dear sharideth: letter #13

Dear Sharideth,

The problem.
Female friend: divorced and ready to move on.
Male acquaintance of hers: Was married, wife died roughly a year ago.

In the past these two were great friends, close enough to lean on each other when support was needed. This, unfortunately, turned into a bit of a fling. My friend deliberately cut this short by changing careers in a way that took her out of his sphere and put some distance between them. They have kept in basic touch since then but the career change had the desired effect of stopping the affair. However the closeness of the friendship was also dented by the distance. (And the affair, let’s be honest about this!)

Now they are both free and have met up again. My friend is keen to pick up where they left off and turn what they had into a proper, lasting relationship. She thinks he is keen too.

My worry is that if they rush into the physical side of things again (which would be really easy to do) it will just turn into another fling and then she will lose him for good. I was trying to figure out how they might get started again? In my humble opinion they need to start from scratch, get to know each other all over again before taking too many steps forward. But am I just gazing through the rosy tints and hoping for the best for them both? Is this doomed from the start and a pointless exercise in heartbreak or do you think it would be worth them trying again? What do I tell her? I’m stumped!

Hope you can help. Thanks!


dear sage,

normally i would be highly skeptical of a couple getting together who had had an affair.  the foundation for a real relationship is generally built on a big ol’ sink hole.

however, in this case, highly skeptical is reduced to moderately cautious.

yes, there was baddness, but they fixed it and moved on.  there’s something to be said for that.  but (Kardashian sized) they are going to have to spend some time getting to know what the other is really about.  the feelings caused by an affair, are not real.  yeah, read that again.  i said exactly what it sounded like.

those feelings aren’t real.  they are amplified to extremes due to the sneaking around/danger/naughtiness of being with someone you shouldn’t.  it’s almost intoxicating.  why do you think so many people do it?  put it those terms to your friends, they’ll know exactly what you mean, though they might not want to admit it.

do they need to start totally from scratch?  probably not if they’ve been friends for as long as you say.  but you are right about discouraging them from being in a physical relationship right off the bat.  it will only muddy the waters.

i would tell them if they really think they have a shot together, they need to give it the best chance at success by spending more time talking and less time touching.  if they can’t do that, it’s pretty much doomed.

oh so sincerely,


hit me with some other thoughts.  go team!


3 comments on “dear sharideth: letter #13

  1. H.E. ELLIS says:

    I am farrrr too damaged an individual to contribute anything productive. I prefer to sit back and follow your good advice to others.

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