reconnecting with an old friend

i’m not calling this one a Dear Sharideth because it was in amongst the ask me anything questions and i kinda thought it could use its own blog post…

For starters…love the blog.

There is a girl I used to be very tight with, this is nearly 3 years ago now. I had a crush on her, and we suddenly stopped talking, and I’m not sure why exactly. Would it be weird to try talking to her again now? I don’t want anything romantic, just a friendship…is this possible? Or am I crazy?

for starters…the blog loves you, too.

and nope.  you are not crazy.

the remedy to this situation is probably the most appropriate use of social media there is.  email her or send her a message on Facebook.  i actually did this with a guy i dated who i had had exactly zero communication with in almost 20 years.  i ran into his mom and she was clearly not well.  i wanted to know if she was okay, so i contacted him.  he was glad i did and we’re now friends on Facebook.

no weirdness, just contact.  that’s what i recommend.  i wouldn’t even send her a friend request, just a note.

what i don’t recommend is immediately dropping the “why did we stop talking” bomb on her.  keep it light.  something simple like, “i was just thinking about you and decided to look you up.  how are things?”

then leave it be.

if you get a response, great.  friendship renewed.  if you don’t, let it go.  the reason is probably along the lines of she’s dating someone or married or whatever and isn’t comfortable rekindling a friendship with a man.  don’t take it as some sort of rejection of you personally.

and definitely don’t try again.  that just gets weird.  if she wants to communicate, you’ve given the means to do it.  leave the rest up to her.

anyone had a successful reconnection with an old friend or old flame?

any not so successful?

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18 comments on “reconnecting with an old friend

  1. JBen says:

    about 6 years ago I almost had a “thing” with a girl but I kinda freaked out and nothing came of it. I didn’t communicate well with her about it. A few years later we were facebook friends and I wrote her to ask if I could call. My apology phone call turned into a 5 hour conversation and it looked like we were going to give it another shot.

    Well, it soon became clear to me that it wasn’t going to work out again but this time I told her. I felt like a jackass but it was the right thing to do.

    So I don’t know whether or not to label that as “successful.”

    • Jess says:

      I was on the girl-end of an eerily similar scenario, JBen. Only I re-touched base first with “how are things” message.

      In one sense it was good to get closure when he manned-up and told me I wasn’t the girl for him (since the first time around he just stopped talking). On the other hand, the whole thing took many months to play out, and I spent the next two years getting over the feeling that I had lost something really important.

      So yeah. “Successful” may not be the appropriate word…

  2. ithinkimwoke says:

    I regularly use this technique on an old wife I had. She is my current wife as well and sometimes we “just stop talking.” FB seems to be a great way to find out if its a real problem or not. Also a good way to be suggestive and romantic…

  3. Every old flame that I contacted resulted in awkwardness and a break-up so messy it was ten times worse than the old one. Even the lighest form of contact is a no-go area for me. And believe me, I’m not that weird.

  4. “…no weirdness. just contact…” – sage advice mylady!

  5. Becki says:

    I’m “friends” (using that term loosely) with most of my exes, largely because 2 of them married close girlfriends of mine… My high school boyfriend married someone we both went to school with, and all 3 of us live in the same area, so we bump into one another occaisionally. I’ve become FB friends with them and most of the time it works fine. But every once in awhile there is weirdness, like last night when he fb messaged me to tell me “happy birthday, and btw we’re pregnant with our 2nd, but don’t tell anyone yet b/c we haven’t even had the ultrasound yet.” I’m sure he was just excited, but I’m not sure that a FB message on my birthday was the way I needed to gain that information. But despite the weirdness, I am glad to be friends w/ my exes online.

  6. Some girl I asked out but shot me down sometimes (not frequently) sends me text messages. About sports. Football, specifically.

    Please explain to me why this happens.

    • she would never admit this to you, herself or anyone else, but even though she’s not interested in dating you, she wants to stay on your radar.

      it’s an ego stroke for her. it’s stupid.

  7. Elizabeth says:

    The “no weirdness, just contact” is key. Like maybe ask how the person has been since fourth grade before asking her to your aunt’s wedding…

  8. Jenn says:

    I think the key piece of advice you gave Sharideth was just a note, not a friendship request. That being said – I think you need to be prepared to deal with an awkward situation as she will likely interpret your reappearance as intentional because of the nature of your past relationship.

    If you’re okay with it being awkward then go for it, if not well move on.

  9. Brian says:

    I met up in August with a friend I hadn’t talk to for 13 years. I had a thing for her back in the day. Our fist night of reconnecting was very successful. *wink* *wink* We talk every day now.

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