The Hypothetical Husband: a guest post by RandomlyChad

Chad Jones is one of my BlogRocket buddies who i’ve known mostly as randomlychad (no relation to hangingchad) through Twitter and Words With Friends; where i beat him like Evander Holyfield on a bender.  i’ve got a guest post over at his place, too.  it’s a little different than my normal nonsense.  you should probably read it…after you enjoy what Chad has for you.

“The Hypothetical Husband”

Fair warning ladies, this post is titled “The Hypothetical Husband” for a good reason; namely, this man may, or may not, actually exist.  (And never mind the “Ideal Husband”–that man for sure exists nowhere other than in the mind. In other words, “love the one you’re with”).  😉

This theoretical man, this “hypothetical husband,” you know what he wants from you more than anything else? To be appreciated, to know that you know that he works hard. “Oh, sure,” you say, “but he doesn’t notice my hard work and sacrifice.”

Oh, but he does–have you asked him?  He’s a guy–sometimes you’ve gotta draw him out. Besides which, since I’m going all Outer
Limits today–taking over the vertical, and the horizontal–I’m telling you this isn’t about your feelings right now, but your man’s.  I’m declaring a moratorium on the expressing of your feelings (at least until the end of this post), because although he may not always show them*, your man has them*, too (so I want you to listen).

*Feelings, I mean.

Let me give you an example:

Let’s say, at your request, your man–our “hypothetical husband”–moves some furniture around in your home. Let’s say that, despite his best efforts, there are perhaps some nicks, gouges, scrapes, what have you, on the wall(s).

Pop quiz: what’s the first thing you say? (If you answer “tell him about the damage(s),” you’re wrong).

Here’s a little not-so-secret: most men are still little boys inside, and just want to be recognized when they work hard–especially when they do so at your behest.

So here’s how you approach our hypothetical situation:

First: thank him for his hard work. This shows appreciation, and respect. And then, second, voice your concerns. (“I really appreciate what you did, but I don’t know if you noticed xyz… But thank-you so much for…”).

Notice the format there: start on a positive–by appreciating–introduce a negative–your concerns–and end by
reaffirming the positive.

Maybe I’m violating a code by sharing this–if so, sorry guys–but we men are just as sensitive (perhaps more so) to inflection, intonation, etc. as you ladies. How something is said is just as important as what is said. Trust me on this.

If you follow the format outlined above, I can almost guarantee that your input will be more valued–thus you will feel more valued–and you will get the love you feel you deserve. In other words, win-win.

But then again, we’re talking about a “hypothetical husband” here, right? You’ve never castigated him on a job (mostly) well-done, right?

You have? Shame on you! Maybe you need to go back and re-read this post? 😉

Note: please don’t flame me–send all the negative emails to Sharideth, and only your kudos to me. My ego is sensitive that way.

ladies?  what do you think?

guys?  did Chad just sell you out or is he right?

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15 comments on “The Hypothetical Husband: a guest post by RandomlyChad

  1. Chad’s totally write.

    How something is said is even more important than what is said.

    I’m a total emo kid that way.

  2. jessi says:

    Before I met my now boyfriend soon to be fiance… I never ever in my life would have agreed with u for a nano second. But ur words ring true. This hypothectical (sp) husband does exisit. I have him next to me everyday. I even get hate from the jealous girls bc he is that awesome.
    I’ve learned a few things from him. Men have feelings. And they get hurt too. A lil bit of mutual respect goes miles.

    • Chad Jones says:

      Aw, thanks so much! Sometimes it’s hard to admit–because the culture wants us to “man up”–but it’s true: we have feelings.

      Contrast on your upcoming engagement!

  3. Jenn says:

    I think it’s fair. For myself I find I struggle with the situations where I have given, what I feel are detailed instructions, on something and I don’t get that and am disappointed.

    Case in point with my ex-fiance. I like flowers – but I am particular about flowers. So when he ordered flowers other than the range and color I had instructed I wouldn’t like for my birthday. As well as not from a local florist who’s number he’d been given which would be cheaper than ordering them in his state and having them shipped to Canada, it took at lot to smile and be nice. I did feel like saying you’ve been with me to pick out flowers for our wedding – where you there in just body and not mind?

    So the other side to this – If you been an awesome husband, boyfriend or whomever, don’t milk for the affirmation. In the above incident when I didn’t gush at the flowers I got a long rant about how much they cost him. My ability to affirm the gesture went completely out the window.

    Bottom line gestures like rearranging furniture can be great, just consider them for a moment and don’t go seeking the affirmation.

    • Chad Jones says:

      Jenn,

      No disrespect intended, but perhaps–just perhaps–(understanding that I don’t know all the relational dynamics) there was just a wee bit too much particularity on your part. Maybe he wasn’t fishing for affirmation, but instead felt a little attacked when you didn’t appreciate his effort. I would venture to guess that this isn’t the first time he let you down in this fashion, right?

      To be fair, I think there’s a whole of tempering of expectations that needs to go on on both sides if the gender aisle.

    • Chris says:

      Actually, men can often “be there in body, not in mind.” Especially in boring situations like flowers. Be thankful he’s there in body, at least! 🙂

      I remember buying flowers for a girl “just because.” The guy ahead of me in line asked, basically, “So… what mistake are you making up for?” It’s like guys think you only buy flowers as a band-aid.

  4. Riggs says:

    words of affirmation speaks my language. thanks for letting the ladies know!

  5. JBen says:

    If every time I did something helpful all I heard was criticism for all the ways it was done wrong, I would totally stop trying. I would just give up.

  6. Jamie says:

    I’m southern where girls are taught from a young age to wrap everything in “pretty.” Including your words.

    Which may be why you can’t always trust us.

  7. Regan says:

    I always get better results from my boyfriend (and pretty much everyone else on the planet as well) when I am kind and affirmative. Griping, complaining, and nagging are just not conducive to healthy relationships. So I agree, Chad.

    I also recommend the book “The Care and Feeding of Husbands” by Dr. Laura, if you ladies would like to do more research in this area. 🙂

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