Men’s Health: 40 Unwritten Rules to Live By

…and my commentary on all of them.

oh Men’s Health.  you and i have had a rocky relationship.  by rocky, i mean you say the stupidest things i have ever seen in print and i make fun of you for it.

today is no an exception.  mostly.  you still say some stupid things in this list, but there’s some good stuff, too.  i know!  i’m just as surprised as you are.

Men’s Health: 40 Unwritten Rules to Live By

1. Never ask a woman if she wants to have sex by asking her if she wants to have sex. – not starting off strong Men’s Health.  not strong at all.  are you going trick her into it?  how about leaving her be?  women everywhere will be grateful.

2. It is more important to have good health insurance than good health.bovine excrement

3. Don’t bluff more than once in a poker game with friends. – good call.  ha!  call.  lord, i’m hilarious.

4. When one of the big bosses at work unexpectedly says something really cheery and friendly to you, he means absolutely nothing by it. Not even if he’s your father. – maybe especially if he’s your father.  it’s potentially emotionally scaring to ask your father why he is in such a good mood.

5. Wear as much black as you can. It makes you look slimmer and cooler. But avoid black jeans.  – and vampires are very in this year.

6. When someone in your family is going through a divorce, always side with the blood relative. – uhh…no.  not if he or she is a schmuck.  if your jerk cousin makes his nice wife’s life a misery, he’s out, she’s in.

7. Pointedly praising something unusual a person owns or has done will make you appear far smarter in his eyes than a 10-minute discourse on world events. – okay, now this is actually good advice.  noticing something unique = awesome.  10-minute discourse on world events = bo-ring.

8. Yes, speak softly and carry a big stick. But don’t mumble. And don’t swing the stick. – i’m guessing stick is a metaphor.  this is Men’s Health after all.

9. The man who can’t dance, can’t converse, and can’t provide psychological support to a woman is only half a man; the other half can’t cook, can’t clean, and badly wants a drink. – “that’s true enough.” – my husband

10. Do not get a visible tattoo larger than your penis. – or do.  nobody cares anymore.

11. Be aware that most people are operating on a very condensed version of the 10 Commandments: the part about murder. – accurate.  sad.  but accurate.

12. There will be times when good neighbors are more important than a good neighborhood. – hmmm, i’m not…maybe if…hmmm

13. Telling a woman, “You’re a great person,” is taken as the lead-in to a confession that you don’t love her. – yep.

14. Trying to “teach someone a lesson” never works. – unless you gave birth to them.

15. Easy on the mayo! – screw you.  bring on the Hellman’s.

16. Be careful about publicly discussing your hobbies, as most hobbies strike people as somewhat pathetic: most notably, collecting stamps, coins, or anything else, bird-watching, bowling, rockhounding, spelunking, table tennis, poetry, dog shows, chat rooms, polka music, yoga, herpetology, marathon running, and religion. The only hobbies you can safely own up to when among people you need to impress are fly-fishing and golf. – *sigh* that’s probably true.

17. Never buy anyone a gift at a kiosk. –  so true is should be made canon.  don’t say it should be canonized or my husband will decapitate you.  “it’s not possible to canonize something.  it either is canon or it isn’t.  look it up.”  – craig

18. Never wear clothing that your coworkers avoid—the bow tie, the suspenders, the green suit. While you might think you’re expressing your individuality, your colleagues will perceive it as a rejection of their group culture; you’ll become a person who probably can’t be trusted. – fair enough.  but it is always good to dress a half step to a full step up from everyone else.  that’s how you become their boss.

19. Do not bring lunch to work. – in this economy?  screw that.

20. Rainbows are God’s way of reminding us that beauty is an optical illusion, except in sports cars. – shallow much?

21. You will never become a rock star. – someone really should have told that to Scott Stapp.

22. As you go through life, you will discover that more and more of the subjects you studied in college are useless, with the exception of abnormal psychology. – that’s probably true.  but my abnormal psych prof hated my guts, so…

23. Never make any sort of generalization concerning gender, even if it’s so true God himself would back you up. – agreed.

24. Telling a person in management, “I’m a bit of a philosopher,” means you’re a total loser. – i would use “tool”, but okay.

25. When running in the park on a hot day, do not take off your shirt if you are a really hairy sonofabitch.that’s not nice!  true.  but not nice.

26. Never hesitate to admit the error of your ways, when under oath in federal court. – i plead the 5th.

27. Always wear freshly laundered or pressed clothing to work. Even one wrinkle will have certain coworkers creating—and perhaps sharing—scenarios of debauchery or financial distress. – ugh.  true.

28. Do not say hi to a perfect stranger in any town with a population over 2,000. The friendly gesture in Beaver Dam Falls is a scary act of aggression in Boston. – unfortunately true.

29. Always imply, in every possible way, that the person you’re talking to is smarter, better-looking, slimmer, and more successful than they really are. – awww that’s nice.  condescending.  but nice.

30. When choosing a bottle of wine to bring to a dinner party, spend between 10 and 15 dollars. That’s for a bottle, not a gallon. – this is good.

31. Do not come on to the new female pastor, unless she winks at you during the sermon. – not even then.  maybe especially not then.

32. An ounce of appearance is worth a pound of substance. – maybe in the first 3 minutes…

33. The way a woman looks, acts, and talks says nothing about how good she is in bed. – and Men’s Health once again shows its ass.

34. It is okay to admit in conversation that your accountant used his imagination to save you $500 in taxes, but never admit you saved 5 bucks by refilling the vodka bottle in the minibar with water. – seriously?  who does that?

