when an insecure girl is into you

she’s hot, she’s smart, she’s kind, she bakes the best cookies you’ve ever eaten, god help her she’s into you, she has absolutely no sense of her own self worth.

you’ve landed yourself Miss Insecurity.

you can read through that link directly above this to learn how to help her build confidence, but this post is running in a different direction.  do some stretching and grab your cross trainers.  if you put on Vibrams, i’m not sure we can be friends.

this is about avoiding a serious temptation when it comes to an insecure girl.  the temptation to mold her into your own image…of what a girl should be.

her fear of disapproval is so strong she will do anything to avoid it.  she will willing hand over her entire identity to please you.  she’ll be anything you want her to be.

unless you are a pathetic douche bag, you will have to learn to say no.  it will be crazy flattering how far she’s willing to go for you, but up until you, everyone has taken advantage of her.

break the cycle.

1.  say no – she will offer to pay for things, to clean your house, to do your laundry…she will all but beg to please to you.  say no.  assure her you have own your finances, personal hygiene and home maintenance under control…whether you actually do or not.  physically restrain her if you have to, because your refusal just might send her into a panic attack thinking she’s not good enough to wash your socks or clean your gutters.

2.  reassure her – keep your voice kind and patient and with a bit of humor in it.  she’ll be freaking right out, so make sure she knows it’s really not necessary for her to paint your kitchen.  seriously, she’ll be coming out of her skin.

3.  serve her – do something good and manly for her.  get her oil changed or do it yourself for extra man points.  make her dinner or get take out and put it in your own dishes to pretend like you cooked it.  if you do that, make sure she sees the take out boxes so you can both laugh and break the tension she will most surely be feeling by not being the one cooking you a six course meal.

4.  protect her – she never says no.  to anyone.  ever.  if someone is asking too much of her or taking advantage, step in and say no for her.  shield her from those who would use her innate generosity and fear of rejection against her.  and hold on to your dangly parts, because those people are going to be pissed.

5.  watch your words – she is going to be listening INTENTLY for any clue that you might want something about her to change to suit you.  continually reinforce those things about her you are attracted to.  shore up who she is as her own person and the value there is in just being her.

6.  be patient – this is all going to be very new to her and she will not take it well initially.  she’d probably be more comfortable being held at gunpoint.  it will be so foreign that it just might terrify her because she won’t understand her role.  find ways to calm her down, to redirect her fear.  help her to breathe.  remember when Aragorn first meets Brego and the horse is losing his shit?  it’ll be like that.

7.  be her partner – she is a natural helper.  she needs to be contributing.  plan times to work together on things.  preferably something you have to give her instruction on so she can’t take over and do it all herself.  because she will try.  it’s important to let her know you are a team.  that you do not expect any more from her than you do yourself.

more than any of those things though, think of her first in everything you do.  imagine what it might be like to be constantly used by everyone around you and check your own motives on a regular basis.  lend her your strength.  because i’m telling you, when you’ve been shoved off a cliff by an Orc and are lying face down in a river, she will find you and bring you home.

she’s one “sorry.  i can’t do that for you.” away from becoming a Keeper.

have you ever run into this girl?

girls, have you ever been this girl?

any other suggestions for making sure you don’t take advantage of her or to help her become more confident?

anyone willing to admit to wearing Vibrams?

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32 comments on “when an insecure girl is into you

  1. Casey says:

    I feel like sometimes I’m sitting on the edge of being this girl – most days I’ve left her in the ashes of my high school years though (thank God!). It’s a slow process to work through… And for the record: by including LOTR references in this, you’re become my favorite person on the planet right now. Great post!

  2. G Fresh says:

    Man, if only someone could cross Crocs with Vibrams they would have a product that millions of people with poor taste and a desire to be physically fit would purchase by the case.

    Regarding your question; I WAS this girl…well, the male equivalent anyway. I’m slowly growing out of it however. 🙂

  3. You get a point for the LOTR reference. You get a second point for surprising me. I totally though you’d be taking the Eowyn angle when I saw the photo, and instead you give me Brego.

    “because i’m telling you, when you’ve been shoved off a cliff by an Orc and are lying face down in a river, she will find you and bring you home.” That line is golden there.

    I have most definitely known that girl. I was more the big brother than the love interest, though I realized after the fact that I probably had more interest in her than I admitted, and vice versa. We only knew each other for a few months before I moved away and lost contact. Email wasn’t really a thing much of anyone had back then. Always wondered how she turned out. She was one of the most vulnerable people I’ve ever known, and I worried about her.

    I have never heard of Vibrams, so we can still be friends, right?

  4. Oy. I’ve been that girl! I still find myself slipping into that mentality when I’m trying to impress a guy. “Hey there handsome, look at all these cool things I can do for you! Just imagine what it will be like when we are married!”

    Nope, dudes don’t want a mom. They have one already. And if they’re digging the mom- girlfriend… run the other way. No one wants to deal with a guy who has mommy issues.

