being direct with a woman

yesterday’s post prompted some questions in the comments and i’m going to stab them today.  i don’t take a “stab at” things.  i cut an artery.  grrrr.

here’s the questions:

…do women appreciate direct communication?

no.  yes.  depends.  are we clear?  no?  fine.  in my always never humble opinion, if women are not okay with directness, they need to get that way. 

i’m originally from the northwest.  Portland, OR or there abouts.  up there, we’re honest.  if my friend asks me if i like her new hairdo, i’m free to tell her i’m not excited about it.  it’s what she expects.  she’d be way more offended if i lied to her.  in the south, where i am now, people are, to quote myself* from yesterday, pathologically polite.  women wouldn’t dream of being direct if it means potentially hurting someone’s feelings.

you need to know your audience when it comes to women.  it is not unreasonable to ask/help her to toughen up.  it will only serve her well in other areas of her life.  but this can be done with a relatively gentle hand.  she is not a guy friend, don’t use blunt force.  just stand your ground.  you can be firm and direct while still being kind.

when it comes to getting her out on a date.  direct is good.  very good.  when you approach a woman directly and ask her out, it sends a message that you know your own self-worth.


Is it bad manners to ask them to clarify an obvious hint?

this one is easy.  absolutely not.  asking for clarification is perfectly acceptable.  being a bit self-deprecating can go a long way.  claim “obtuse man gene” and ask her to have pity.


Does it make it better or worse to attempt to break the silent treatment with frank questions?

the silent treatment is passive aggressive and has no place in a relationship.  if you are with a girl who does this, she’s trying to manipulate you by withholding communication.  so feel free to not tolerate it.  tell her you’d rather have her hurt your feelings by being completely unreasonable than to have her say nothing when you know she’s upset.  anything is better than the silent treatment.  if she still won’t talk, let her know it’s not over and you will be ready to behave like a grown up when she is.

so frankness good, timidity bad.

okay minionettes, help the guys out.  tell them what’s what

what is some other advice about directness?

*quoting myself is awesome.  i am so good at this writing thing.




9 comments on “being direct with a woman

  1. Riggs says:

    i’m thinking if it’s a request, then throwing in a “please” would be good. ex.: “could you please take out the trash?” nothing wrong with that. i would do it immediately. most of the time, it’s a focus issue. i’m not the best at multitasking. i feel women are, correct?

  2. JBen says:

    Did I know you were from Portland? That must be why I like your blog so much.

    I know I’m not a minionette, but my experience is that directness with kindness and reassurance goes a long way. Also, if you ask her to be direct, you sure as hell better listen to what she says and not get defensive.

  3. ThatGuyKC says:

    This is BRILLIANT!! Thank you!
    My wife RARELY employs the silent treatment and I’m skilled at figuring her out, but I know more than a few men who’ll get value from this.

  4. Being direct when asking out a girl is probably the sexiest thing a guy can do ever. Nothing like an assertive man who says what he wants (especially when its ME 🙂 ). But, when it comes to other things , its best to pair the direct statement with politeness and/or compliments and flattery. Us women are a sensitive species

  5. MichelleK41 says:

    Hmmmm southern country gal here and I do not have a problem with being direct. Must depend on what part of the south, LOL. I have a friend who is dating and she would prefer a man to be direct, too much of the BS of making a woman think you want more and then you decide privately in your own little head you’d rather go for the piece and want no more than that. I say more single women should do FWB and give back what’s given to them. With that said I know there’s good men out there (I have had one for 26 years), but my single friend is yet to find one and she’s a real sweetheart!

  6. H.E. ELLIS says:

    The silent treatment is never the answer, but then again neither are verbal mind games. This is a tough one.

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