you know Matt Gates. no, seriously. you do. he comments here all the time as G Fresh. see? told you you knew him. he’s taking up residency here today as the next installation in my posts from single guys series. you should follow Matt on Twitter.
enjoy. or die.
One Ring to Rule Them All
I have a superpower.
Well, maybe not so much a superpower as it is an autonomic reflex that is common in a lot of single guys. What is this power you may ask, but probably didn’t?
If you’re a woman that I find attractive, I have the ability to surreptitiously check your ring finger within the first 3 seconds of meeting you.
Yeah, I know it’s not x-ray vision, super strength or the ability to belch the Gettysburg Address on command, but it’s what I’ve got. Go me.
You usually have no idea that I’ve done this because the last time I checked, I’m sneaky like a ninja crashing a pirate wedding. Of course I suppose it’s theoretically possible that you *have* caught me at it, but were too polite to say anything. If that’s the case then let me just say thanks for allowing me to hold on to my delusions of secret agent finger-ogling abilities bordering on the Bondian…James Bondian.
Why is this important?
It’s not really; more of a Fun Matt Fact that sets up the real point of this post—the Kryptonite to this power; the unadorned, but still spoken for female finger…and, you know, everything attached to said finger.
In what seems to be a newish trend, I’ve noticed a lot of engaged or married women who for various, usually innocuous reasons don’t wear their engagement and/or wedding rings out in public. Usually this has to do with it being an uncomfortable fit, they’ve developed some sort of allergy to gold or they have the belief that a ring is the most oppressive symbol of a heavy-handed patriarchal society bent on the subjugation and abject humility of all women everywhere…or some such nonsense that completely ignores the question of: Who gave them permission to put on shoes and get out of the kitchen in the first place?
This may sound a little chauvinistic or as I like to say, mantastic, but ladies? For the sake of single guys everywhere; if you are permanently or soon-to-be permanently joined to someone in holy-ish matrimony, PLEASE wear your ring.
At all times.
Even to family reunions if you live in certain rural areas in a certain southern state that may or may not rhyme with Hen Plucky. It would be better for everyone that way.
There are several reasons for this. Let’s review, shall we?
First of all, the presence or absence of a ring dictates at least in some ways how a single guy will interact with you. This is not to say that the lack of a ring equals automatic flirtation because let’s face it, you could be an awful person that nobody likes; but on the first contact, temporarily superficial relational level we single guys, or at least this single guy tend(s) to have a different mindset when talking to those of the opposite gender depending at least somewhat on the relationship status of said person.
On more than one occasion at various social gatherings, I’ve found myself talking with a seemingly single, attractive and engaging young woman, finding out stuff about her, discovering our commonalities, cracking jokes, making her laugh like, a lot—only to have her say towards the end of the conversation something along the lines of, “Oh, you’re hilarious! You should meet my husband/fiance! I think you guys would get along great!”.
Okay, fair warning, here comes a BLANKET STATEMENT (of doom)!!!
Guys are generally not very good at picking up on subtle cues.
I’ll give you a moment to recover from your shock.
And we’re resuming…
Guys aren’t dumb, we just think and process things differently and perhaps on a more basic level. That’s why we look at ring fingers; because, especially in social mingling situations, we can’t always tell just by interacting with a woman if she’s with someone; unless of course she says something like, “I have a boyfriend.” 10 seconds after you start talking to her. Which is also kind of annoying, but that’s for another post that I think my buddy Michael Deppisch should write as he’s experienced this more than I have. *hint* *hint*
Now, in the interaction above, had there been some visible sign that the girl was in a committed relationship, I’ll be honest with you, the conversation probably would have been about the same, but my mindset would have been different; e.g., I would have been thinking something along the lines of, “Hey, this is a cool chick. Her husband/fiance is a lucky guy. I wonder if she has a sister?” instead of, “Hey, this is a cool chick. I wonder if she’d like to be the mother of my children someday? If not, I wonder if she has a sister?”.
Do you see the difference there?
The only real disparity between a conversation I had with a single girl that I wouldn’t have had with a married girl would possibly be a slightly exaggerated interest in some things that the single girl likes that I might not ordinarily care much about. For example, if you were single, then I might find your conflicted emotions about whom you prefer more, Edward or Jacob, fascinating and your desire to be BFFs with Bella completely understandable.
Now if you were married or affianced, then I would more than likely tell you that your poor taste in literature makes the baby Jesus cry…unless you actually do have an attractive single sister that you think I should meet…in which case I’m totally Team Edward. He sparkles you know.
This next reason for constant ring-wearing is solely for your benefit.
Have you ever been out somewhere like a bar, concert or church picnic and noticed an overpowering miasma of sweat, Old Spice Body Wash (I’m a fan of Swagger myself) and desperation? That’s what we like to refer to as single guy pheromone.
Sorry about that, but here’s a not-so-secret secret: In social situations like these, we single men are drawn to ringless fingers like a moth to a—hot, single girl moth, so when you put yourself into those places without your little gold mothball, you’re just asking for a cacophony of awkward pick-up lines from guys constantly bumping into each other in their desperate attempts to be the first to hit on you.
And then of course there’s always the possibility of someone chewing a hole in your sweater, but that dude is inordinately fond of taking a bad analogy too far and you should probably tase him.
Unfortunately, even if you do wear your ring it won’t always save you from the unwanted advances of the politicians, sports stars and orange-skinned, Ed Hardy-wearing, reality TV personalities amongst our gender; whom you should also probably tase just to be on the safe side. However, those of us who are actually somewhat decent will see that symbol of your fidelity and greatly respect your adherence to tradition, because honestly, it saves us from embarrassing ourselves and wasting our clumsy pass-making attempts on someone that’s completely unavailable.
Especially when we could be saving our best lines for the super cute Taco Bell drive-thru cashier with the exotic Persian features and amazing accent for whom we would actually eat Taco Bell just to talk to her for those 60 seconds or so it takes to order our food.
Boy, that was oddly specific …
But I digress.
Lastly, and more seriously, I know that the presence of a ring or the lack thereof is no guarantee of faithfulness either way, but why tempt fate? I’ve heard of women who “forget” to wear their ring, not necessarily to physically cheat on their significant others, but rather to prove that they’ve “still got it” and can still get hit on at the club when they go out with their girlfriends. If you’re not feeling appreciated by your husband or fiance, maybe you and he should talk to each other and/or get some counseling instead of taking a drive to Cougar Town just to “do a little ‘harmless’ window shopping”. Mmmkay?
In my opinion, it really all comes down to this:
He liked it. He put a ring on it. You should wear it. Oh oh oh. Oh oh ohoh.
Married/Engaged Women: Do you ever not wear your ring out of the house? If so, why or why not?
Single Women: Have you ever worn a fake wedding or engagement ring out on the town just to avoid being hit on? Did it work?
Guys: According to Wikipedia, so take this with a grain of salt, while wedding rings for women have been around for quite a long time, wedding rings for men are actually a relatively recent development within the last century or so. If male engagement rings ever came into vogue would you wear one? Why or why not?