  5. Catalina says:

    Sadly ive been this girl. Thus the reason my first marriage didn’t work, i had no more energy to be this girl. Yet when we seperated i didn’t know how to not be her. It took time and a good man to show me.

  6. A while ago, she was my girlfriend for two years. At one point, I had cheated on her (and told her), declared not to put in any more effort and have an endless list of things that I thought were wrong with her part in the relationship. She couldn’t name anything that was wrong with me. She thought I was perfect and stuck around like that, payed my bills and would buy me sigarettes whenever I was low on money. Do I need to tell you we’re not together anymore? It drove me away (in retrospect, not a bad thing and way too late).

    PS. I had to google Vibrams. They look awfully comfortable.

  7. Ashley says:

    I have to say that, any girl would love to have a man like this, even one that is not the girl you’re describing. Though, I have been this girl before, and I would have grown out of it a lot sooner if I had a guy like this to help me. When I find him, I will definitely be willing to be the one to pull him out of the river if he’s been left for dead by Orcs. 🙂

  8. I was just thinking, Judge Judy’s courtroom is full of girls like this who’ve suddenly realized what a jerk the guy living off of them really was after he failed to pay them back yet again or left them holding a bill.

    The saddest commentary on humanity is how often, when you see it, there’s a new girl just like that sitting beside the jerk avidly defending him from the previous victim.

  9. H.E. ELLIS says:

    I love your glossary of girls features. After some research I found I’m in transition from Runner to Keeper. Still got a ways to go, though.

  10. Ed Blonski says:

    A bit of advice to guys from an old guy.

    For God’s sake don’t try to fix this girl!

    And for CHRIST’S sake, don’t pull out your Bible and try to fix this girl.

    Your faith is not for fixing things.

    • Ed Blonski, I could kiss you for this truth! *mwa*

    • I’m confused. What do you mean by fix in this statement? I’m presuming don’t fix is different from “leave her like you found her” since the original post is about turning insecure into keeper material. My brain can miss nuances through literalness sometimes, and I don’t feel like I’m comprehending what you’re actually trying to say.

  11. Fantastic post – as always. Ironically, we played a board game with our daughters this weekend called “Beat the Parents” and they asked a question “Who was Brego from LOTR” – I’m shamed to admit that I didn’t know that was the name of Aragon’s horse. Why the hell didn’t you write this post last week before my wife and I got pounded by our 7 and 10 year old???

  12. Bekah Hope says:

    I have been this girl. I surprised myself by discovering that there was so much more of her in me as a 22 year old independent young woman than there was as a gawky highschooler. It took me being in a relationship to even realize this. I found myself saying “I’m sorry” with almost every breath and started to wonder, “Why the heck do I do that? I’m freakin’ annoying with that crap.” Turns out that recognizing it was half the battle. This is starting to change in me. And confidence feels great!

    My sister wears Vibrams when we work out. This may be the reason she walks and I run – away from her.

  13. Jenn says:

    Okay Vibrams are gross – I cannot abide them at all, and I will admit I love to be barefoot (but not in the kitchen yadda yadda), but to run a marathon barefoot or in any variety is just beyond me.

    As to this girl – I think you offered a lot of practical advice. I think it’s fair to say that most young women in the church are consciously or unconsciously bred to be this woman. We are trained to be the humble servant ready to do whatever our man needs. Heck, even the most independent of us, have these feelings – occasionally until we beat them back with a few martinis or whatever. I think the key thing is to have men understand that in it’s extreme manifestations it isn’t healthy for anyone – her or you.

  14. dtdorrin says:

    I was going to read the other comments before posting, but was too impatient because I wanted to hurry & and say this: Thank you for not saying “run away and wait for her to stop being insecure.” I have found a lot of men don’t want to take the time to dig underneath the insecurity to find the awesome woman below. Every woman has moments (or days or weeks) of insecurity, and though it’s something that should be worked through, it’s often not a fatal flaw. And if a guy waits for a woman to reach a point in their life when they don’t struggle with it, they might as well get used to being single.
    So yes, thanks for this.

  15. Mandie Marie says:

    I have totally been this girl, realized I was this girl, then mentally slapped myself. I sometimes relapse.

    But really, this guy isn’t just for insecure girls. I think all girls could benefit from a man such as this.

    “shield her from those who would use her innate generosity and fear of rejection against her.” I know you wrote this Sharideth, but SWOON.

  16. Charmaine Stanley says:

    How many men are there that are actually like this?

    I am this girl in relationships, I am not proud of it but it is insanely hard to switch out of. I finally found a man who has been patient with me, except we will only ever just be friends.

    So for those of us women who are still stuck with this insecurity, are there still men prepared to enter into a relationship with us to help us help ourselves?

  17. […] in order for what you’re about to read to make sense, you’re going to have to read yesterday’s post: when an insecure girl is into you […]

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