthday” to me out loud, this guy sitting near us overheard, and got up, walked to our booth and just sat down beside me and tried to talk to us. He was already pretty drunk, and I shocked so I just kinda played it off and said “Hi.” After a few minutes he figured out we weren’t going to give him any more attention so he leaned over me, whispered “Happy Birthday, Doll. Maybe I’ll see you later” and kissed my ear!! I was so grossed out, I screamed! He got up and left…It was an interesting birthday, to say the least. 😉

  11. Marcus says:

    So Starbucks Guy left with the girl? It sounds like whatever he did works.

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