first date don’ts

thanks to the tweeting prowess of Matthew Paul Turner (aka jesusneedsnewpr) i ended up watching The Virgin Diaries on TLC last night.  i got so much fodder for the blog, i’m not sure whether to thank Matthew or kill him in his sleep.  he lives in Nashville.  it’s a possibility.

Entertainment Weekly called the show “The Most Uncomfortable Hour on Television”.  i concur.

i actually made an audible gross-out noise, covered my eyes and cringed.  so, so horrible.  what made me do that?  well, lucky for you, there’s a clip on YouTube.  what?  if i had to see it, so do you.

this is a couple who had never touched, kissed, let alone dry humped anyone.  they waited until their wedding to kiss for the first time and this is what it looked like.

you.  are.  welcome.

best part?  that’s not the only thing that made me cringe.  the show followed single adult virgins on dates and the results were so awkward…good lord, i don’t even have words to describe the amount of awkward.  maybe, being caught touching yourself comes close.

sorry.  that was the only super awkward thing i could think of being only halfway through my peppermint mocha.

if you ever want to know what not to do on a first date, watch The Virgin Diaries.  or read this list…

first date don’ts

1.  do not reveal your sexual status  – “hi, i’m a 39 year old virgin.” or “nice to meet you, i’ve had 39 sexual partners.” is not your best foot forward.  classic overshare.  this is not info people require on a first date.

2.  do not ask about “goals for getting married and having children” – …unless you want to go ahead and freak your date right out.  there’s is very little more terrifying to a date than knowingly being in the presence of someone who is spouse hunting.

3.  do not test your date – if you have strongly held convictions, it can be tempting to throw down and see if your date believes the same thing.  do.  not.  do.  that.  it’s a first date, not a job interview.

4.  do not lead with your baggage – the last thing your date wants to know about you is all the things you hate about yourself or how you feel bad about the jerky way you ended things with your ex.  there’s plenty of time later to reveal that you’re a commitment phobe.

first dates are for first impressions.  conversation should be casual and topics kept fairly general.  jobs, number of siblings, where you born, education, favorite flavor of Ben & Jerry’s, how much everyone hates the Yankees…if there’s a connection, conversation will naturally move into more personal topics without being weird, aggressive or awkward.

seriously, watch the Virgin Diaries.  if you do the exact opposite of everything they do, you’ll b fine.

what are some other don’ts for a first date?

what is a different awkward analogy i could’ve used in stead of masturbation?

*disclaimer – for the record, i believe waiting until marriage is a beautiful thing and support it wholeheartedly.

*note – who knew wholeheartedly was one word?


39 comments on “first date don’ts

  1. Nice write up, but… doesn’t it just seem fake? It’s not that I don’t believe people can be THAT awkward (I work at a church, where that is a goal for a lot of people… not being awkward, but abstinence). I mean, it’s TV right? Aren’t these overly-awkward situations carefully engineered to get people to feel disgusted… so they’ll get hooked and blog about it?

    Not try to be a debby-downer, or negate your tips, but what are you thoughts on the reality of this?

    • that’s a great question actually.

      being in the relationship biz and having done full time ministry in churches, i think it’s the real deal. i’ve seen people that are just that awkward.

      i’m kind of hoping people will watch it who struggle with being awkward on dates and see themselves in it. nothing like holding up the Mighty Mirror of Objectivity to induce a little self-awareness.

      • jennw2ns says:

        Oh, it’s the real deal. *I* am that awkward. Pretty sure I did all those things on my first date with the guy I am now almost engaged to, and even though it was a tremendous turn-off . . . well? We’re still dating, and almost engaged. AND we met on obnoxious Christian Mingle.

        Miracles do happen!

  2. I think I actually threw up a little in my mouth after watching that video.

    You need to post some sort of NSFM [not safe for monday] as a heads up 😉 They actually looked like they were “feeding” each other or something… Egad.

  3. [Just found your blog & totally digging it, btw!]

  4. Sweet fancy Moses that was insane! I feel really…well…out of sorts after watching that video clip…I mean…come on! And now it’s like stuck on rewind in my head, thank you!

    I would say on a first date, don’t attempt a first kiss…especially like what the couple in that video modeled! Good grief, why didn’t they just press and hold instead of going at it like that! lol!

  5. Not only have you opened my eyes and answered the question I was going to send you for your next visiting hour (Why do I never get a second date?), you’ve answered the follow-up question (How to French kiss?) too!
    I think you’ve tackled the most common mistakes, and although it falls right in the middle of numbers 1 and 3, I was asked once whether I use protection or not. That was before I found out she did horseriding for a hobby. Also, that’s why she didn’t get a second date.