35. Never get into a pissing match via e-mail. If he forwards, you lose. – oh man…so true.  doesn’t even matter how right you are.

36. Never suggest to another person at the gym that he’s not working hard enough to accomplish anything. – not unless you want a dumbbell up your nether regions.

37. People who live in glass houses are idiots. – for reals.

38. Going insane while watching a great football game is a sign of mental health. – i concur.

39. When a man meets another man, bonding begins when they both say things they hope no one else hears. – if that happens, bonding happened a long time ago.

40. The person who sincerely says to you, “I want to get to know you better,” is a person you don’t want to know at all. – yeah.  that’s just kind of creepy.

so give us your best piece of advice about anything.
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15 comments on “Men’s Health: 40 Unwritten Rules to Live By

  1. Implied #41. Living according to Men’s Health will make you less of a real man.

    42. Buy quality clothes. Especially shoes. Good shoes that are well-maintained will last for at least seven years, saving you at least two lesser pair in the long run.

  2. asoulwalker says:

    I didn’t realize religion could be a hobby. This could free up a lot of my time.

  3. Jason says:

    On #10, I think something got left on the editing floor… shouldn’t it have read:

    Do not get a visible tattoo larger than your penis on your penis.

    But who wants an invisible tattoo? I mean do they use invisible ink for that? And if so why go through the pain with nothing to show for it?

  4. #9 – has me so confused. I can’t dance, can converse, can provide emotional support, can’t cook much, can clean, and don’t drink. I don’t know what percentage of man that makes me. 73? 89? Is there a weighted average involved? Should I include pi in the formula? Can mine be pecan pie? a la mode?

    #16 – fly-fishing and golf aren’t any safer. We all know you golf to schmooze with the boss and wear weird pants.

    #26 – I love you answer, Sharideth!

    #27 – Working from home means not having to care about your office attire unless customers are visiting. Nude is not recommended however.

    #28 – If the population is over 100,000, it’s best to yell it at the top of your lungs as though demented. The pickpockets and gangsters will be too frightened to approach you.

    #30 – Benefits of being a teetotaler? No one expects you to bring wine.

    #36 – Dumbell in the Nether Regions sounds like a good band name.

  5. Bethany says:

    16. So the only people you’ll ever need to impress are atheist middle- and advanced-aged men?

    25. Expand this to: Don’t take your shirt off unless you actually have abs worth showing off. A guy with an average attractive rating is going to lose a ton of points when he starts flaunting his pasty, untoned torso. If women can stand being fully-clothed at the park on a hot day, you can, too. 😉

  6. My favorite advice of all time came from the tips that popped up (years ago) when you opened Microsoft Word. If you clicked “next tip” enough times, you’d stumble across a tip that had nothing to do with Microsoft Word. The best one?

    “Never pet a burning dog.”

  7. ThatGuyKC says:

    HAHAHA! Sharideth you crack me up. I don’t always get to comment, but I read your stuff every day.

    I’ve got a love/hate relationship with Men’s Health. Mostly I read it for the fitness and professional advice because the “relationship” stuff is targeted to single dudes.

    However, over the last year or so the images used in print are more closely resembling Playboy and it gets awkward to read at home near my kids or even on the bus. ;(

  8. Here’s mine:

    People who give you lists of rules to live by, just wish more people in the world were exactly like them (and want to think anyone who isn’t like them is a loser).

    The biggest losers are those who lose themselves in trying to be like someone else.

    I’ll just go with Bill and Ted’s Golden Rule: “Be excellent to each other”.

    PS:

    #25, why the hell not?!

    And #16: I think fly-fishing and golf are both really pathetic, and if I have to like them to impress someone, then I don’t want to impress them and whatever I need to impress them for, I will find another way to get it.

  9. Lynne says:

    #18 Nooooo. NOOOOO. no.
    Bowties. Are. Cool. So are suspenders. As evidenced by: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPGTizdGwSc

    Anyone who dresses out of the norm is golden in my book. They deserve the awesomesauce award.

  10. Larry Hehn says:

    41. Even if your wife says, “You don’t need to get me a present for (insert special occasion here),” you should give her a present anyway.

    42. When your wife asks, “Would you like a coffee?” as you drive by a coffee shop, she means that she wants a coffee, and you can get one too if you’d like. Pull in to the coffee shop and get her one.

    43. Thinking about it all day, does not equal foreplay.

  11. Lord Alvin says:

    #17. To make something canon or to canonize something is the same and can’t be done (unless you are a Mormon). Canon is simply a unit of measure. Think of it this way, if you have half a gallon of milk, you can’t gallonize it. It simply doesn’t fit the measure of a gallon. From Wikipedia:

    “Many modern Protestants point to the following four “Criteria for Canonicity” to justify the selection of the books that have been included in the New Testament:

    Apostolic Origin — attributed to and based upon the preaching/teaching of the first-generation apostles (or their close companions).

    Universal Acceptance — acknowledged by all major Christian communities in the ancient world (by the end of the 4th century) as well as accepted canon by Jewish authorities (for the Old Testament).

    Liturgical Use — read publicly when early Christian communities gathered for the Lord’s Supper (their weekly worship services).

    Consistent Message — containing a theological outlook similar to or complementary to other accepted Christian writings.”

    Aaaaannnnddd… screw rule 16. I just dropped some religion talk. I don’t fly fish or golf.

  12. Lord Alvin says:

    Copy/paste is easier than typing.

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