“I do not trust people who don’t love themselves and yet tell me, ‘I love you.’ There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.” –Maya Angelou
geez Maya Angelou, hit us where it hurts, why dontcha? stop being so wise and crap.
but sharideth?!? what about Miss Insecurity and everything you said about her potential awesomeness?
chill out. i stand by that 100%. but there is a big difference between being insecure and not loving yourself.
insecurity comes from a place of fear and not recognizing your own worth, but there is still a sense of basic decency in who you are as a person.
if you are someone who does not love/like yourself, you live daily believing you are a person who is no good, a bad seed, so busted that you don’t deserve love.
again, BIG difference.
getting rid of insecurity can be learned.
self-loathing must be confronted; sometimes by a professional.
the reason to beware of someone who claims to love you but does not love herself is because she doesn’t really understand love. love is something that comes from within. if what’s within is broken and dark, she cannot understand what it is to give you the kind of love you deserve. please understand that i am not saying these girls are worthless. they absolutely are not. i’ve known a few. they tend to be exceedingly intelligent and even have a highly developed sense of humor. what i am saying is that they will hurt you. they tend to get so uncomfortable with real affection, they will begin to sabotage the relationship.
this isn’t someone who doesn’t know she’s doing it. it is no unconscious lashing out. she means it.
and she hates herself for it.
she won’t want to do it. she won’t want to hurt you. but she will be powerless to stop it.
when something, namely you and your caring for her, begins to touch that place in her where she believes she keeps the worst of herself, she’ll panic. she’ll be compelled to drive you away.
she doesn’t understand that what she keeps hidden there does not define her. it is not the only part of her. she is convinced if you know how truly terrible or dirty she is, you would never stay.
she doesn’t understand how wrong she is about that.
without some real introspection and a confrontation with whatever it is that makes her loathe herself, she’ll never really be able to love the way she wants to. this is not your fault. there is no “enough” you can give her to make her better. she believes her darkness is complete. it isn’t, of course, but that thought is off her radar.
i am no psychological professional. let’s be clear about that. the things i say and talk about here on the blog are only based on patterns i see in the world around me. those patterns are telling me these girls are often the victims of abuse. they need to get some real help to begin the process of not just learning their own value, but to go deeper to begin to learn they have any value.
Ms. Angelou is right; as is the African saying. you should be suspect of someone who claims to love you but does not love herself.
but neither Ms. Angelou, nor the African saying tell you to turn and run. only to be careful.
on a friendship level, i have chosen to love the friends i’ve known who do not love themselves. many of them are in varying stages of the process that is leading them to healing. some of them are not. i can only be there when they allow it and encourage whatever progress they are making.
when it comes to dating, it is no crime to hold someone like this at arm’s length. but i would encourage you to not abandon her entirely. she’s probably had plenty of that.
just don’t push too hard. let her say what she’s willing to say when she’s willing to say it. the more she reveals and the less you cringe, will make all the difference. but beware, she might tell you something horrible from her past just to make you leave.
this is the one time i’m going to tell you to disappoint her by staying right where you are.
wait her out.
be stronger than she is, make no judgments and don’t try to fix it. without saying so, your attitude should be “okay, and…”
it’ll shock the crap out of her.
she thinks she’s alone. don’t prove her right.
of course all these things can exist in men, too. all the same principles apply.
this blog has gotten away from me. it became something i never intended. i had a completely different idea in mind. it was lighter and a heck of a lot funnier.
sometimes it happens that way for me and i can’t apologize for it. i didn’t even have a title for it until it was finished. strange that.
all i can do is hope that there’s at least one person out there who i wrote this for.
how’s your Tuesday?