  6. Tylerler says:

    i used to call my first dates the “makeout auditions”.

    it got this super bland blonde chick another date cause she passed with such flying colors.
    it abruptly ended several others.

    i have no “absolving myself of sounding like a tool” jokes for the end of this.

    i’m a tool.

  7. I’ve definitely had my share of awkward first dates, though I think the older I get, the less awkward they become (thank God!)

    And… being 29, I have given this a lot of thought and keep coming back to the same conclusion, that I am saving my first kiss (yes, ever) for the altar. However, unlike the couple above, I don’t think it will be that terribly awkward. I’ve heard my fair share of criticisms on this but I keep coming back to it being a personal conviction. Don’t worry, I re-assess it every couple of years to make sure I’m not doing it just for the sake of doing it. Trust me.

    Along the same lines of what you said above, a guy listing out all of the qualities he likes in his mom and what he wants out of a future wife on a first date is definitely a little much. It’s just coffee dude! 🙂

  8. rkc says:

    haha They were trying to eat each other!! Only logical explanation for what that was. I now have a strong desire to see this show.

  9. Jenn says:

    Okay I refused to watch the show – there is just so much wrong with the concept, that I think it ruins the heart of it – somewhere in all that I wanted the hope that normalizing virginity in adults would come out of it – where there would be normal, non-awkward people showing it’s a legitimate option for everyone single and not married.

    As for the whole first date business – RELAX – it will be awkward, embrace the awkward because ironically it will make it less so. My advice – talk. If you need to make a list of all the things you enjoy and research them and test them out with your bff’s then go for it – there is nothing worse than a date with a boy who couldn’t talk to save his life.

  10. Emily says:

    Love your blog, Sharideth. For some reason, this You Tube clip reminded me of a quote from the classic movie, Uncle Buck. It’s when Buck says to the elementary school principal, “Take this quarter, go downtown and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face!” Perhaps the kissing in the video is not so unlike a rat gnawing something…..

  11. Dusty says:

    So, you know you’re going to be on National TV…. Yet, you still don’t ready yourself?
    Like showing up to play the Superbowl… in your underwear, without your helmet.
    Don’t people practice on pillows and mirrors anymore?

  12. Casey says:

    That’s terrible. I will have that image burned in my brain for hours. And having had my first kiss a few months back, I feel justified in saying “Seriously??” I think they really were trying to eat each other… there must be some logical reason for that – checking out the other’s tooth paste perhaps?

    Now I’m off to show this video to someone else in the hopes that I won’t be alone in the horror…

  13. Emma says:

    At the risk of sounding judgemental, I think I did throw up in my mouth a little bit. It looked like a bird feeding her chicks regurgitated worms!

    One first date of mine (that did NOT get a second date) had no trouble coming up with conversation. About himself. Constantly. Whenever I brought up a topic, his response started with how he’d done that before, or what his church did with that, etc etc. Not that I didn’t care about him, but… come on, it’s supposed to be conversation not competition.

  14. Jeff says:

    In my opinion, that show has one purpose, and one purpose only: To advance the abortion agenda.

    Yes, I said abortion.

    One of the pro-life movement’s primary “solutions” to abortion is abstinence. But we can’t possibly expect our kids to be ABSTINENT. It’s just so….unrealistic. And nerdy. Abortion must remain legal so that our teens can be spared the awkwardness of abstinence.

    So hey, here’s an idea. Let’s show everyone just how weird those Bible thumping virgins are!

  15. G Fresh says:

    I’m thinking talking about any kind of rash, regardless of how innocent it may be and how much it resembles the Virgin Mary is probably not the best idea.

  16. Oh! That video just reminded me. Time to feed my goldfish.

  17. JBen says:

    2 thoughts:

    1) Does the show ever have virgins who are normal, well-adjusted people? Or are they perpetuating a myth that virgins are freakish sub-humans?

    2) Have you ever seen “Millionaire Matchmaker” on Bravo? You will find plenty of fodder on that show. Plus you can laugh at awkward millionaires, which is much more satisfying than laughing at awkward virgins.

  18. Alyssa says:

    My roommate had watched the virgin diaries Sunday and I caught the rerun later that night. I was dying. I was both mortified and intrigued and could barely stand to watch that kiss.

    It was also a good “what not to do on a first day” lesson. I took (mental) notes. And if you haven’t seen Millionaire Matchmaker as @JBen was mentioning… then you should. You would get a good laugh.

  19. Bethany says:

    I do wonder if the show could have a good affect though. I had a seminar professor (we met all day, four times a semester) who is a scriptwriter in Hollywood. He said told us that his gay friends told him back in the day that they planned to make homosexuality acceptable by moving through three phases: First we make shows where you laugh at gays, then we’ll have you laughing at people who feel awkward around gays (“Not that there’s anything wrong with that…”), and then we’ll just be accepted. It worked!

    Maybe we can do the same thing with virginity?

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