i can’t love me, so i can’t love you: part 2

"Freedom" sculpture by Zenos Frudakis

i kind of feel like maybe i left those hanging who might be like what i described in the first post.  so this post is for them.  it won’t be long and it won’t be full of platitudes.  it will seem terribly mean to those who don’t understand you.  but you, you will get it.  what i can’t guarantee is that i won’t say something you already know.

which leads me to bullet point 1…

  • you’re not dumb.  not only are you smarter than the average bear, you are more self-aware than most.  being closed-off and self-aware might seem contradictory to some, but you understand it completely.  you know you’re a mess and you know why, you just don’t know how to stop the cycle that keeps you alone.
  • you don’t like the idea of therapy.  probably because you think it will be too touchy feely and you are so not about that.  i’m going to tell you another reason you don’t like the idea of therapy.  fear.  go ahead.  growl at me all you want about how you’re not afraid of anything.  but you and i both know the thought of confronting whatever it is that makes you hate yourself is terrifying.  it just seems too big and you’ve gotten pretty damn good at not thinking about it.  and don’t think i’m going to let you off the hook if you “tried that once and i didn’t work”.  that’s a cop out and you know it.
  • you hide behind your humor and/or your intelligence.  if you keep them laughing, you can keep them at arm’s length.  if you’re smarter than they are, they are less likely to try and get past your defenses.  boom!  outed.
  • you are a quality human being who deserves just as much happiness as anyone else.  stop shrinking.  of all the things i’ve said, this is the hardest for you…because you don’t believe it.  too bad.  your lack of belief doesn’t make it any less true.  you have value.  you have a lot to offer.  your “thing” you think makes you unlovable does not define you unless you let it.  it could be something you’ve done or something that was done to you.  it doesn’t matter.  you know why?
  • you are stronger than you know.  you are a survivor.  you only have to find the courage to face your “thing”.  and you can do this.  it won’t be easy.  it won’t be fun.  but it will be freeing.  you will be free to love and free to be loved.

how do you confront your “thing”?  i don’t know.  i’ve seen it work in different ways for different people.  some need a professional to walk through the process with.  some just decide enough is enough and start forcing themselves to react differently to emotional situations.  they allow themselves to feel the good and the bad and take it one scary day at a time.  you know yourself.  take a minute to think about what it will take for you.

whatever scares you the most, is probably your answer.

you are not hopeless.  you are not your “thing”.  you are whatever you choose to be; just like everyone else.  you just have a bigger battle ahead of you to get where your going.

good thing you’re a fighter.

anyone out there on the other side of this?  what did it take for you confront your “thing”?


7 comments on “i can’t love me, so i can’t love you: part 2

  1. Peter says:

    Freedom sculpture = Han being freed from his carbonite tomb.

  2. Jennifer C says:

    Thanks for writing this follow up.

    I do hide behind humor. A lot. It’s a defense mechanism. If they laugh, they don’t or can’t know what’s going on. I also use intelligence, too, in a dumb way. If I am or at least appear smarter or more intelligent, they won’t bother me. …totally busted.

    I am looking into counseling, and it scares me a little. Also, I am excited. I want get over thinking I am not quality. I want to get over knowing God loves me but thinkin he doesn’t necessarily like or delight in me. People, too.

    It will be hard. It will suck. It will be worth it. I want so desperately to love people in a more real and honest way, and I know that can’t really happen until I get over my “thing…s”.

  3. susan says:

    my ‘thing” has been confronted several times now. I have used a few ways – having discovered that denial and repression were not really working for me, no matter how fabulous I could convince the world I was:)
    I went to counselling – several times over several years and about 2 years ago came across an amazing Christian woman who finally got me talking about the thing.
    It was scary. It was exhilarating. It was painful. It was mindblowing.

    I also write by blogs which help me process stuff. I ”retired” some unhealthy friendships.
    I found some things to do that made my heart sing and allowed me to be the essence of me without expectation or demands from others. I keep a list of dealbreakers (not so good at sticking to it but its a work in progress…).

    I remember all those things on your list Sharideth – I AM smart, I am strong, I am capable.

    Great post.

  4. MichelleK41 says:

    I so wubbies you!

  5. Francesca Sage says:

    I am this person. But nothing really bad has ever happened to me. I’ve never done anything horrible. I have good parents. Can you imagine that counseling session?

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