dear sharideth: letter #11

this email i got was pretty long, so with the permission of the writer, i’m going to give you Cliff note version.  has anyone ever figured out who Cliff is or why he’s qualified to write notes?  no?  whatever.  here we go.

Dear Sharideth,

I met a guy on Twitter through a mutual friend.  We started getting to know each other, did some business together and a bit of flirting ensued.  I ended up back pedaling on the flirting because he has some emotional maturity issues.  He’ll post how upset or mad he is on Twitter then pull the “nothing” or “I don’t want to talk about it” nonsense when asked about what’s wrong.

“Then don’t post it on the internet, you poser.”  From here on out I shall call him Online Emo Guy.

Time goes by and I land myself a boyfriend while Online Emo Guy is taking some time off from being online.  When he reappears, I let him know immediately I have a boyfriend.  He seems cool with it but then continues to broadcast how funny/beautiful/smart he thinks I am; to the point that it makes not only me, but my boyfriend uncomfortable.

So here’s my question: What’s the best way to handle this? My boyfriend says I should just cut him off, unfollow him, ignore him and so on without any explanation. I think that this would be mean and that the next time he says something inappropriate, I should email him and tell him that I’m doing all those things, and explain why. I’m taking this route because Online Emo Guy has complained in the past about friends disappearing or whatever, and if everyone just stops being friends with him without an explanation, how will he ever learn that his emo tendencies drive people away?

Am I being too nice to this guy and should I just drop him like it’s hot, without an explanation? Or should I take the more sensitive route and tell him why I’m doing what I’m doing? I really love my boyfriend and he is my first priority, but I don’t want to be mean and I want to do the right thing in this situation.

Sincerely,

Fed Up With Emo Admirers

dear FUWEA,

i think you need to give this guy the reason why you’re cutting him off.  tough love with a heavy dose of kindness.  play the boyfriend card, but don’t throw your boyfriend under the BlueBird.  speak in terms of appropriateness instead of “my boyfriend told me to quit you”.

if he doesn’t get the hint, you’re going to be have be more direct.  straight up tell him not to contact you and that you will not be contacting him.

guys sometimes need and even prefer for you to just go ahead and punch them in their metaphorical throat don’t leave any room for “so you’re saying there’s a chance”.

i believe your inclination to try to end it kindly, while possibly giving him some constructive criticism, is correct.

let me know how it goes.

oh so sincerely,

sharideth

what do you think?  cut him off with no interaction or let him know why?

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10 comments on “dear sharideth: letter #11

  1. Jenn says:

    Once again Sharideth you are right – I think that firm and direct is the best option with no throwing the boyfriend under the bus, because it seems that boyfriend or no-boyfriend your patience for his behavior was waning. That is the key part to this situation – you and this emo boy do not have a romantic connection and that is the end of it.

  2. JBen says:

    I totally agree. Kind and direct and shut that door. And you should probably avoid the phrase “I want us to be able to be friends.” That leaves a door open.

    Sharideth, if wisdom made you grow facial hair, your beard would be down to the ground.

  3. dominic says:

    This isn’t about the boyfriend, or about his suggestions, or anything.

    It’s about proper boundaries (on your part) and respect (on his part).

    Matthew 18 speaks to this, start at verse 15.

    Specifically, someone (emo guy) is exhibiting behavior toward you that is inappropriate. The only one who has a right to tell him, is you – and you need to woman up enough to actually confront him. Apart from the fact that this is what we’re called to do, it gives him a chance to learn from it and (hopefully) grow.

  4. Riggs says:

    i agree with sharideth. he’ll appreciate your honesty and back off.

  5. Once again, Sharideth is right. (Ain’t she awesome that way?)

    Firm, honest and direct. Leave no hope for “maybe’s”. If this is a recurring theme for him then you’d be doing him a favour by telling him the reason he’s been losing friends all over the place. Hopefully then he can take a look in the mirror and move on a better person.

    Or at the very least one who doesn’t creep out other folks so often.

  6. heather joy says:

    cut him off, but explain why. but be kind — everyone has a story, and chances are she doesn’t know EVERYthing that Emo Guy is going through (or has gone through) regardless of his “nothing” and “I don’t want to talk about it” tendencies.

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