y’all know i usually don’t make my blogs faith specific, but today i’m making an exception. sort of. what i have to say applies to everyone, but is exaggerated in those who live by a system of belief that includes God making frowny faces when it comes to divorce.
i’m a Christian, so i will be skewering the brethren today.
how do Christians get divorced? more like how do chickens get divorced. Craig and i have watched this happen several times over the years. “this” being one person in the couple wanting out, but being too cowardly and proud to just leave. so what do they do? they say things, do things, behave in a way that drives the other to make either commit the big A or leave out of frustration. that way the person who really wants out can look like the victim and blame other for the end of the marriage.
shitty. that’s what that is.
is there ever an excuse for committing adultery? nope. that’s a grown up choice a person makes and needs to take responsibility for. if that choice is made after 15 years of marriage where the wife has withheld sex except for a couple of times a year as a reward for God knows what, while constantly telling her husband he’s worthless and will never be good enough to satisfy her in anyway? that choice, while still wrong, becomes understandable.
however, in Christian circles, that scenario, which is real btw, is all too common. know what else is common? the one who cheats is crucified while the one who spent the entire marriage being hateful gets a get out of marriage free card; along with the house, the kids, the friends and the support.
this happens on both sides.
men will withdraw. usually in ways that are fairly extreme. taking a job out of town that requires a second residence because he’s there so much. completely checking out using video games or other hobby that doesn’t remotely include his wife and/or family. if that doesn’t work and she still stays, usually because she believes he’ll still come through for her, a man will eventually just sin boldly. generally in the form of an affair that “just happened”. he didn’t mean for it to, really. he just fell in love and it couldn’t be helped. ugh. oh and bullshit.
with women, it’s much more subtle. or at least appears so on the surface. inside the home it may as well be painted in red on the walls. a woman withholds sex. then makes him feel like a neanderthal/selfish bastard for wanting to have sex. she alienates him emotionally by picking petty fights or making demeaning accusations about his capabilities as a man. often the man never tells anyone this is happening until things are already falling apart. why? he’s embarrassed. but more than that, he’s spent the last how ever many years hoping to work it out, because even after all the crap she’s put him through, he loves her. but once he actually messes up, she’s jumps at the chance to end the marriage.
now you tell me who’s really to blame.
Craig and i have noticed one other thing that happens in these situations. the one who wanted out all along, will never talk to us. the one who is being pushed away will come to us, confess his or her role in the break down and ask for help to fix it. the other one, not a word. i suspect because he/she knows we won’t be like everyone else and believe it was all one sided. remember when i said the people who do this are cowards? yeah.
more than once we’ve been the only friends left for the person getting blamed. eventually the truth does come out and the one who did the manipulating gets what coming to them in the form of a massive friend defection. the only people who stay with them are the ones who either would or are doing the same thing to their spouse.
friends, readers, Christendom, lend me your ears. before you judge someone for how a marriage ended, talk to them first. ask the questions that give him or her an opportunity to explain their side. those who end up on the short end of the stick in these situations feel very alone. and you know what else, they are decent enough to not go around telling everyone how things really are. they won’t tell you unless you ask. the other one, the one who is really to blame for the majority of the pain, will be telling everyone who will listen what a schmuck their soon-to-be-ex is.
for those of you have done this, are doing this…grow up. you will win in the short run, but time will out you for being petty, selfish and a coward. either man up and move out or get some counseling and try to save your marriage. because you are married to someone who actually loves you and if he or she is still around, it’s not too late to make it right. but for God sake, stop trying to be the victim. and by “for God’s sake”, i mean don’t think you’re fooling Him. you’re not. He knows your heart and He knows exactly how it’s all going down.
i’m not sure i have any questions…
okay, i do.
have any of you ever seen this happen?
have you ever judge a divorce and later found out you were wrong about what you thought you knew?
have you ever been through this?